Monday, October 21, 2013

Be careful what you wish for!

Because you just might get it!!

My life is so much better now that I've lost weight.  Better in more ways then I can possibly describe.  There isn't a part of my world - from physical to emotional to social - that hasn't been totally transformed for the positive.  So there is no way that I would ever go back to that life.

But it would be disingenuous to not acknowledge some of the more difficult aspects that this journey has taken me on.  In some ways me life was so much easier when I was Fat Jen.  

I thought about this today as I debated what my lunch hour would bring.  I had brought a DVD in this morning for my lunch workout.  But it was relatively nice out today - and the rest of the week is supposed to be crappy, so I thought that I might get a walk in - and then I wouldn't have to change my clothes, just throw on some sneaks.  And I had a movie that we rented last night that needed to be returned to Redbox and I would walk past a kiosk and could drop it off.  But it was a little chilly, and very windy and I hadn't worn a coat.

So as the debate in my tiny little brain raged on, I thought about what the debates in my head used to be about.  They weren't about maximizing my lunch hour for fitness, that's for sure.  I would have no more then arrived at work and where I would eat for lunch became the focus.  Who I would go with and at which  crappy ass, unhealthy chain restaurant I would be stuffing my face took center stage.  With the plans made, morning was a countdown to going.  And if there was food lying around at work - pre-packaged brownies or cakes - I'd eat them with delight.  Certainly there was nothing healthy about this but it was...simpler.

Then I would get home to plop myself in front of the computer until Marc finally decided he would make dinner.  Every night involved him sighing and saying that he didn't know what to make.  And I would tell him that anything was fine.  And so we would have a bland piece of meat (neither of us seasoned things back then for the most part), usually potatoes, and then we'd boil whatever frozen vegetable he pulled out.  Often there would be white bread/a roll slathered in butter eaten with the meal.  And, of course, some highly processed cookies for dessert.  

I didn't plan my meals the night before and try to make them varied and healthy.  I didn't think a thing about calories or protein and carb counts.  I just ate - a lot.  Evening was more sitting around, usually at the computer, until prime time hit.  And then it was time to watch TV with a soda.  And often microwave popcorn.

Weekends I would sleep until at least 10:30 and would haul myself out of bed and use the computer until I would shower and eat lunch.  Afternoons brought us going to the mall and wandering aimlessly around.  If we were feeling really, really ambitious, some weekends we would take the dogs some place and walk with them.  No more then a couple of miles.  

Looking back it's hard to believe that this really was my life.  It is so foreign to how I live now.  There are days when I have been HIGHLY stressed at work.  So I come home and begin unpacking the workout clothes from today, packing up the duffle bag for tomorrow and picking out tomorrow's outfit.  That is followed by working out.  As soon as that is done it's time to prepare dinner.  After eating it's time to pick out tomorrow's breakfast and dinner and to prepare and pack tomorrow's lunch.  Then there are the inevitable chores that need to be done.  Some days I feel like I can't possibly accomplish what I need to.

And weekends?  Well they are pretty full.  In fact yesterday was the most restful day I've had in a long time. I started the day with a 15 mile run and then pretty much vegged watching football the rest of the day.  It will not surprise anyone who has followed my blog for a while to know that I felt really guilty about not doing something more productive in the afternoon!  So I was mad at myself by bedtime.

All the things that I do now are designed to make sure that I am as healthy and fit as I can be.  That's a good thing!  And how Marc and I used to live?  Well, that's what made me incredibly obese.  But you can see that life was simpler.  Sometimes I think that I should incorporate a little of the old life into my new one.  Like chilling out once and a while without guilt.  Or eating something "naughty" without overanalyzing it.  Not daily like in my old life, but once and a while. 

What's the point of making huge, revolutionary changes if you can't enjoy them?  Sometimes I fear I can't see the forest for the trees, you know?


  1. Hi Jennifer,
    I just did a marathon through your past blog posts yesterday ( hello ocd sister), so first off, congratulations on your tenacity towards your choice to live a healthier life! As you honestly shared, it's not easy by any means. Especially when fighting through obesity to get there. What I appreciate most about all you've written is how you show the hard parts, stumbled, got back up, succeeded, staggered, re-focused, wobbled, tried again, kept going, Kept Going, and KEPT GOING! I 100% agree with and love your take on those with the "excuses", of whom, on occasion, I am. If I want to loose some serious weight, I gotta put in the serious work. Period. It's not for the faint of heart.

    Have you heard of Gabor Mate? In The Realm of
    The Hungry Ghosts? I've read it a couple times, and I'm pretty sure I am addicted to food, or at least the pattern of "get psyched by a new diet/work out/combo of both, do it for a while, get bored, fail, repeat". From your perspective of your line of work, what's your take on food addiction. I didn't notice your mentioning it as part of your journey, and maybe that's deliberate. Or not. I'm curious...

    1. Thanks so much for the compliments. I think tenacity is a crucial part of this journey. Finally, something in my life where being a STUBBORN MULE has paid off!!

      I have not read that book, but I see it's on Amazon so I might download it!

      I met almost none of the "criteria" for food addiction when I was obese and although I meet a couple now, I still don't have a lot of the "symptoms" - like lying about eating, sneaking food, etc.

      I will consider a post about food addiction!! Thanks!