Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Alive but not kicking…

I fully intended for last week's post to be the last one in this blog.  But I have to make another post to sincerely thank everyone for their kind words and support for me.  For anyone to take the time to reach out to me - a complete stranger - has been absolutely emotionally overwhelming in an already highly emotional time.

I wish I could tell you I'm in a better place, but I am so not.  I was determined to run in Saturday's race and had convinced myself that 2 days rest would make it okay.  I made it exactly .60 of a mile before something popped and my entire foot had pins and needles in it and I got to experience the absolute fucking humiliation of limping back to where I started and scored a DNF.

I celebrated over the weekend by eating everything that wasn't nailed down and then complained about how fat I have become.  Have you ever heard of anything so unbelievably pathetic?

I haven't made the idiotic choice to run since then, and it's getting better.  However I am absolutely convinced that my running career is over.

Yesterday we received some very bad news about Marc's dad.  Marc and his father then returned from the doctor's office to find dad's cat in really bad shape and rushed him to the vet's where, after some tests, it became clean that there was no choice and Timmy had to be euthanized.

I am without even a glimmer of hope and I am of zero use to anyone reading this.  There are inspirational bloggers out there who you can find that are true success stories.  Not sad sacks like me.

I will not be seeing a therapist who should tell me "If you don't want to be fat, stop fucking eating so much, you cow!" I either need to get my shit together or stop complaining - and apparently I'm not prepared to do ether right now...

I really want no one to worry about me or spend any time thinking about how I am.  I know everyone out there has there own stuff they are going through and being concerned about me is not a good use of your valuable time!!!


  1. Dude. You are not a sad sack. You think you're not inspirational any longer, because you're maybe not (in your mind) a perma-badass? Think again. I totally disagree. You are real. You do a HUGE favor letting people see that. You are amazing. You are gorgeous. And God damn it, you still can ride a bike when the running isn't cooperating!! I love your blog. If you stop blogging, would you please send me an actual friends request on FB? I would love to stay in touch - and also hold out hope that you guys do move to Colorado. Anyway, much love. Please don't give up.

  2. Jen, you're right about everyone having their own crap going on. My husband battled throat cancer last year and spent months going through surgeries, treatments, a feeding tube, etc. He still has very limited tastebuds, which makes eating a real challenge. Plus he has dry mouth/throat, which will last the rest of his life. 3 months ago, I had 3 surgeries (in 2 1/2 weeks time) and my liver malfunctioned. I'm just finally recovering from that. Oh, and during that time, my son (who just turned 14) decided he wanted to go live with his dad. I had no choice but to release custody. So yes, we al have shit to deal with. Sometimes life sucks and the hard stuff is just too damn hard, but we keep pushing through. Really, what are your choices? Quitting is not an option, because this is life. You can and WILL get through this. Whether or not you decide to continue running, blogging, eating healthy, etc....those are your choices. You get to choose how you move forward in your life. I know you don't pray, but I will be praying for you and sending you positive thoughts and vibes. You're stronger than you think. Finally, when things are tough, I remember a quote from that move "The Crow"...It can't rain all the time. Much love!!

  3. Jen, please continue to post. I enjoy reading your blog daily and I think that you are an inspiration to anyone struggling in maintenance. You are demonstrating that maintaining is hard for everyone and that sometimes you do get discourage but always pick yourself back up again which i know you will do.

  4. Jen
    You are always an inspiration! I am saddened by hear you want to stop blogging......and I know where you are coming from though.....don't go down that hole.
    As you stated we all have shit.....and yes I am still having mine with small things adding to it daily.
    I too am struggling with the " fat just stop eating thing" . I am struggling emotionally daily to keep trying to hold on by my finger tips to keep from going down the hole.
    I think you and I are all or nothing types of people " addicts " being eating exercise or being happy or sad. As for myself I find it hard to balance anything. I will be thinking of you had not read the blog much lately due to my own shit I am Walling in.
    Hang in there WE can do this we have done much harder....WE both have men that love us through thick and thin.
    You have my email stay in contact
    Love to you,Gayle