One quarter gone…

As we bid goodbye to April, I am taking stock of where I am now that 1/4 of 2015 is out of the way.

I can’t say that I am where I want to be or where I thought that I would be.

I was apparently under the delusion that since I lost weight once, it would be simple to do it again, and wow have I found out differently!

I spent the first part of 2015 in a skidding horrific state of mind.

BUT things are looking up and I must believe that the next 4 months are going to be great.

It will start with my half marathon next weekend.  I’m getting back on track running wise.  Not in time – that still sucks ass.  But in miles.  According to my runkeeper stats, I have traveled 854.5 miles so far in 2015.  This includes 464.3 miles running.  Over 100 miles per month?  I’ll take it.

The weather has mercifully turned warmer.  It was 65 and sunny today.  It is a JOY to come home from work and go outside and play with the dogs when it is sunny and warm.

Yes, heading into summer, I am choosing to believe that I can get my shit together.  That might not mean getting down to 117 pounds again.  I don’t know that this is in the cards.  But I also think I can live with that.

Maybe tomorrow – the start of the next 4 months of the year – I’ll get on the scale.

And one more piece of “news” that most of you will think is dumb, but it made me smile.

I got an e-mail today from Archer’s breeder.  They kept one female from his litter and have been showing her.

Well, she’s pregnant.  Yes, Archer is going to be an uncle!!

When I shared the news with him, he was overcome with excitement…

Keeping your mouth shut.

That is something that I am decidedly NOT good at.

But I’m talking in a different context today then you probably expect.  Last week, I saw a friend and she said that I looked “incredibly cute today”.  As an immediate reaction, I started to protest this and point out my faults.

With a small patient but exasperated smile, my friend said “The correct response is ‘Thank you!’”  I floundered and made a joke.

Fast forward to today when I was talking with a corrections officer I have known for years.  A wonderful guy – kind and patient and, as a bonus, a Dolphins fan

We were talking about a family he knows whose child just died of a overdose.  This is on top of another tragedy that struck that family just a few years ago.

I commented that this should be an example about how some people have such horrible things that they are living with and that I need “to remember that when I’m feeling sorry for myself.”

He asked why I would ever feel sorry for myself.  I responded that it is because I often “suck at life” and laughed.

He said to me – matter of factly -that I have a great job where I get to help people every day and I most certainly have saved lives.  He continued by saying that I overcame being “overweight” and that I am in a happy marriage.  Plus, he said, “You are incredibly pretty.”

You would think that would make me feel great!  But it didn’t.  It took everything I had – and recalling the situation with my friend last week – to not go on a tirade about how I am NOT pretty and I’ve gained weight and all that type of crap.

But I kept my mouth shut.  And tried as hard as I could to just accept the compliment. 

I wonder why accepting compliments like that is so incredibly hard for me.  To the point where I am almost sick to my stomach uncomfortable when people compliment me like that.

I am wondering if any of you that are reading have ever felt that way and if you have learned to overcome it.  I would really love to know…

Tuesday...

It's Tuesday night.  At the end of April, 2015.  A pretty ordinary spring day in my life.

I woke up this morning to my alarm having slept well.  I showered while Marc cooked us eggs.  I watched the news and saw horrible things happening in Baltimore.  I learned that the Supreme Court will be hearing arguments about gay marriage - and the decisions made will effect so many people personally and will also determine the direction of this country in a lot of ways.

Off to work.  A busy but ordinary busy day.  Meetings with clients, paperwork, phone calls.  Consults and meetings with co-workers but fortunately no major crisis.  During lunch I ran a few miles in the sunny, windy and relatively warm conditions.  I thought about the upcoming half marathon and my desire to do well.

When work ended I headed home and prepared dinner - a new recipe I found.  Marc and I took the dogs on a 4 mile walk.  As we walked I reflected that it's been 5 years since I started my life change.  Percentage wise not that much of my life - and yet - I barely remember the fat girl I used to be.  She is starting to fade in my memory.

I came home and threw the chicken I had prepared in the oven.  I got on the computer and read an article how it is basically impossible for people to lose 30% of their bodyweight.  The article encouraged people to set realistic goals.  And I smirked at the screen.

Dinner:

Pretty tasty!  A PILE of kale = 90 calories.

I cut the dogs nails, did some stretching and foam rolling and hooked myself up to the electrical stimulation unit.  My Achilles is doing pretty well, but I have ramped up the mileage dramatically and am feeling it.

Then to watch TV and relax.

A very routine day.  One that many wold find pretty boring.  And it likely would have been the same day if I weighed 10 pounds less.

I am starting to accept this.  Naturally thin is not in my cards.  And fighting to keep my weight down every minute of every day?  It has been exhausting.  If days like this are a staple in my life - I think I'm pretty fortunate.

Or am I just making excuses to justify how heavy I have gotten?

Amazon

Don't forget!

Going to Amazon from this blog gets me credit and helps support my costs to maintain it!

Click the Amazon button on the upper right of the main page!

http://www.amazon.com/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&linkCode=ur2&tag=myweilosjo06d-20&linkId=S5WKWTMMG54UOOJS

It will take you to the main page and then you can shop and purchase - you don't need to do anything else differently!

The secret handshake…

Last week on Facebook, a bunch of my friends were talking about Lilly Pulitzer.  I had NO IDEA whatsoever what the hell they were talking about.  Actually, I still don’t.  There was some controversy and Target was mentioned.  But I felt like they were speaking in tongues.

I know that there are people out there that truly do not care about belonging or fitting into any groups.  There are people in this world that like a solitary existence for the most part and don’t have much interest in being associated with any sort of groups.

I am most decidedly NOT one of those people.  It’s not about being accepted for the most part, but it’s about feeling bonded with other people.  Especially like-minded people.

Which is why it has been interesting for me – going from a remarkably unfit and sedentary existence to being a part of the fitness community. 

Like many of these groupings, there is no official membership.  There are no dues, no meetings and no secret handshakes.  But there are words and phrases and things that we do in this “club” that other people just don’t get.

Like I could say to a person how excited I was to poop before a race.  A non-runner would think I was crazy or would be grossed out.  Another runner would TOTALLY get it.

Other people I know might be happy for me that I ran 14 miles yesterday or would get why last summer when I ran a mile in under 7 minutes I was so thrilled.  But another runner would understand.

And when I talk to my clients about weight lifting and can laugh with them when they talk about people getting kicked out of Planet Fitness for grunting while lifting – it’s a language I speak.

This is a society that I never EVER imagined I’d be a part of.  If you had told me 5 years ago that I’d be a member of a site called Runkeeper and that a complete stranger from Europe would be writing “Great time, Jen!” under one of my runs,  I would have never believed it!

And I won’t lie – that type of feedback motivates and inspires me.  Seeing other people – at all various levels of fitness – getting out there every day?  And it’s pretty cool that all you have to do to be accepted is to make a choice to join.  Without judgment, without expectations.  Just show up. 

So if you are wondering if you can be part of this super-special, super-secret society, I give you a resounding yes, yes, yes. 

We’re pretty cool.  Even though I can’t tell you who the hell Lilly Pulitzer is….

Yay for Saturday…

This is how I started my Saturday:

I normally do a longer run on Sunday, but I wanted to change my schedule a little bit based on the upcoming race.  I told myself that today’s run would determine whether I did the 1/2 mary or whether I stuck to the 10k.

As you can see I made it just over 14.  Which puts the 1/2 totally doable.  Except it was SLOW.  Wayyyy off where I was at this time last year.

But I came home, forced myself to swallow my pride and registered for the 1/2.  So the deed is done.  The credit card has been charged – no backing out now!

Oh, and I was interviewed by the local news about the drug problem in this county and the lack of treatment.

Here’s a link if you’re interested:

http://www.wwnytv.com/news/local/The-Price-Of-Fighting-The-Drug-War-301116271.html

So that’s the excitement in my life!

Lunch anyone?

In my never-ending quest to find healthy low-cal and tasty lunch choices, I have a new obsession.

Why I never thought of this before?   No clue?

But if you have a microwave and a few minutes, try cooking something like this up.

A bag of steamable veggies.  Today’s selection was broccoli.

A nice big bag for like 80 calories.

Add the meat of your choice.  I chose imitation lobster at 200 calories and a TON of protein.

And there you have it!  Filling, tasty, quick and healthy!

I guess I’ll take it…

Not like I exactly have a choice…

I had just gotten home from work today and heard the tranquil melody I have for my ring tone begin playing. 

I looked at the unfamiliar number and then realized that it was coming from the exchange used where the doctor’s office is located.  I had my blood drawn last Friday and knew that this was what it was about.

I reluctantly pressed the button and the perky nurse asked for me and then identified herself.  “The doctor has reviewed your lab work and everything looks good, there is no need for a statin medication and we’ll see you again in a year!  Okay?” 

I absorbed this for a minute, breathed a sigh of relief and then asked her if she would mail a copy of the lab work to me.  She sounded somewhat perplexed and distressed by this request.  Why are doctor’s offices SO RELUCTANT to allow patients access to their own medical records??!!

But I digress.

She agreed to send it, but I asked her if she minded reading the cholesterol results for me.  She said that my overall cholesterol was 235 and my HDL (good cholesterol) is 72 and my LDL was – and then she mumbled.  I think it is either 139 or 149.  YIKES!

Either way that is HIGH.  Especially for someone like me who is eating really well most of the time.  GRRRR….

BUT the HDL is extremely high and that ratio must by what caused him to not recommend a medication – and I know he STRONGLY recommends statins for those at high risk, because he basically told me that at the appointment.

So, I’m a little discouraged about the numbers.  I’ll see the exact number when the copy gets here. 

But I truly don’t know how more I can do.  I could eat PERFECTLY and I doubt it would lower that number by much.  Fucking genetics!

If and when I lose some weight, that will help.  And I am now – upon the doc’s urging – taking a baby aspirin every day.  From what I read, that helps.  Not a lot but it helps.

But for another year, at least, I get to breath a sigh of relief and move forward. 

Get into the groove….

I feel like I’m in a groove right now in both a positive and a negative way.  In some ways, having a predictable daily routine can be a drag on both mind and soul.

On the other hand, I feel in control and in a workable routine.  Something has happened with my running.  Almost 4 years after I ran my first mile outside I think that I have learned to pace myself and what a difference this has made.  The daily running is so much easier now that I can and do slow down as needed.

The bad news?  My pace is SO SLOW compared to last year.  Last summer I was regularly running between 7:45 and 8:00 minute miles.  Now?  I’m running about 8:30 minute miles. 

BLAH!

So this is what needs to happen.  I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.  And, if I want to get faster, I need to do speedwork.  So why is that a problem?  Because I HATE speedwork and I LOVE food. 

I still am a coward and haven’t stepped on the scale.  I don’t think I have gained since my April 1 doctor’s appointment but I haven’t lost either.

Now, check out this pathetic-ness.  The Heather Freeman Run to the Sun is May 9th.  I have the choice of a half-marathon, a 10K or a 5K.  The last 2 years I’ve run the half.  And both years placed 2nd.

This year I will not be competitive so I’m thinking of just doing the 10K.  I’m SUCH an asshole.

BUT, I haven’t been felt the depression and desperation that I felt this winter, so I want to hold on to that part of the routine. 
I hope that this means I’m moving onwards and upwards and everything else will follow….

I will be thinking about this....

Anyone else?

It’s been 3 years…

Yesterday marked the 3 year anniversary of having my skin removed all the way around.  It was an amazing life changing event.  The weight loss, of course, it was really made my life what it is today.  But carrying around the huge draping loose skin was absolutely terrible – not just cosmetically, but functionally as well.

For those of you that have read this blog, you’ll know that I, in general, heal fast, but scar deeply and that was seen right after the surgery.  But as you’ll see in the pics – the scars have faded quite remarkably.

So that’s the cosmetic portion.  As far as anything else?  Rapping on wood here – there are no side effects from the surgery except a small amount of tightness where I was pulled together in the front.  That doesn’t effect me at all on a daily basis, but doing extreme backbends in yoga?  I either can’t do them or feel it in the extreme.  Big fat hairy deal, right?

I have also read where some people experience side effects from the ab repair, but again, I have no issues there.

So I want to show you the pics, but I would ask you guys to remember that this is a little embarrassing for me – these are unaltered, so you will see my gross stretch marks and my obvious weight gain in full glory – don’t be too cruel, please!!!

Front:

This looks the worst of it all to me.  Having said that, even with a small bikini, I think you would have to be looking for the scar to realize that is was there.  The belly button is bizarre looking, but from a distance I don’t think it is too bad.

Side:

Back:

If you remember, this was a very nasty scar.  I had to sit and lay on my butt/back, so it took a LONG time to heal after the surgery.  But wow, this really faded!

Other side:

Even where that drain was – it looks pretty good.

And then – I just wanted to show how well the lasering of my birthmark worked! 

I think one more treatment would have completely eliminated the port wine color, but since he did it for free – I’m pretty happy!

And finally, just because Marc had his camera out – my tattoo guy did the touch up portion of my tattoo on Friday, and I really like how colorful it turned out!

Chicken shit!!

Nooope – I’m not calling anyone a coward here.  I’m talking real and actual chicken shit!

I realize that most of you won’t have any interest in this post, but I worked my ASS off today and I’m going to talk about it.

I clean out the coop thoroughly every spring.  This long hard winter meant that our chickens were held captive in the coop 24/7 most of the winter.  So the coop was incredibly packed with crap and shavings.  Today was the day I chose to get it all cleaned out.

This is what it looked like. 

I began raking and shoveling.  The chickens were distraught over me being in there – although 3 snuck in and laid eggs in the nesting boxes while I was working.

I would shovel everything into a wagon we can attach to our tractor.  It took 4 1/2 loads an each load – I counted – took about 80 shovels full.

After 2 loads gone:

The smell was fantastic – NOT!

Marc would then drive the tractor over to a spot on our land and dump it all to rot in peace.

Finally it was all cleared out.

The next task was to scrub the walls down with soap and bleach.  This is especially important when you’re putting new baby chicks in to the coop.  Thanks to Tony’s parting gift, we have 16 hens and didn’t get any new babies, but I still needed to get the walls reasonably clean from all the sprayed poopage.

With that done, the easy part was to lay new shavings and put all the food and water dishes back.

It took a full 3 1/2 hours to get this done.  But I feel accomplished and I think I just **might** have burned a few calories!!

Welcome to the glamorous life I lead!!

When insight steps in...

Wow, guys... I hesitate deeply making this post.  Because there is no way for me to talk about this without coming across as a complete and total loser and/or like I am feeling totally sorry for myself and/or that I am begging for compliments...

I always thought that my obesity was as plain and simple as me liking food and unlucky genetics and nothing more.  Like some drug addicts I work with, I was offended when it was suggested that obesity had emotional causes as does drug addiction.  But as I began this journey it became more and more obvious how the food was so much more than food.  

My incredibly low self-esteem - which I hid pretty well under a facade of humor and intelligence and faux "fuck 'em" attitude - hugely influenced my behavior.

I think I've made strides in this area.  A friend just recently told me how proud she was of my "growth" when I was telling her about not allowing others to mistreat me anymore.  I told her that I believe I subconsciously used to allow this because I believed I was such an embarrassment being so fat that I deserved to be treated badly.

Luckily, I've had people in my life - mainly Marc - who have shown me unconditional love.  But I admit there were and still are times  when I am baffled to why he loves me like he does.

Today I walked by a room with a group of people in it.  And as I walked by they yelled my name.  And then made small talk with me - nothing earth shattering, but just small talk.  And, as it was Friday afternoon, people started to disperse and we all wished each other a happy weekend.  I spent a couple more minutes chatting with one person about running and then moved on.  

And I realized that I was wondering why they had stopped me.  There was - believe it or not - a part of me that wondered if they were making fun of me.  Like a stupid middle school bullying session - you know where the "popular kids" pretend to like the fat girl just to trash her later...

So following that path I asked myself "What if?" What if they actually like me??!!  What if there was no agenda, no hidden or nasty motives?  What if there are people out there who actually like me just for being me????

I was shocked that as I thought more about this the idea of it was so foreign it was almost scary.

I've always had friends - I was even pretty popular in school and I've always had groups of people that I've hung out with and enjoyed my friendships  But despite this, I think that I've always kept a wall up.  That I've always believed that people only tolerate me - that they don't actually LIKE me.

As the weight came off, I've slowly been letting down these walls I've spent so many years building.  It's just incredible to have these revelations continue to pop up...

Anyone out there identify with this at all or am I alone on my own Isle of Crazy???

You can’t handle the truth!!

Some perspective here – on Monday it was unseasonably warm here.  That made it 105 degrees warmer than it was exactly 8 weeks ago that day.  Yes I said 105 degrees warmer.

Isn’t that insane??

I have been avoiding the scale like the PLAGUE.  I see Marc weigh in on it in the mornings and I want to run away from the thing like it is a gigantic spider.

I have not weighed myself since I had to at the MD appointment on 4/1 and the news was so bad I seriously just wanted to curl up in a fucking corner and cry.

But I was also in the midst at that time of feeling hopeless, powerless, scared and even like just jumping off a bridge.  I believed I would never get warm and/or see the sunlight again.  If you’ve never felt that feeling of just unreasonable desperation then I envy you!

But this week, I’ve been turning it around.  I’ve been running.  32 miles so far this week!  Today I ran in a TANK TOP – and I wasn’t cold!  I’ve lifted weights.  I’ve stood and just STARED like a freak at the sun.  I’ve hung out with the dogs outside and thrown a tennis ball for them.

I’ve felt hope!

So I really don’t have an excuse to not face the reality of the scale.  The number will undoubtedly horrify me.  But I don’t know that it will send me into despair like it would have a few short weeks ago.

And yet?  I don’t want to do it.  It’s ridiculous.  I want to continue to be in denial.  It’s pathetic.  So do I step on tomorrow or give myself the weekend and face it on Monday?

The Hole

“I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in. It's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Grab it and HOLD ON!

If there was any - even a tiny little niggle - of doubt that my mental struggles and weight gain was owed in large part to the miserable horrible winter we have had, it has been completely wiped out over the last 3 days.

Sunday I ran 13 miles and had the most relaxing and peaceful day.  Monday brought a record breaking high temp of 79 - and me running another 6 miles.  After work I took a mat outside and did some ab and core work.  I wasn't the only happy camper - the dogs ran and played and stretched out in the hot windy breeze.  

Today?  More sun and 60.  I typically don't run 3 days in a row, but I wanted to - a nice easy 6.5 miles.  I felt relaxed and strong - strong body and strong mind.

I haven't even been that hungry - despite the miles.  Geez I wonder if my desire to eat is not completely physical - DUH!!

I remain discouraged about my weight, but I see a sliver of hope that I can get my mojo back there as well!  I don't know how long this feeling of peace and empowerment can and will last.  But I'm going to hold on to it for dear life!!!

And, my friends, I have been seriously thinking about my options for a major life change.  Marc has been talking about Colorado.  It's beginning to sound good to both of us.  

Any readers out there from that great state?  

Secrets and Lies…

That’s the title of a new show starting Ryan Phillippe.  It’s really good.  But….

That’s not what I want to talk about today.  This is somewhat a follow up on what I posted the other day about being both a hot mess and beyond awesome at the same time.

I found out something pretty shocking about someone I know today.  In terms of SHOCKING – well it’s pretty tame.  But this is a person who puts it out there that she has the perfect life and has it all together, and now that façade is beginning to crumble and the truth is coming out.

It made me think about a few years ago when a person I knew who had the most amazing loving marriage announced that divorce proceedings had started.  I was so caught off guard – and what bothered me even more was the GLEEFUL way some others talked about it – like they were delighted to learn that this person’s life was not what it seemed to be.

Or when the person I so admired for being incredibly fit and thin and how she was so careful about what she ate and only chose healthy things – and it seemed SO FREAKING EASY for her.  And then I accidentally ran across her hiding in a closet frantically eating Oreos.  I was so shocked because I never in a million years would have guessed that she had that secret!

I have a terrible problem comparing myself to other people.  And we BOMBARDED with people on Facebook and Instagram showing off their wonderful, perfect lives.  I always take that at face value.

But we don’t know what lurks behind the scenes… I would be nothing but happy for someone whose life is as amazing as what I fantasize it to be.

Then I find out secrets about other people.  And I find out that some people think that it is a cakewalk for me – that the eating right and exercising is so easy – which anyone who reads this knows it is not.

Finding out what I did today – that just is another lesson for me.  I shouldn’t envy or assume – because what appears on the surface is not necessarily what lies beneath.  Sometimes it is someone who is full of shit putting on a show.  And sometimes it is someone who is struggling and ashamed or scared or any number of things.

Either way, I am trying to get to the point where I simply value and respect my reality.  I’ll let you know if I ever get there – you’ll probably see it on Facebook

The great outdoors…

Boy, I’ll tell you, there’s nothing like a weekend spent outdoors to start to get my mind right!

Saturday was still pretty cool, but we packed up and headed about 75 miles south to a recreational trail system.  We spent the afternoon leisurely hiking.  Normally, the trails there are fun, but not terribly challenging.  However, since the snow is not completely melted, navigating snow, mud and standing water made it a much more strenuous hike.

For Marc and I, anyway, the dogs had no issues with plowing through the mud – mostly at full speed!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a fun and relaxing time.  I almost managed to turn off my mind to how many calories I was burning and all the shitty self-talk that I am so often consumed with.

Today, a miracle occurred and it dawned sunny and warm.  Still a lot of wind, but I needed to get outside for a long run.  I have not run more than 10 miles outside since December!!

I am learning to control my pace, which makes running easier and more enjoyable.  I have to constantly tell myself to slow down, but I managed 13.12 miles at an average pace of 8:32 MM.  That’s MUCH slower than where I want to be, but I can live with it for now.

I then felt that I had righteously earned my lunch and posted so on Facebook!

Marc and I just finished a session of Travis Eliot’s Yin Yoga – and I feel remarkably at peace with my world.

Now – can I hang onto that AND can I translate it into weight loss……..?

What if that IS me?

On Friday we had a huge windstorm.  I have a lot of trouble running when it's windy, but it was also beautifully warm.  Staying inside was not an option, so I went out and walked through my lunch hour.

When I got back to work, I was greeted by a casual acquataince who told me that "they" had just been talking about me and that one of the group thought that he could beat me in a race but that he "Would put my money on you!!!".  This was - according to him - because I am " awesome".  The group that was talking apparently think that I'm pretty amazing and they wish they had half my motivation.  

I laughed it off and downplayed it - making some joke as well about placing bets and a pay-per-view event.  First off, I am so clueless that people actually notice that I run continues to surprise me.  Secondly, it wouldn't shock me at all to know that people talk about me behind my back in a BAD way but people saying GOOD things???  Does that actually happen?

As I walked away from the group I thought to myself that I have them all fooled.  They think that I'm this fantastic runner and that I have this strong will when I am actually a train wreck.  

I then reflected on this - what if I'm BOTH?  Does struggling with my weight negate the progress I have made?  Because there are days that it takes everything I have to get out the door - does that mean that I'm not a real runner?

If people knew that it is hard for me at times would they think less of me?  Respect me less?  I do that to me but would others?

And I think of people that I admire - if I knew that it wasn't easy for them would it make me dismiss them?  I sure hope not.

Maybe it's not black and white.  Maybe I am both a superstar and an absolute mess at the same time!  I have been incredibly resistant to that thinking.  I have insisted I have to be perfect or worthless.  One or the other.

But wouldn't it be something if I accepted and embraced both my advantages and my weaknesses??  Nah - that might rip a hole in the space time continuum!

I'm no angel...

Have you guys heard about Lane Bryant's I'm no angel campaign?   Here's one of dozens of articles about it...

http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/lane-bryant-takes-aim-victorias-secret-im-no-angel-ad

The campaign is an obvious swipe at Victoria's Secret and their impossibly thin and gorgeous models - and Victoria Secret's not so subtle attempt to promote them as the ideal that all women should be aspiring to.

I'm all for promoting acceptance of women - all shapes and sizes.  But here's my issue - Lane Bryant has turned this purely into a fat versus thin issue rather then truly attempting to show that women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes.

Why do I say that?  Because look at the Lane Bryant models.  They are all young, pretty, heavy women.

Where are the old women with saggy boobs and skin?  Where are the extremely athletic women?  Where are the shapeless, small boobied women?  How about the large muscular women?  How about the soccer mom with a big butt and thin waist?

There is a black woman - one - but where is the Asian?  The Hispanic beauty?  How about the American Indian oe the woman of middle eastern descent?

I am guessing Lane Bryant is still trying to sell clothes and maybe that's their agenda - letting the heavier women out there know that they can still be beautiful.

And that's okay.  But turning this into a simple fat versus thin - but both young and beautiful?  I think it misses an opportunity for is to have a real conversation about how women are viewed and treated...

Learning and re-learning…

So I decided that I would treat this attempt to get back on track as something I am doing for the first time.  So I'm not the Jen who was once morbidly obese and lost a lot - I am someone who has been a reasonable weight and has gained a whole bunch over the last year and needs to get some of the poundage off.

That means I am starting from scratch.  I have bad habits I need to unlearn and there are healthy skills I need to learn.

Only 2 days in I am seeing where some of my challenges lie.  Like coming home from work and picking and picking and picking just because it's there.  Or exercising really well and feeling that this entitles me to consume massive amounts.

Feeling hungry 30 minutes before dinner is normal.  It’s not snack time.  DUH!

But what thinking of this as a new thing is helping me do what I did in the first place - make small deliberate changes. This is in contrast to what I've been doing all winter - which is obsessively exercising and severely calorie restricting until I go batshit crazy and eat everything that isn't nailed down.

I also can’t be delusional and think that 1 week perfectly on plan will drop 20 pounds.  It doesn’t work like that.  Patience – oh yippee something that’s I’m sooooo good at – NOT!!!!

So yeah this is only day 2 and there's a long fucking way to go.  But I remind myself that I practiced being "good" more days then not in the beginning instead of thinking I had 200 pounds to lose and it worked pretty well.

Round 2 continues...

The story of my life...

The last supper….

A fitting title for today, even for this non-believer!!!

I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Easter!  Mine was good.  It is a holiday that quite honestly means very little to me, but any time there is a time and reason to gather the family together is a-okay with me.

The last few days have been hard for me.  I have been contemplating, crying, thinking, self-pitying, berating myself, feeling hopeful, feeling despair, etc.

Last Thursday at lunch I ran 6 miles.  I got my hair cut after work and when I came home it was late and Marc had taken a long bike ride earlier in the day and didn’t want to do another workout.  So I didn’t either. 

Friday, I told my co-worker this.  I admitted to her that when I went to bed that night I was panicking – I started thinking about how incredibly fat I have gotten and that maybe I ought to sneak out of bed so Marc wouldn’t hear and do at least 30 more minutes of exercise.  I didn’t  but I thought about it.  I knew at the time how sick this was, but hearing myself say it out loud?  I realized how very disordered I have gotten. 

This ain’t rocket science.  I once weighed 344 pounds.  I got down to 117.  Not 20 years ago, but recently.  And the answer is right in front of my face – stop stuffing it!!!

So I planned my last supper.  I relaxed this weekend.  I ate too much.  I exercised too little.  It culminated in an Easter feast.

And now tomorrow?  My behavior changes.  At least I hope it does.  I plan for it to change.  I have a fresh tattoo.  It’s a new month.  I have a fresh haircut.  I dyed my hair yesterday…

  

Spring is reluctantly and way to slowly getting here, but it IS getting here.  The Robins are back.  Yesterday the sun was shining brightly outside at 6PM. 

I have hope.  Let’s hope these best laid plans come to fruition.

Give me the news....

I knew how it was going to go today.  I needed to see the doc for my annual appointment.  A new doc who I had never met before.  Every time I get a doctor, he or she moves away.  I'm beginning to get a bit paranoid.

I went to the office and the nurse called me back and the first thing that they almost always do is put you on the scale.  I felt the old feeling of shame and dread.  

I am so fucking discouraged and embarrassed.  It's bad.  Really really bad.  

Blood pressure was good.  Nurse, incredibly nice.  Then comes in the doc.  Young, HOT AS HELL, smart and fit.  He wants me to get a mammogram.  And lab work.

He mentions my "family history" many many many times.  I can see the future.  My cholesterol is going to be high.  Especially since I'm gained so much weight.  And he's going to want me to take meds.  Especially since this young hot doc shared with me that he takes statins because his cholesterol is high due to his own family history.

He tells me he is not concerned at all about my weight.  I tell him I am!!!  He tells me the winter has been horrible.  It will get better, I can lose it easily.  He tells me he knows I am concerned, that I am beating myself up but I just need to get my eating back on track.

Oh, is that all I have to do?

Sigh....