Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Like any good addict…

The floor that I work on doesn’t have any good bakers. Ok, let me re-phrase that. There *might* be good bakers on the floor, but - FORTUNATELY - they are not the type of bakers that enjoy baking and then bringing in the products to share with their co-workers!

I have a hard enough time resisting crappy pre-packaged treats that someone does bring in frequently, but if there were fresh baked goodies constantly present??!!  I would be totally screwed…

On another floor, there are a few people that are WONDERFUL bakers and quite enjoy baking cakes for birthdays or just making some cupcakes and bringing them in. Recently, one of these bakers brought in some DELICIOUS looking frosted cookies that she had made the night before because “I was bored”.

I do have to visit this part of the building on occasion and often have to talk with others on business issues while these irresistible sweets sit on the table screaming “EAT ME - I AM SOOOOOOO GOOD!” I do my best to resist with varying degrees of success.

Today I was there and there was a cake. I had a gigantic piece. It was SOOOO good. As I went back for my second piece and covered it with whipped cream, I found myself feeling SO guilty and I was so DISGUSTED with my lack of self-control! And yet I keep eating. I was thinking that it was only Wednesday - that my resolve to get back on track had lasted a total of 2 freaking days and how pathetic that was. I also had in my head that I needed to tell the truth here - to be honest with you guys - but that I was severely tempted to LIE and do a post telling you guys that I had another day on track and woo-hoo I am so awesome.... These thoughts were going through my head as I was shoveling that cake right in....

Which is precisely when my eyes flew open. I was completely disoriented as I stared at the clock next to my bed which read 5:32. I realized I had to pee badly and jumped out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet, that’s when I realized - IT WASN’T REAL. I hadn’t just scarfed down 2 huge pieces of cake. The day hadn’t even started! And this huge RUSH of relief just surged through me. You know that electric feeling that goes through your body when you think something bad has or will happen and then realize it’s all ok? That’s what I felt.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream like this, but it has been a while. And it was SO REAL. Every detail of eating that cake - from cutting off a chunk, to putting it on the plate, to spraying on the whipped cream - all of it was as real as it could be. In addition, the intense feelings of having let myself and others down, the guilt and shame - it was almost tangible.

I have had so many clients describe to me their intense dreams of using once they have stopped. Of driving drunk and hitting something, of melting down heroin and sticking the needle in their arm, of smoking a joint and then realizing they will be drug tested the next day and flying into a PANIC. While the consequences of me chowing down on cake is RADICALLY different than a drug addict relapsing, it is just amazing to me how same this experience is - if that isn’t yet another clue of my food addiction, I don’t know what is!!!

This is neither good nor bad - it just IS. In some ways it is almost funny.  I gotta say, it is a welcome relief to be able to post here honestly and claim another day of staying on plan, of being successful at trying to get back on track.

By the way - just in case - I avoided that area of the building today as if it was PLAGUE INFECTED!!


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