Monday, December 22, 2014

Perspective or Rationalization?

I have a 2 day work week this week.  So I headed in this morning pretty excited to kill 2 days and then it’s time for Xmas!!

Today was – by Northern NY standards – a gorgeous December day.  It was 38 degrees, no wind and about mid-morning the sun started to peek out.  So it wasn’t a mental struggle to get my ass out there for a lunch time run.

I felt pretty great – I am faithfully doing 20 minutes of electrical stimulation on both the Achilles as well as newly developed Planter Fasciitis (sigh…) every night, and there was little pain.  I warmed up almost immediately and felt strong and relaxed as I did my regular route around the city.

When I got back to work I started thinking about my weight gain.  And the one side of me made this pitch:

Listen, you are a 42 year old formerly morbidly obese woman who just ran 6.25 miles in 51 minutes.  You are wearing a size small dress.  And, more importantly you are a good person.  Gaining or losing weight doesn’t change that!  So, give yourself a break – have some cookies without guilt.  You’ll get back on track!”

Then there was the other voice who sternly said:

Ok, so you were able to run, big whoop.  Your time was slow compared to the past because you’ve gained so much weight!  Go ahead and eat that cookie and tell yourself you’re fine.  But you’re just going to keep gaining weight.  You’ll get fat again like so many other people who lose weight.  And you’re a good person?  You want to be a big FAT good person?”

No one warned me what a mental game this continues to be.  I feel a little alone here, guys – am I the only one struggling with my weight this holiday season?  Am I the only crazy person who wages war in my head?

Are maybe both voices right?



  1. The first one was right. You've lost a lot of weight, kept the majority of it off for years and you are still at a healthy size. Over 6 miles is also enough exercise for you to be fit and healthy. You are being too hard on yourself. I've been reading your blog for a year now and I'm very inspired by your weightloss journey and think you have done amazing to come so far. :)

  2. No Jen, you're not alone!! I log all of my foods (have been for over 2 years) and I've been at maintenance for several months now. I've lost about 78 lbs in the last 2 years. Although I've been able to keep my weight steady so far through the holidays, my motivation to exercise has taken a nose dive the past couple of weeks!! I haven't felt great, so I've used that and every other excuse not to get my butt moving. Then, just like you, the worms start in my head telling me I'll gain it all back and, in spite of the scale holding steady and my clothes fitting fine, I really do feel fat already. It's such a mind game!! I don't know if that ever goes away, but please know that you're definitely not alone and I think most of us have those feelings. Heck, even models and movie stars who we think have the "perfect" body have the same issues and insecurities at times.