What can you live with?

After a super on track week last week, I relaxed the rules over the weekend and was most decidedly NOT totally on track. Now I didn’t go completely crazy, but I definitely ate more than I “should” have - or did I?

“Should” is one of those magical words. Over the last couple years, my life has become filled with those - “I should have run today!” or “I shouldn’t have eaten that cookie, what the hell is wrong with me?!?!” are thoughts that I get plagued with whenever I do something that I have defined as “naughty” - because I have determined that I SHOULD weigh no more than 120 pounds and anything that I do that doesn’t lead me to that goal is WRONG and BAD.

Which, of course, is silly, right? I once had a “zero tolerance” policy. I virtually never strayed off plan. I went on vacations and didn’t allow myself to eat ANYTHING that wasn’t on the “ok to eat list”. And running? Well, there were a certain prescribed number of miles and scheduled days per week that I HAD TO run and anything outside of that was unacceptable.

And guess what - it worked! I stayed at a lowish weight and ran races and won them. I also found myself driving past an ice cream hut on vacation and bursting into tears because I hadn’t had ice cream in SO LONG and wanted some SO BADLY but I would not allow it because it was BAD. I started to see running as a chore, but continued to run even with injury.

It sounds completely crazy when you see it in black and white like this. But it was my life. A lifestyle, that it turns out I have apparently unable to sustain.

I think that I am almost there. That maybe I can live with not weighing 120 pounds. That maybe I’m not going to win any more races and this is not the end of the world. I still plan to eat right more days than not. And I have no plans to give up my fitness activities. I hope to lose some weight. Ideally without losing my mind!

Where do you stand in your journey? Are you happy with your routine and is it sustainable? How do you balance being happy and healthy while still striving towards your goals?