Metaphor time…

Let’s play pretend for a minute, can we?  Let’s suppose one day you walk outside and there sits a $10 bill.  You look around and don’t see where it might have came from.

So you consider yourself lucky and pocket it.  The next day you go out and there sits another $10. 

And then for the next few years every time you go outside, there’s money waiting for you.  The amount varies.  Sometimes it’s $100 sometimes it’s a measly $1.  You never know where it comes from.  But after a while you get used to it being there.  You begin to count on it.

And then one day, suddenly, there’s no money.  You don’t freak out – you’ve saved up.  One day of no money won’t hurt.  But then over the next few days there’s still no money to be found.  And panic starts to set in.  You’ve learned to count on this money.  You’ve planned your lifestyle around this money.

And it’s scary.  Because you don’t know where it came from in the first place – so what if it’s gone for good?

Ok, I think you guys might see where I’m going with this – I’m afraid that this is what has happened to my motivation.

You see, I don’t know why I made this life change.  And I don’t know why after 38 years, I started to take care of myself.

And I don’t know how I found the dedication and commitment to do things like run half marathons and work out twice a day every day.  To refuse to eat bad foods and focus on clean eating.

Like the money, I’m afraid the stream has dried up.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m doing pretty well.  I’m looking forward to Xmas.  My mood is great – especially considering that this is the shortest day of the year and I’m normally moping like crazy.  I’m kicking ass in organization – all my gifts are bought, wrapped and organized.

Today Marc and I bought everything we need for the party here and for what I’m going to make to take to his sister’s on Xmas Day.

I am prepared to clean tomorrow, but there’s not a lot I need to do.

But motivation to eat right and exercise?  That has just. fucking. vanished.

I want to eat recklessly.  I don’t want to lift weights or run.  I want to take it easy.  I want to hunt down every piece of chocolate on earth and cram it down my throat.

What if I can’t get it together guys?  What if January 1 hits and I still can’t get back to Thin Jen?  What happens then?