Today would have been my father's 66th birthday. I was telling Marc that there seems to be a comedy of errors to keep my father in my head this year. In three short months I will be turning the age that he was when he died. This has been really "renting space" in my head lately.
Then last week, a co-worker who lost her father at a very young age wanted to talk to me about her father. She said that she was only comfortable talking to someone who had also lost their dad suddenly. And then, I watched Mike & Molly this week and it was all about the issues that Molly has because of the death of her father when she was very young.
I don't know why I think about this - it's not like anything can be changed. I do think that some of my issues come from not only losing my father but the fact that we were not close at all before his death. I was never "Daddy's little girl" and it is almost embarassing for me to admit that I wish I had that experience.
My father was an imperfect person. But he supported his family. He also was unfailingly loyal and loved my mother deeply - I credit this with why I ended up with a man who is passionately devoted to me! I wouldn't settle for less because I saw in my household how a man should treat the woman he loves.
There is a tendency in us all, I think, to romantisize people that are gone. I sometimes think about what my father would be like and what our relationship would be like if he had lived. And it's probably not even close to what it would be like in reality.
But I just feel sad today. Sad about what might have been...
Yesterday was a good day celebrating our anniversary but you know how I was struggling last week. I am feeling extremely unmotivated and discouraged lately. Waking up to 4 degrees and snow is not helping matters.
I am hoping that March is storming in like a lion and the lamb is about to emerge. Once I close the door on today, I'm hoping that the melancholy will disappear and I can get my groove back.
Jen,
ReplyDeleteI so understand you're pain and the fact that certain things seem to pop up as reminders of our loss at the most inopportune times. I lost my mother 11 years ago next month to a heart attack that happened very suddenly. Unfortunately, we had a difficult relationship (like yours with your dad) and had not spoken for nearly a year before she passed. It was devastating and nearly broke me. The biggest regret of my life has been not trying harder to fix things during that last year, and not being able to tell her all the things I wish I could have. It took many years, but I finally feel healed and at peace with it...most of the time. I believe fully that those reminders come to us so that we will strive to never let wounds fester again, and we will live our lives to the fullest, knowing that every second could be our last. My prayers are with you today!!
I am sorry to hear about your mother. Yes, I think the lack of "closure" is the most difficult part of a loss. I love that you said that you have found peace most of the time! Jen
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