A bit out of sorts...

I continue to have a problem getting my mojo back.  I really am clueless about what is going on with me.  I am still searching for a purpose, I guess.

This long weekend was a weird one.  First off, Veteran's Day and writing about my father was surprisingly emotional for me.  He looked SO YOUNG in the photo I posted of him.  The anniversary of his death comes right after Thanksgiving.

In fact, we are about to enter a "bad juju" time of year for me.  In a cluster comes the anniversary of my father's death, the death of one of my ferrets, the date that I had to have my Rottweiller, Riker, put to sleep and a the anniversary date of when I was 16 and got into a head-on collision.  I am a bit superstitious, so I kind of feed into this more than your average bear.  

As far as other things go, I feel that I was pretty productive this weekend.  We combined fun things - like going to a craft show - with some chores I wanted to get done.  I gave the dogs a much needed bath.  I also have a LOT of Xmas shopping already done and I wrapped all the gifts!

BUT - I wasn't even going to post this.  It is a source of shame for me and I almost didn't want to tell you guys because it's almost like I feel I'll be letting you all down.  Ok, so what's the big secret?  I only ran 10 miles on my long run on Sunday.  I know - some of you are thinking "Are you fucking kidding me?!"  

I felt totally and completely wiped out by the first mile.  The wind was just terrible and my legs felt like lead.  At mile 8.5 I texted Marc and said that he might have to come get me, but I was going to try to get home.  I got to mile 10 - only 3 miles from home - and I just could not do it.  I was SO HUMILIATED to have to call Marc and ask him to come get me.  I felt like a total failure.  He was nothing but supportive.  

I felt so horribly guilty that I wanted to come home and at least hit the elliptical, but Marc was telling me I had to listen to my body and if it was that tired that I needed to rest.  We compromised and did P90X2 Yoga - and I did have a big "WOO HOO!!" moment when I got into and held "Crane" pose - a pose that takes a ton of strength and balance and previously has been completely elusive to me.  

In Crane pose, you balance your knees on your triceps - so you have to have good balance and your arms have to hold all your weight!

Last night I fell asleep fast but woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  I felt anxious, jittery and unsettled.  Not about anything specific - just a sense of foreboding.  I finally fell back asleep, but it was a fitful night.

I did well with eating over the weekend and when I got on the scale this morning it was 118.7.  I was happy about this, but almost perversely disappointed.  It was like I felt I should have been punished by a high number on the scale for my utter and complete exercise failures over the weekend.  

So nothing is terrible - I just am searching...

Today I am thankful that my purported "problems" are mere ripples in a calm pond when so many in the world are facing gigantic waves.