Do you see what I see?

beau·ti·ful
ˈbyo͞otəfəl/
adjective

having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind:
a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.

 

There’s been a thing going around Facebook lately.  It’s stupid, like most of the things on Facebook, but, on the other hand, it’s “heart” is in the right place, unlike a lot of the crap you see.

Someone challenges you to post 5 pictures of yourself where you feel beautiful.  And when you post it, you also challenge your friends to post the same. 

So my friend Jessie posted her pics – and she IS beautiful BTW – and tagged me a couple of weeks ago.  I smirked when I read it and then thought about it.

I realized this.  I have never – NEVER –felt beautiful.  Not once in my life.  Let alone have a pic of myself where I feel beautiful!

Now let’s get something perfectly clear.  I’m not saying this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I’m also not seeking compliments!!  And it’s not that I think I’m hideous.  I wasn’t horrifically ugly when I was fat and I’m certainly not now. 

But beautiful?  No way. 

And I was thinking about this late yesterday when I was looking at photographs from the race like these:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the very first thought I had when I saw these was how I have huge bat wings.  And then I said to Marc that you can see my thigh muscles, but they’re covered up with so much loose skin it looks horrible.  And I also thought about how OLD I look.

I wonder what other people think when they are looking at these pictures.  Especially people who don’t know me or anything about me.  Do they see the massive imperfections that I see? 

Seeing this woman running in a tutu and coming in first – would they think that it was a confident woman there or would they know how much I doubt myself?

And I’m picking apart myself when I’m actually feeling pretty good about life today!  This isn’t me in a dark place trashing my looks – it’s even when I feel happy!

So I guess it’s no wonder that when I get into THOSE moods that I am soooooo hard on myself.

I think I need to realize that there’s never going to be a time when I’m completely satisfied with my looks and just be okay with that.