The wrong "J" word...

Not too long ago I was sitting at a morning meeting next to a woman who works in another office but comes over every week for the meeting.  Someone had brought in a couple bags of Hershey's Kisses that day and most people at the table were indulging.

If you know me, you would know that chocolate and candy is relatively easy for me to say "no" to.  I crave breads and those type of things.  Candies and chocolate have never been my downfall.  So it wasn't that hard to refuse those candies.  

But this woman who was sitting next to me had several kisses while the meeting was going on.  And I was watching her because she is not heavy at all.  And she is a relatively new runner who was, at the time, training for a 1/2 marathon.  And I just wondered in my head how she could so easily just grab those candies and eat them like it was nothing.  She wanted them and so she had them!

I remember those days.  When and if I wanted a snack I just grabbed it without thinking.  Without question.  Without wondering what others would think.

So the meeting wraps up and people are starting to leave and she grabs a couple more kisses "for the road".  And I must have been STARING at her because she looks over at me and says "I feel like you are judging me!"  I was taken aback because I hadn't even really realized that I was watching her to the point that she noticed.  

After a second I said "You're confusing JEALOUSY with JUDGEMENT!"  And we both laughed it off.

But it was totally true.  I wasn't watching her eat those candies with judgemental distain.  I was wondering how someone who was not overweight could just decide to eat a whole bunch of chocolate without reservation.  Without self-doubt and recriminations.

It is hard for me living with Marc, sometimes.  As a guy he burns off many more calories then I do with the same workouts.  And he builds muscle a lot easier.  And he is, like me, a carb freak!  He eats SO MUCH bread.  On Saturday we were making lunch and he had a can of Chunky's Chicken Corn Chowder and a big-ass BAGEL.  That was, in my other life, a lunch that dreams are MADE of.  I had my grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich on a 90 calorie wrap - which is my Saturday treat meal.  And I was so jealous of him being able to eat that soup and bagel.

Kind of pathetic.  But so true.  I mentioned that I ran 17 miles yesterday?  I'm not kidding people - I like to challenge myself, but part of the reason I took the loop that takes me an extra 3 miles is so that I could have a wonderful, beautiful bagel for lunch without guilt.  Which I enjoyed IMMENSELY.    

The bottom line is that it is a choice.  I can either eat like I want to - and like some people do - OR I can be thin.  I can't be both, period.  Such was not my lot in life.  So I say to myself "Tough shit, princess!  It is what is is, so stop feeling sorry for yourself!"  Yup, I'll say that to myself.  But I will still stare at those eating with what appears to be freedom....