Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Fight the good fight.

This is where I am mentally this morning.  I have been fighting all week and am beginning to see some success.  The scale has dropped to a number that doesn't send me mentally off the deep end - still not where I'd love to see it, but manageable.  My eating has been in check - maybe too in check.  

In the P90X series, Tony Horton says "get your mind right" all the time.  That's where I am struggling.  Mentally I'm still not in the game.  It's like everything I have learned and accomplished has gone out the window.  

I am exercising like normal but restricting my calories probably too much and it has resulted in a couple of non-positive things.  I noticed a considerable dip in performance when doing weight lifting last night.  I feel tired and irritable.  Not smart and and not good.  I KNOW BETTER!!

And I - inexplicably - just feel fat.  I had a dream the other night that I was fat again and when I got up to pee, I was rubbing my stomach and expected to feel the large fat stomach I used to have and was actually surprised that it was not there.

So why now?  Not sure.  I'm under a lot of stress right now at work which will culminate tomorrow and then I should be clear for a while starting next week.  Hopefully if my weight is back to my normal and the stress level is back to my normal my head will get back to my normal....  

I had to stop into Cici's Pizza for work related reasons today and the smell literally made me weak-kneed and light-headed.  Am I the most fucked up person ever??!!

1 comment:

  1. No Jen, you are not f&*$ed up! You are human. We all go through this stuff. I went to a local chocolate shop on Monday with a friend of ours who turned 90 years old that day. We took her there to pick out something for her birthday but the overwhelming delicious smell of chocolate nearly made my eyes water. I splurged a bit over the weekend, so I had already promised myself I would not indulge in anything this trip. I stayed strong, but I can tell you I wanted something sweet and chocolatey so bad!! That doesn't make me a bad person, or a f&%$ed up person...that just makes me human too.

    Don't beat yourself up. You are doing great but we all have "fat girl freak-out" moments that sneak up on us and make us feel bad about ourselves. Just know that you are not alone and you have some loyal readers out here rooting for you every step of the way.