Tuesday, November 12, 2013

A bit out of sorts...

I continue to have a problem getting my mojo back.  I really am clueless about what is going on with me.  I am still searching for a purpose, I guess.

This long weekend was a weird one.  First off, Veteran's Day and writing about my father was surprisingly emotional for me.  He looked SO YOUNG in the photo I posted of him.  The anniversary of his death comes right after Thanksgiving.

In fact, we are about to enter a "bad juju" time of year for me.  In a cluster comes the anniversary of my father's death, the death of one of my ferrets, the date that I had to have my Rottweiller, Riker, put to sleep and a the anniversary date of when I was 16 and got into a head-on collision.  I am a bit superstitious, so I kind of feed into this more than your average bear.  

As far as other things go, I feel that I was pretty productive this weekend.  We combined fun things - like going to a craft show - with some chores I wanted to get done.  I gave the dogs a much needed bath.  I also have a LOT of Xmas shopping already done and I wrapped all the gifts!

BUT - I wasn't even going to post this.  It is a source of shame for me and I almost didn't want to tell you guys because it's almost like I feel I'll be letting you all down.  Ok, so what's the big secret?  I only ran 10 miles on my long run on Sunday.  I know - some of you are thinking "Are you fucking kidding me?!"  

I felt totally and completely wiped out by the first mile.  The wind was just terrible and my legs felt like lead.  At mile 8.5 I texted Marc and said that he might have to come get me, but I was going to try to get home.  I got to mile 10 - only 3 miles from home - and I just could not do it.  I was SO HUMILIATED to have to call Marc and ask him to come get me.  I felt like a total failure.  He was nothing but supportive.  

I felt so horribly guilty that I wanted to come home and at least hit the elliptical, but Marc was telling me I had to listen to my body and if it was that tired that I needed to rest.  We compromised and did P90X2 Yoga - and I did have a big "WOO HOO!!" moment when I got into and held "Crane" pose - a pose that takes a ton of strength and balance and previously has been completely elusive to me.  

In Crane pose, you balance your knees on your triceps - so you have to have good balance and your arms have to hold all your weight!

Last night I fell asleep fast but woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  I felt anxious, jittery and unsettled.  Not about anything specific - just a sense of foreboding.  I finally fell back asleep, but it was a fitful night.

I did well with eating over the weekend and when I got on the scale this morning it was 118.7.  I was happy about this, but almost perversely disappointed.  It was like I felt I should have been punished by a high number on the scale for my utter and complete exercise failures over the weekend.  

So nothing is terrible - I just am searching...

Today I am thankful that my purported "problems" are mere ripples in a calm pond when so many in the world are facing gigantic waves.


  1. in the moment it is so hard to 'listen to your body', Marc was right and you'll be ok. "It will be ok" is one of my mantra's. Easier said then done in the moment though - ishbel :)

  2. Marc is 100% right! I know I don't really "know" you but I feel like I do since I've ready ALL of your blogs, and you are far too hard on yourself!! You work so hard at everything you do, I can't believe it took you this long for your body to refuse to keep up! You ran TEN MILES. That is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, you are an inspiration to so many of us and I can't even fathom being as active and dedicated as you are. Maybe one day. haha

    BTW I am back from my trip to Vegas, and you were right, I didn't need a seat belt extender! The tray table still had to stay up though and I certainly didn't feel comfortable in the seat, but who does? Baby steps... :)

  3. Thanks to both of you for your support and understanding. I am very hard on myself, especially when it comes to not meeting established goals.

    Karen - congrats on not needing the extender! It is baby steps and hearing the "snap" as you put your belt on must have felt great!!!


  4. We all have bad runs. It doesn't mean you failed, it means .. well.. it could mean many things. I agree with Marc, it wasn't your day. 10 miles isn't shameful. Shake it off and get back on schedule tomorrow.

    And quit beating yourself over the head ~ you'll leave a dent!! :)