A lot to process!

Today is a new day and I'm feeling a little bit better.  A good night's sleep, a hard morning workout and a satisfying and healthy lunch so far has helped.  The support that you guys have given me over the last couple of days has been unexpected, appreciated and much needed.

An loyal anonymous reader from Canada wrote a long reply to me yesterday.  I first want to thank her for that and I encourage everyone to read the comment because it is chock full of wonderful information.  I want to address some of what she said in this post as I have been processing and re-processing some of the stuff she talked about.

Ms. Canada wrote that the American Heart Association has certain guidelines of what a woman should eat to maintain their weight.

"Women of the same age group who exercise vigorously for one hour or more per day can consume up to 2,400 daily calories. As you age, these calorie counts decrease. Women ages 31 through 50 should consume about 200 fewer calories per day."

So that means that I could theoretically eat somewhere in the neighborhood of 2200 calories a day and maintain.  I typically eat 1700-1800.  

She also said this:

"Little miss, you are an ATHLETE. You train like a crazy mofo- your body NEEDS the fuel. You know what to eat and how to eat. You're not an average woman who works a desk job and walks the dog for 30 minutes once a day. You're CRAZY FAST and HULK STRONG!! FEED YOURSELF. SO what if you gain 2 or 3 pounds in the process of rebalancing your metabolism, regaining your sanity and stopping your hunger? ....It ain't gonna get easier if you don't."

I've talked at length about the DENIAL I had when I was fat.  Well, there continues to be a denial.  When Ms. Canada called me an athlete?  I was like "What is she, crazy?"  I would NEVER think to define myself as an athlete.  And then there's the 2-3 pound issue.  Ms. Canada, of course, is 100% right!  I know that intellectually.  Hell, NO ONE is going to notice me weighing 2-3 pounds more.  BUT then there's the irrational, emotional and insecure side of me.  

I fight ALL THE TIME to keep my weight at 119 or below.  Yet my body seems really happy to hang out at 122-ish.  I think I can maintain at that weight fairly easily.  BUT I set this goal of being no more then 119.  So whenever I think about letting myself stay at 120-125, the voice inside my head SCREAMS:

FAILURE!!  LOSER!  FAT COW!!  COWARD!!!

And I worry about it being a slippery slope.  So I give myself permission to be 122.  Then I find that "too hard" and decide I can allow myself to be 127.  Before I know it I'm back to 200+!!  I have been fortunate enough not to experience this, but I've seen many many "re-gainers" and I don't want to ever be that!!

I did realize something when thinking back on my recent vacation.  One of the reasons it was so enjoyable is that I WASN'T HUNGRY.  Ms. Canada let me know that she is maintaining at a weight where she is happy and healthy and she's not hungry!  I guess I never thought that this was possible.  

So, I have a lot to think about and process.  I won't attempt any major changes at least until I'm confident I have myself back under control.  Thanks for sticking by me everyone!

   Yeah, this....