What is that I see?

I am slogging along.  I would like to tell you that I have been 100% on plan this week, but that would be a lie.  I was ravenously hungry when I got home from work yesterday for some reason which led to unscrewing the cap on the peanut butter jar and....sigh...

I can't really continue to bitch and feel sorry for myself about my weight if I keep sabotaging myself, can I?

My exercise routines have continued to be screwed up. I am totally off the wagon running wise and I've been feeling so lost.

I have been staring in the mirror obsessively certain that I have massive amounts of fat dripping off me.  It's pathetic.  It's so in my head that last night I went to bed and went to lay on my stomach and reflexively reached down to adjust my stomach fat.  I haven't done that in a looonnggg time.

My 2 year date looms large in my mind - it screams failure.

And then some minor glimpses of hope.   Last night I went home and worked my legs - HARD.

I HATE lunges and squats and haven't done a leg routine in what feels like forever.  And about 10 minutes in, I was like "OK, enough!". But I carried on and by 30 minutes in I was - as the saying goes - embracing the suck.  I was sweating and hating it but also riding the wave.

And when I got up this morning and my quads and hamstrings ached, it felt so good to feel soreness from a good workout as opposed to PAIN which seems to be a steady companion after every run...

I had my running clothes with me today.  And when I got invited to an NA meeting for the lunch hour - where they were celebrating someone's one year clean date and I knew there would be CAKE - Fat Jen almost had us sprinting out the door.  But the part of me that is still Thin Jen dragged us reluctantly to the bathroom to change.

Will wonders never cease? It wasn't pretty or fast, but mentally it was the best run I have had in weeks.  I felt reasonably strong with very little self-doubt. 

I am far from where I want to be or where I was last year both physically and mentally.  But since I've been feeling like throwing in the towel, I am going to look at today as a small, but tasty victory.