Sunday, April 5, 2015

The last supper….

A fitting title for today, even for this non-believer!!!

I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Easter!  Mine was good.  It is a holiday that quite honestly means very little to me, but any time there is a time and reason to gather the family together is a-okay with me.

The last few days have been hard for me.  I have been contemplating, crying, thinking, self-pitying, berating myself, feeling hopeful, feeling despair, etc.

Last Thursday at lunch I ran 6 miles.  I got my hair cut after work and when I came home it was late and Marc had taken a long bike ride earlier in the day and didn’t want to do another workout.  So I didn’t either. 

Friday, I told my co-worker this.  I admitted to her that when I went to bed that night I was panicking – I started thinking about how incredibly fat I have gotten and that maybe I ought to sneak out of bed so Marc wouldn’t hear and do at least 30 more minutes of exercise.  I didn’t  but I thought about it.  I knew at the time how sick this was, but hearing myself say it out loud?  I realized how very disordered I have gotten. 

This ain’t rocket science.  I once weighed 344 pounds.  I got down to 117.  Not 20 years ago, but recently.  And the answer is right in front of my face – stop stuffing it!!!

So I planned my last supper.  I relaxed this weekend.  I ate too much.  I exercised too little.  It culminated in an Easter feast.

And now tomorrow?  My behavior changes.  At least I hope it does.  I plan for it to change.  I have a fresh tattoo.  It’s a new month.  I have a fresh haircut.  I dyed my hair yesterday…


Spring is reluctantly and way to slowly getting here, but it IS getting here.  The Robins are back.  Yesterday the sun was shining brightly outside at 6PM. 

I have hope.  Let’s hope these best laid plans come to fruition.

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