Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I'm okay...

I had a - well not a revelation - yesterday, but a change of thought.  Did you know I'm kinda hard on myself?

I got home, and Marc wasn't there.  So I got the heat on in the workout room, came upstairs and got everything prepared for dinner and used the computer while the room was heating up.  And I reflected that my weight was up to 121 yesterday morning despite being on point with my eating and exercising really well.  For a little bit I was feeling frustrated and angry with myself.

And then I headed downstairs and got on the treadmill.  About a mile in I was feeling really good and cranked up the speed by a little bit.  And then I had this thought pop into my head.

"Jen, you're doing pretty okay."

I have a house, a wonderful husband, a great job, and I was running on the treadmill at 6.9 MPH and was feeling strong and fit.  

SO WHAT that the scale said 121 that morning?  That black and white number is not a reflection of my true fitness and it is certainly not a reflection of myself as a human being.  I know this intellectually, but emotionally?  I almost never feel it.  I feel it for OTHERS but not for myself.

So my life isn't perfect.  I'll never be really attractive.  I'm not going to have a fantastic body.  I have stretch marks and saggy skin.  I'm not going to be rich.  I'm going to have really bad days and there are always going to be people that hate me.     

But you know what?  I'm pretty okay.  Some of my "okayness" comes from luck and some of it from really hard work.  

And I realized that even if I put on 10 pounds, I would still be okay.  I'd be an 41 year old woman who weighs 130 pounds.  That's not a tragedy, right?

And suddenly the room seemed - lighter.  I felt free.  I'm not sure how long or how well I'll hold onto this feeling, but I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.

Even though I haven't been doing any different, my scale decided to reward me for my thoughts by weighing me in at 118.7 this morning.  Guess what?  That didn't suddenly make my life fuller, richer and better.

I admire those of you out there who love yourself no matter what!  Pass good mental thoughts so I can hang onto this, because it feels pretty fucking good!


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