Not meeting a milestone.

Yesterday I thought I would push myself and try to run 18 miles.  17 is the furthest I have run.  It was cold out - 30 degrees - and pretty windy.  But when I left the house I felt really good and the sun was shining brightly.  I had on gloves and a running jacket. 

I turned into the wind at mile 6 and by mile 8 my hands were really cold.  The blood was all moved to my core - which was perfectly warm - but the feet and hands, not so much.  At 12 miles the winds had really increased and my hands were just freezing.  I passed my house at mile 17.3 and just surrendered :((

After a hot shower and some food I was really mad at myself.  I mean, what was .70 more miles?  Geez, I could have done that!  I had having a goal and not meeting it!!  Still it was my furthest distance.  And it's funny how things are relative, isn't it?  We bought our treadmill in November 2010.  Exactly 3 years ago.  Because you can program the tready with your vitals, I can also remember how much I weighed - 289 pounds.  I remember trying to run for 2 minutes straight - at a 15 minute mile - and thinking I was going to DIE.

And yet here I am - 3 years later - pissed at myself for "only" running 17.30 miles at a pace of 8:35 per minute mile.  

I think that this perfectionism, or demandingness, or crazy-itis is both a blessing and a curse. This drive is probably what led me - when I'd finally had enough - to lose weight and get fit.  BUT the pressure - as you all have seen - can be almost unbearable at times.  

18 miles will come, right?  And today I will be thankful that - despite years of abusing my body - I have done no extreme permanent damage and I am still able to engage in physically demanding activities!