Friday, October 24, 2014

Washing the grey away…

I'm in a very weird place right now. 

I almost always wear a skirt or dress to work, but last night I pulled out one of my favorite pairs of pants that I haven't worn since spring.  They are pretty skin tight, so I stared at them this morning wondering if they would even zip up with my weight gain.

Fortunately, they did, proving once again – I guess - that numbers on a scale aren't the whole story.

I went to physical therapy and after the treatment she actually put me through a pretty vigorous routine, including box jumps, grapevines and balancing squats on a Bosu ball.

Even though it was a gorgeous day for fall - sunny and high 50's - I just could not bring myself to go out and run.  I have lost all motivation.

I walked in the sun instead and the many voices inside me staged a vicious debate to whether I am a lazy fat cow or whether it is okay to just take a break.  I can't say who won.

I do know that I'm feeling a little like a spectator of my life and that I seem to have lost sight of the prize so to speak.

Towards the end of my walk I quieted the ruckus in my head and asked what my goal or goals are.  The resounding silence actually surprised me.

Maybe that means I'm lost or maybe I need to just be okay where I am for a while.  Is being a decent - although not ideal - weight okay?  Can I just be relatively active and fit and not SUPER RUNNER GIRL?

I am such an all or nothing person that I really struggle with that mentally.  I believe in pushing your limits and being the best you can be.  But I also am getting to the point of wanting just to be happy and healthy.  It seems like common sense, right? 


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