Friday, March 7, 2014

Thoughts versus behavior....

So I know you're all dying to know what happened yesterday.  Well, I'll tell you...

I went and got 2 big greasy pizzas and then stopped at the grocery store next to the pizza shop and picked up a box of chocolate chip cookies and 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's.  I told myself that my pizza was healthy because I got mushrooms on it (Marc's had pepperoni).

I then got home, changed into sweat pants and buried myself under a heated blanket in front of the tv.  I proceeded to dive into my pizza - finishing every single piece.  I even pulled the cheese off that was stuck to the bottom of the box and ate that.  I then munched on some chocolate chip cookies.  For dessert I started in on the pint of Ben and Jerry's.  About 1/4 way though, my stomach hurt but I perservered and ate the WHOLE THING.

And I didn't feel a BIT guilty.  In fact, I didn't care at all!


None of that happened.  I thought about it.  I wanted that to happen.  I fantasized about it happening.

Instead, I came home and used the computer and then went downstairs and ran 7 miles on the treadmill.  And then we had dinner.  Grilled chicken breast with some navy beans that Marc had cooked in the crockpot all day and a side of kale.  For dessert I had an 80 calorie Greek yogurt.

I'm not telling you this because I think that I deserve a pat on the back or applause or anything else.  But, as I always tell my clients - you don't get in trouble for your thoughts, only your behavior.

I felt like shit on a stick yesterday.  Frankly I still do today.  I have the FUCK ITS.  There is part of me that still wants - very badly - to give up.

But this is where the rubber meets the road.  Where I reach deep inside myself and find the strength to go on.  To fight against the addictive voice that tells me that I'm not worth it.  That nothing matters.

The healthy and sane part of me won last night.  I can't promise what will happen tonight.  I still feel absolutely miserable and empty and broken and LOST.  But I can have all the mental fantasies I want - it is my behavior that will make the difference.  It's all about choices...

What choices are you making?

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