I wish I could get on here today and say - "Hey, yesterday was just a bad day and I'm totally back on track!" But that would be a lie. I'm not.
My "Panera Partner" stopped in at work today and I told her that I don't know WHAT is going on, but the body is just CRAVING and DEMANDING to be fed. Which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the unhealthy, sugary carbs that it was demanding. And I've been giving in IN SPADES.
So this morning was another disaster. I won't go into details, but I'm sure you guys can guess. I did run at lunch and ate a very low cal and healthy lunch and I am feeling a TINY bit more in control. But again, this is COMPLETELY new territory to me.
When I decided on a lifestyle change in 2010, I just DID it. And of course, I have had days where I ate more then intended or ate the wrong things. But I have always been able to get myself back on track. This out of control, unable to rein myself in feeling? That is completely new to me.
September is Recovery Month and I was at a get together this morning. And, as often happens when I see people I know but I don't see them frequently, they comment on my appearance. So this one guy today was commenting that he didn't recognize me and how FABULOUS I look, and in my head I was SCREAMING "I'm a FRAUD! If you only knew! I'm a joke - I'm going to be fat again!!!"
I now have the weekend to catch my breath. I want to say that I've got this, but Thin Jen is being sat on by Fat Jen and she is a heavy weight. My confidence is SHOT.
I do want to say that your comments and e-mails mean the WORLD to me. I hesitated posting anything here because I also don't want to let anyone down. But I have always tried to be as honest as possible, and so I think I need to put myself out there - even if it means some of you are disappointed in me, or think less of me.
As I always tell you guys, it is NEVER too late. Every single minute brings a chance to make the right choices. I'm trying my best here....
I've been struggling too these last few days and if this can happen to you also then I don,t feel quite so bad. So thank you for sharing because I know where you are coming from.It's a cunning disease and it is always waiting in the background to try and trick us into letting it take over.It started with just eating a little more of something than I usually allow myself. Don't beat yourself up. As you say in your title it's a journey and not a destination.
ReplyDeleteI've been struggling too these last few days and if this can happen to you also then I don,t feel quite so bad. So thank you for sharing because I know where you are coming from.It's a cunning disease and it is always waiting in the background to try and trick us into letting it take over.It started with just eating a little more of something than I usually allow myself. Don't beat yourself up. As you say in your title it's a journey and not a destination.
ReplyDelete...Hi Jen...me again! I was the anon poster a while back telling you about how I've been eating 2,000 - 2,200 cals/day since feb and recommended gokaleo's website! I've been maintaining for 3 years at 128/130lbs in december and this year has been the easiest!! the first year was hell! I'd gotten down to 126lbs and started the binge/restrict cycle. I was eating 1,200 - 1,400 cals/day, exercising 40 minutes every day. finally I decided to screw it even if I didn't make it to my goal of 117lbs, and decided to eat what the internet would call 'maintenance' calories (around 1700 - 1800/day). I increased my training, became a runner and started training 2x/day at least 5 days/week with few rest days. This was last year. i did not loose ANY weight ...Again, I'd get the 'binges' (kinda like your 'fuckits' love the expression!), where I'd gobble down 4,000 calories in a day and still feel hungry!! the good news was my weight didn't change, the bad news was, my weight didn't change and i was always hungry!! once again i said screw it this past february and made the call to eat and i've been eating ever since, and you know what? i haven't had a binge in months and i eat when i'm hungry and sometimes i eat to indulge. somedays i eat 3000 calories, but the next day i'm not all that hungry and i may eat 1800. OH and the scale? It's anywhere around 128 to 130...my pants from three years ago are still the ones I wear!!
ReplyDeletei track and weigh everything as i still don't trust myself. that's me knowing that if i completely throw caution to the wind i'll be a fatso again. my logic for giving myself permission to eat 2,000 or 2,200 cals/day? This:
The American Heart Association has created general guidelines for women's daily caloric intake. Sedentary women ages 19 to 30 of average stature can consume 2,000 calories per day to maintain their weight. Women of the same age group who exercise moderately for one hour per day and do daily activity can consume between 2,000 and 2,200 calories per day. Women of the same age group who exercise vigorously for one hour or more per day can consume up to 2,400 daily calories. As you age, these calorie counts decrease. Women ages 31 through 50 should consume about 200 fewer calories per day. Women over age 50 should subtract 400 calories from these totals.
I'm Canadian by the way and that's what's also the general guideline. If normal women can eat that much (women who are not athletes), than so can I- so can you, and gosh darn it, if I gain five pounds because of it so be it. At least I won't be hungry anymore...and I'm NOT!
Little miss, you are an ATHLETE. You train like a crazy mofo- your body NEEDS the fuel. You know what to eat and how to eat. You're not an average woman who works a desk job and walks the dog for 30 minutes once a day. You're CRAZY FAST and HULK STRONG!! FEED YOURSELF. SO what if you gain 2 or 3 pounds in the process of rebalancing your metabolism, regaining your sanity and stopping your hunger? ....It ain't gonna get easier if you don't.
I'm one of your biggest fans. I check your blog daily. You'll get through this- you need to be more forgiving of yourself and give yourself permission. You've got this. Have some faith- look at what you've accomplished. Fat Jen won't be back.
Finally, here's some more food for though:
http://www.leighpeele.com/starvation-mode
remember- you're not typical and though you are formerly obese and may have hormonal issues that have affected your metabolism because of it, you're not the formal obese sedentary type either. You're an athlete and that too changes your hormonal profile.
Hang in there and eat a cheeseburger already lol
hugs from canada....
:)
Ditto what "Hugs from Canada" said. And I say that with much love and total understanding. Been there. Still there sometimes. I agree that you probably need to increase your daily calories and then you may feel less binge-y.
ReplyDeleteHugs from Ohio. =)
~Amanda