Love?

You know who I envy?  I totally envy those people who post on places like Facebook in these sexy poses and you know they are thinking "DAMN!  I look GOOD!"  And who is anyone to tell them different?

I mean many of them have far from "ideal" bodies.  Or they are making funny expressions and they don't give a shit, they post these pics anyway!  

I always knew in my heart that I would love what I saw when I looked in the mirror if I ever lost weight.  I used to tell myself to try to motivate me - "Wait until you are thin - you are going to look SO GOOD!"

And then I lost a lot of weight.  And that confidence - that looking good?  It didn't happen.

I can look in the mirror and point out certain things I like - like I have always thought I have good hair.  And I like my muscles.  But there is always a caveat.  Like "Dang, look at my bicep muscles - that is awesome.  Too bad you have all that hanging skin on your tricep area."

The point is, it's NEVER good enough.  I will never be thin enough or pretty enough or anything else.  Because?  Well the because is that it's not about the looks.  It's about my brain and how I don't like myself.  

So when I woke up today - after eating my body weight in pizza and breadsticks (a planned indulgance) yesterday during the Superbowl - AND the scale acknowledged that, AND I am swollen with retained fluid AND the scale is way up - and I just kind of smiled and said to myself "You are totally fine - this will come off and you can't even tell with your dress on" - I didn't feel guilty or angry or scared or fat.  

So maybe - just maybe - this is a step in the right direction.

But don't expect any sexy selfies on Facebook in the near future!! LOL