F.E.A.R.

In AA they say that FEAR stands for 2 things: 

Fuck Everything And Run
Or
Face Everything And Recover

A couple short weeks ago I was like Fuck Everything.  I wanted to run away (no pun intended) - to give up.  I almost did – in fact, those thoughts have not left my mind entirely.

Since then I've been trying to climb out of this mindset.   But it hasn't been easy like I want it to be...

The Achilles has felt pretty good.  I've been biking and walking - so far this month I've walked 81 miles - this includes some short bursts of running I did last week with Archer.

I decided today would be a test - head out at lunch - run slow - see how it goes.  It seemed like a good idea last night when I was packing my duffle bag - the only way to know if I could run would be to try running, right?

And this morning - being fucking crazy like I am - fear and anxiety sets in.  What if it hurts?  What if I can't do it?  What if I FAIL??!!

Thus began the arguments in my head. The rational part of me said to just try it and if it hurt I would just walk.  What's the worst that could happen?  But I still felt FEAR.  I'm telling you guys - as nuts as this is, I had actual heart in throat anxiety as I got out my running gear and started to change.

I headed out the door - it was sunny, hot and humid.  I started to run and immediately felt some minor discomfort.  The drama queen part of me screamed "I KNEW it!  You have to stop!  You'll never run again!  This is horrible!"

But mentally I gathered myself, concentrated on slowing down, and kept going.  I never run without headphones but today I left them at the office – I wanted to be in tune with my body.   I challenged myself to make it a mile.  That mile took FOREVER.  Just as my watch beeped to let me know I was at that mile, I felt like I was getting into a groove and kept going.  It felt...weird.  You would think that I have been running long enough that it would just come back but I was concentrating so hard on my pace and feeling for pain, it was unnatural.

I made it 2 miles and was pretty content with this, but wondered if I could do 1 more.  About 2.75 in there was some pain, so I quit at 3.1 - 27:53 which is slow for me, but not terrible.  Although you know how it is - a part of me is disappointed in myself...

I iced when I got back while doing notes on the computer.  The Achilles feels fine, but we'll see how it reacts later tonight.

I think the bigger victory for today is not that I ran, but that I faced my fears and that I'm not giving up.  I know there are those of you out there which MUCH bigger challenges and obstacles.  Facing your fears - kicking the ass of self-doubt - not giving up and running away - making choices to face our issues and recover - that's the winner's circle.