Friday, December 7, 2012

Defining myself as a person...

You know, when I was obese I used to think that if only I were thin, life would be WONDERFUL and PERFECT.  As you guys bear witness to in my postings, that is clearly not true.  Don't get me wrong, a lot of things are wonderful but losing weight doesn't suddenly mean that you have a perfect life, that's for sure!

A lot of overweight people think about their weight all the time and define themselves by that.  Interestingly enough, I DID NOT.  Instead I defined myself by my intelligence.  Some of you already know this but I have a Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology.  I got a 4.0 in every class except 1.  I seriously considered re-taking that class just to get a 4.0 so I would have a perfect score in my Master's - like that makes any difference in the real world.

At some point in this journey, I started to define myself by a number on the scale.  That is why this not running thing has thrown me so off-kilter.  It's like if I gain a few pounds then suddenly I become a horrible person.  Yesterday was a scheduled run day - instead of that at lunch I did P90X Core Synergistics and guess what?  I actually FELT GUILTY eating lunch, because I know I didn't burn as many calories as usual.  How messed up is that?  

So I took a deep breath last night and am trying to get focused again.  All I can do is what I can do.  I'm stretching, icing, resting and we'll see what happens when I try to run next week.  I walked on the treadmill last night at an incline of 7 and experienced no pain at all.  The swelling appears to have gone down.  I think these are good signs.  

The period between Thanksgiving and this date is a bad one for me.  In addition to my dad's death, a lot of crappy things have happened during this period, including me having to put my beloved Rottweiller to sleep a few years ago during this period.  Today marks the anniversary of the head on collision I was in when I was 16.  So if I can just get through today, I am confident that things will start looking up.

Thanks for bearing with me during my freak out.   

We'll see what happens when I try to run and we'll see where my weight is come January 1, and if I have to make adjustments, then I will!!

1 comment:

  1. We always search for identity and identifying characteristics, especially the achieved (vs ascribed) kind! It's tough to not fall into that scale=success/failure headspace, and taking a step back is very wise of you.