Denial...

What's the difference between denial and lying?  Easy - in denial you have actually fooled yourself into believing something.  Whereas lying is just that - you know it's bullshit and you say it anyway.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit with the whole Lance Armstrong thing and his interview coming out with Oprah.  I was never a fan or a "hater" of Lance Armstong.  I didn't follow his career very closely.  But when the report came out from USADA about the scope and depth of his involvement in doping, I read the entire report.  And I was absolutely shocked.  I mean it is SO OBVIOUS how much doping went on from Lance and his teammates with Lance being the main offender!

Since then I've seen some tapes of him denying that he doped.  I don't know him well enough to know whether he was outright lying or whether he was so in denial that he convinced himself that he wasn't doing anything wrong.  But I'll tell you, it looks like denial to me.

How is this possible?  Well, I look back on my own denial.  I mean I weighed 344 pounds.  I would watch football games and would hear the announcers talk about some linebackers that were "huge tanks" that weighed LESS THEN ME and stood 6 feet tall.  I couldn't fit in airplane seats and couldn't put the tray tables down.  I went to restaurants and scoured for tables because I usually couldn't fit in booths.  I mostly shopped for clothes online because most stores didn't carry my size.  I had severe sleep apnea and had to wear a mask every night so I wouldn't stop breathing.  I was tired and uncomfortable.  I barely fit behind the steering wheel of my car.  

And yet I was convinced that I wasn't that bad.  I told myself that I wasn't unhealthy - I still got around, worked full time, took my dogs for walks, my blood pressure was normal and, you know, being fat isn't the ONLY reason that people have sleep apnea - some thin people have it too.  I told myself that it wasn't my fault - I didn't really eat all that much more then a normal person.  I believed that some day the medical community would develop a medication that would allow people like me - with a "painfully slow metabolism" that was, of course, no fault of my own, to lose the weight.   

Talk about denial!

So my weight has spiked up this week - about 4 pounds high.  And I've been making excuses - I'm retaining water from eating salty meals, I'm building muscle, this is a temporary bump, I'm eating well.  Today I got to thinking - is this how it happens? Is this how people that have lost tremendous amounts of weight gain it all back?   By letting denial creep in ever so slowly?  Marc says that 4 pounds is no big deal.  But when does it become a big deal?  6 pounds?  10?  20?  Hell to the NO.

So the denial stops right now.  Clearly I am eating too much for what exercise I am doing.  I have eaten healthy so far today and wanted a snack this afternoon but instead made peppermint tea which I am drinking as I type this.  No more denial, it's time to get back to basics.  

How about you?  Any denial going on?  Let's fix this - together!