A cloudy and grey Monday…

Today dawned with weather to match my mood - shitty.  It's cool and rainy and miserable.

Saturday we hosted Marc's family as we do every year for his dad's b-day.  And actually it was a wonderful day until Tony the rooster decided to attack our 4 year old nephew - knocking him completely down and scratching his face and neck.  So that's the end of him, unfortunately.

Yesterday, I felt run down and was having a major pity party for myself.  I had so much I could have - SHOULD HAVE - been doing.  I managed some running on the treadmill but it was a truly pathetic effort.  And then I sat outside on my big fat ass getting nothing accomplished.

How have I fallen so far, so hard?

And more importantly, how do I find my way back?

Saturday we have a race.  I will be running the 10K and Marc will be racing on his bike.  I have done this race twice before and as I looked in my racing scrapbook yesterday and saw myself in pictures at last year's race - smiling and holding a medal for 2nd place - I felt like I didn't even know that woman looking back at me.

It's more then the weight gain.  It's weight gain and pain and just feeling dissatisfied and lost.  When I took the dogs for a 4 mile walk along a trail yesterday I had a lot of time to think.  About tomorrow's significance and my failures.  I recognize how overly dramatic I am making things, but I can't help how I feel.

What I plan to do is take this week to start to regroup.  Then after the race I need to figure out where I stand on my running and weight and life in general.

Please bear with me - especially when I lose my shit tomorrow when the scale delivers the news of my inability to maintain my weight loss...