Saturday, June 14, 2014

I'm waving a flag...

I feel tonight as if I'm waving a flag.  I guess the question is, which one?
Is it this one?  The flag of surrender?

Or is it this one?  The flag of victory?

Can it be both?

You see, I woke up this morning to the scale number of 121.5.  I went to a cookout yesterday and ate not only too much, but I ate some stuff that is normally OFF LIMITS - namely some potato chips.  Potato chips are on the NO-NO list.  I literally can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten potato chips since I started this journey over 4 years ago.  

And yet there I was - cramming my face with potato chips - admittedly along with some healthier choices like fruit.  But, yeah, potato chips, not the best choice.

And then, after weighing in around 4 pounds higher then I "should" this morning, Mother Nature decided that she should give us the ole one finger salute and handed us some miserably fucking cold weather - thus obliterating most of my plans for the day.  
So Starbucks was kind enough to give me a free drink for my birthday.  Which I chose to use today not on a harmless no-calorie coffee, but on one of their decadent frappuccinos.   With roughly a million calories.

And guess what?  I don't feel guilty.  I don't care - at least right now - what the scale will probably say regarding this tomorrow.

Since April I've been maintaining mostly steady.  But maintaining about 5 pounds higher then where I want to be.  But is that lower number really where I want to be?  Apparently the answer is no, because I haven't done anything to change it.
So is this defeat?  Or is it growth in accepting myself?  I've gone back and forth on this today and I can't tell you.  I feel guilty and ashamed and totally liberated at the same time.  I worry that this could be a slippery slope towards accepting becoming fat again.
 And at the same time I'm proud of accepting that I'm not perfect.  I'm not and will never be a thin fitness model.  And I think that's maybe okay...


  1. so you're about 5lbs 'heavier' than your 'ideal' weight. ....ideal: noun
    1.a conception of something in its perfection. 2. a standard of perfection or excellence.

    are 'ideals' realistic? practical? comfortable and/or tolerable? are you really allowing 5lbs 'heavier' than you'd like to be make you feel guilty or badly about yourself? dude the way you pound miles out? you're kickass even if you weigh 125lbs.

    what if the 120 - 125lb range with an ultra low bodyfat range is where your body's comfortable and the best version of itself?

    nobody's going to hold against you except maybe yourself. sometimes you sound tortured in your posts and usually by a meager couple (nominal) pounds of extra fluid that show up on the scale.

    as a fellow maintainer (4 years) i understand the battle you're fighting well. if we give ourselves an inch, will we end up taking a mile? how can we trust ourselves after we've seen that we can let ourselves get to extraordinarily high weights? this past year has been easier as far as maintaining goes, because i am learning not berate myself for the 'bad' choices i sometimes make. instead, i know and trust that 80% of the time i make good choices and 20%, could be better, but hey, i want to be able to have some fun once in a while as life's too short for always being strict. ....i should also note that i'm also maintaining 5lbs heavier than my 'ideal' weight, but i'd rather be where i'm at then constantly at odds with the scale or myself. i think this is a common theme for many maintainers too.

    i think you're learning to accept yourself. it's not defeat. you're learning to find a balance where you too can have some FUN once in a while!! continue to be tough with yourself, but also learn to be kind :)

  2. You are definitely reading my mind! I get how ridiculous it is to torture myself over a few measly pounds. And is does appear my body is most comfortable where it is. I'm trying hard to accept this and I think I'm making progress!