Friday, January 2, 2015

The truth is out there…

Today I was unexpectedly called to another court to testify in a civil matter.  There, a large tub of Xmas cookies sat.  They were probably stale as all hell.

And, despite this, I wanted one - no I wanted TEN - of those fuckers anyway.  I didn't have one and instead did some self-talk that I've learned along the way.

I told myself that they were just cookies. There will always be cookies.  I can even MAKE cookies - anytime I want to.  But not today.  Cookies are not for today.  Maybe tomorrow but not today.

And, believe it or not, it helped.

I was then called in to testify.  And when I was cross-examined the attorney asked - in a clearly accusatory/judgmental tone - how long a person who once was addicted is at risk of relapse.

Without hesitating I responded "The rest of his or her life."

And that's when it truly hit home.  Something I know intellectually, but I suppose I was in denial about emotionally.

I will never - NEVER - be NOT at risk of relapse.  I will never look at a cookie like a normal person.  I will never be able to trust myself to just eat a meal intuitively.  I will always want to eat more then I should.

And you know what?  That's not a tragedy.  It is what it is.  My brain is fat and always will be.

And despite this, I can still eat treats - at times.  I will still have occasions of consciously overeating.

But in 2014 I played around with attempting to eat like someone who is normal - someone who has never been morbidly obese.

The results?  A significant weight gain.

So, like the denial that ended for me in 2010, it’s time to stop that denial.  For the start of 2015 it's - as reader Laurie suggested - time to get back to basics.

And take it one day at a time…


  1. I don't comment much, though I should because I share the same struggles. I lost 155lbs, 2011-2013, the old fashion just way like you. I spent last year trying to be "normal" as well. I gained 20lbs, some cloths don't fit and I'm moody and pissed at myself. I've been to counseling for my relationship with food, yet I still tried to act like a skinny person. Ha, what a lie to myself. So, here I am, restarting right along with you. The same girl that use to weigh 287, facing the same challenge. Feels shitty, whether its 155 lbs or just 20. You are not alone.

    1. Thank you thank you thank you!! For letting me know I'm not the only one who has experienced this. So you and me - let's get this!


  2. You are definitely not alone!! I've lost about 78 lbs since 9/12, and I've been working to find my maintenance point for the past 4 to 5 months. I realized that I must stay vigilant and continue exactly what I did to lose weight...I can just enjoy a few more calories than before. I will never be thin in my head. I will always want that cookie or sweet treat, even if I'm not hungry or it doesn't really taste that good. I will have to remain mindful and controlled, much like any other addict. We CAN DO THIS!!! It's just a matter of will.