Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Who am I?

This is weighing on mind - not in a bad way - but I'm feeling a little like I'm living in a parallel universe this week and I want to post about it.  I'm not sure that anything I ramble about today will make sense, because I'm not sure I can adequately express in writing what I'm feeling, but I'm going to try, so bear with me, please!

Over the last few days some things have happened that have kind of thrown me - again, they are not bad things at all, but they are throwing me  First off there have been two people here at work that have cited me specifically as their inspiration for losing weight.  Both times, these people did not say this to me personally, but rather while talking to other people and it got back to me.  

Then, since running the 1/2 marathon, I have had at least 3 people ask me for advice on running.  There have also been comments about how "fast" I am and wanting advice on how to improve their time.  Mind you, these are RUNNERS who are asking me these questions.

When I was in high school, if they had a category for "LEAST LIKELY TO RUN A HALF MARATHON" I might not have won, but I certainly would have been a finalist in that category.  (Incidentally in high school I was voted "Dirtiest mind" - that I owned and still do ;) )  So to have people asking ME for advice about running?  I honestly and truly can't wrap my head around this.  

I almost a phony.  What I mean by this is that I can't see the progress that I have made or the accomplishments that I've attained as that big of deal.  I really and truly don't and I can't get there mentally.  So when someone says that I am their inspiration, for me it's almost....scary?  Like I don't want them to use me as an inspiration because I'm NOT someone to be inspired by.  

Or when they ask me for advice or comment about how impressive my running is, it makes me uncomfortable.  You know what it's like?  It's as if I CHEATED on a test and got a 100.  So I guess I feel like I'm going to be CAUGHT - that everyone will soon realize the truth and feel betrayed and I will be humilitated.

Does this sound batshit crazy to everyone?  Because I haven't "cheated".  The weight loss is real, my running times are real, but I think because I have difficulty owning that this is really ME - that it's really my life now - that I think that it could all be snatched away in a minute.  That suddenly the clock strikes midnight and I turn into that fat, unfit, unhappy person again... I still see myself as that person at times, you know?  Not all the time but it's not all that rare, either.

I wonder if I will get to a place where I can accept that this is me - that it is a-ok that people look up to me, or even that it is healthy for them to use me as an inspiration.  That seems silly to me right now.  But eventually, I hope that I will see the new me as ME and not like I am living on borrowed time, in someone else's life, and that it can and will be taken away at a moment's notice!


  1. It sounds like your head hasn't caught up with the rest of you yet. How many years did you spend as a "fat, unfit, unhappy person" (your words)? Be patient with yourself. And believe what everyone else is saying, not the voice in your head that says you are a fraud. Clearly, you are not. You just don't believe it yet. You will. =)


  2. I so know what you are saying .I did the same thing the last time I was close to this weight.And now I am here again I feel like an imposter. I run 12 miles and my husband compliments me and is like all over how impresses ( me I like it really wasn't 't that hard..and it wasn't) But yeah will I wake up and it's all gone?

  3. OMG Gayle, I so appreicate that someone else feels this way!!

    And Amanda, I think that you are right - but that voice in me head is pretty persistent!!


  4. You are not an are an inspiration. What you have accomplished is mind boggling! And no one can take it away from you but you.

  5. I'm just a mid-pack runner, and I've felt this way in all 5 HMs that I've done. I haven't gone through any major life transformations like you have; I took up running around age 45 after a lifetime of reasonably-active-but-not-athletic. Every time I'm standing at the start of a race, I feel like such a phony. What do I think I'm doing out here with all of these "real" runners?? But then I get going, and I realize that I'm just as "real" as every other person there. I trained and worked and earned my place there. So have you!

  6. Thanks guys! Some day my head might catch up?