Friday, April 17, 2015

When insight steps in...

Wow, guys... I hesitate deeply making this post.  Because there is no way for me to talk about this without coming across as a complete and total loser and/or like I am feeling totally sorry for myself and/or that I am begging for compliments...

I always thought that my obesity was as plain and simple as me liking food and unlucky genetics and nothing more.  Like some drug addicts I work with, I was offended when it was suggested that obesity had emotional causes as does drug addiction.  But as I began this journey it became more and more obvious how the food was so much more than food.  

My incredibly low self-esteem - which I hid pretty well under a facade of humor and intelligence and faux "fuck 'em" attitude - hugely influenced my behavior.

I think I've made strides in this area.  A friend just recently told me how proud she was of my "growth" when I was telling her about not allowing others to mistreat me anymore.  I told her that I believe I subconsciously used to allow this because I believed I was such an embarrassment being so fat that I deserved to be treated badly.

Luckily, I've had people in my life - mainly Marc - who have shown me unconditional love.  But I admit there were and still are times  when I am baffled to why he loves me like he does.

Today I walked by a room with a group of people in it.  And as I walked by they yelled my name.  And then made small talk with me - nothing earth shattering, but just small talk.  And, as it was Friday afternoon, people started to disperse and we all wished each other a happy weekend.  I spent a couple more minutes chatting with one person about running and then moved on.  

And I realized that I was wondering why they had stopped me.  There was - believe it or not - a part of me that wondered if they were making fun of me.  Like a stupid middle school bullying session - you know where the "popular kids" pretend to like the fat girl just to trash her later...

So following that path I asked myself "What if?" What if they actually like me??!!  What if there was no agenda, no hidden or nasty motives?  What if there are people out there who actually like me just for being me????

I was shocked that as I thought more about this the idea of it was so foreign it was almost scary.

I've always had friends - I was even pretty popular in school and I've always had groups of people that I've hung out with and enjoyed my friendships  But despite this, I think that I've always kept a wall up.  That I've always believed that people only tolerate me - that they don't actually LIKE me.

As the weight came off, I've slowly been letting down these walls I've spent so many years building.  It's just incredible to have these revelations continue to pop up...

Anyone out there identify with this at all or am I alone on my own Isle of Crazy???

1 comment:

  1. You're not alone Jen!! Lots of us who were overweight/obese most of our lives feel that way through constant conditioning and we project our insecurities on others. I'm married to a wonderful man who married me at my highest weight, accepting me for who I was, regardless of the number on the scale. His loving acceptance gave me the courage and incentive to take better care of myself and to finally lose the weight (80 lbs!!). I am healthier and happier than I've ever been, because I have that unconditional support!! All that said, I still have those same insecurities about myself and how other people perceive me. I don't know if that will ever go away, but knowing I come home to a safe place of love makes it so much easier to push those doubts and insecurities away.