Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Chasing Happiness…

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who is generally unhappy with her life right now.  She is desperate for something to change, but she has felt this way for months and she still feels this way.

In AA they use the phrase "If nothing changes, nothing changes". In that spirit I asked her how much longer she plans on being unhappy.  She told me that was a question she couldn't answer.

I think that she is waiting for miracle - a magic fairy to come make everything better.

Boy do I know that wishful thinking.  I spent year after year being miserable and fat, WISHING something would change, but not doing a fucking thing about it except getting fatter and fatter.

I feel a little stuck like that right now.  I want to be happy.  But, if I'm being honest, I don't want to work right now for the happiness I seek - being thin.  I want the magic fairy to sprinkle thin dust on me while I sit on my ass and eat whatever I want.

Yesterday I went into a meeting and there were cupcakes.  FUCK ME!

As I tried desperately to avoid eye contact with those liberally frosted bastards, my friend Sue tried to pass them down - "Jen wants one" she said.

"No, Jen wants THREE!"  I said " But her fat ass isn't getting ANY". And people laughed.

Later in the day I was happy that I hadn't eaten one, but in that moment I would have been really happy to chow down!

So I'm trying to find that balance, still.  Living a full life, being a normal weight, short term gratification versus long term happy.  It ain't easy, folks - at least not for me 2.5 years into maintenance...


1 comment:

  1. Oh.My.Gosh!! I did nearly the same exact thing last night! I was on-point with my eating all day and I had hit my calorie limit without going over. I even pushed it in my cardio toning class! Around 8:30 last night I was putting something in the fridge and I saw a small plate with 3 homemade cupcakes on it that our neighbors had brought over. I nearly started drooling!! In my mind I started reasoning out why I should go ahead and eat one of them (or all!!)...I worked hard today! I had a stressful day!! I walked a lot more than usual!! I really pushed myself at the gym!! Dang it, I deserve to enjoy that thing!! I slowly shut the fridge door, grabbed a glass of water, and walked away. I don't know how, but I did, and I was proud of the self-control it took to shut down those thoughts. I know that eating one of those cupcakes won't kill me or totally derail my progress, but I also know that self-control can be a slippery slope for me. I don't want to start giving in to every mindless impulse! You did the right thing Jen!!! Stay strong!