I got into an argument with my friend/co-worker yesterday. I have a client, you see, who has a girlfriend who is a bit of a health nut. She is extremely fit and attractive. She is 5' tall - just an inch shorter then me and she weighs around 100 pounds.
So this is what happens to me - I'll be cruising along, pretty happy with where I'm at and then I see someone like this. And I start calculating in my head. My weight has been up this week a little after this weekend's indulgences and I weighed in at 120 pounds yesterday morning. So I start thinking that she weighs 100 pounds - I am 20 freaking pounds heavier then her!
And that voice - that damned voice in my head - starts saying this "OMG - you weigh 20 pounds more then her! You are still so fucking fat! What the hell? You need to lose weight and NOW!"
I told my friend this and she got really mad at me. Neither of us know the background on this girl, but looking at her, she is really small framed and I'm betting that she always has been pretty trim - not taking anything away from her, because it's obvious that she works out and works hard on her body. But my friend is like "What is wrong with you? She's probably always been fit and that's where her body wants to be! Your body likes being around 120 - can't you just accept that?"
No, no I can't.
Will I ever get to the point where I just accept myself? I honestly don't know. My friend asked me what more I could do and pointed out all the sacrifices I have made and how healthy I eat. My response was "I do eat really well most of the time, but I clearly need to eat less of that healthy food!!" She was so frustrated at this point I thought she might storm out of my office.
So, where does this leave me? I don't know, but the voice that tells me that I suck is pretty strong this morning. And then I see this:
And you know, I have made a lot of sacrifices in this journey - and I guess it's something to be proud of. Today there is a big pizza party here at work - I will be running during the party and will come back and eat the healthy lunch I have packed. Will that drown the voice? Would getting down to 110 pounds drown the voice? And is it healthy to strive for that?
Well, I have absolutely no right to feel this way, since I'm not you, and we all have our own demons. However, I'm so heavy, and have so much to lose, that this "problem" seems almost trivial to me. But again - it's NOT trivial, it's what you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that kind of baffles me is this: why is it still about losing a certain amount of weight with your situation? I can understand that you don't want to gain (fat, that is), but you are at a healthy weight right now, and if you gain a bit or lose a bit, you are still at a healthy weight.
I feel that when I get to my "healthy" weight (whatever that is), it will be all about fitness-type goals, and not losing pounds anymore.
Hope I didn't offend - I really enjoy your blog.
First off, not offended at all. And trust me, when I was heavier and would see people complaining about needing to lose 3-4 pounds I would HATE them!! So I totally get it. This is not logical, it's an emotional/insecurity thing.
DeleteAnd I hope for you when you get to the weight you want to be, you are healthier in the head then I am ;)))
It's about wanting - NEEDING - to be PERFECT. Which, of course, will never happen!
Jen
Jen, You only have to look back at the pictures of yourself before you lost weight and since you have been maintaining your weight to understand why people find you inspiring. Not everyone is as strong-willed as you are, and that is an asset that has helped you achieve your goals. Don't overthink everything you do or what people say to you...just be happy and say "thank you".
ReplyDeleteEasier said then done, Aunt Karla, but I'm working on it!
DeleteI love you!
Jen
Jen, I've read your blog from the beginning and it has changed how I think about almost everything now! The other day, I caught myself saying, "I don't care how much I weigh after surgery, or what weight I maintain. If it is 200 pounds, but I can wear my size 9 jeans (or so my surgeon tell me I will), I don't care!"
ReplyDeleteAlthough you struggle with that mentality, YOU made me see that!
My best friend is 5'0" and weighs 110 pounds. But you look SO much smaller than her because you are all muscle and she has very, very little. You also look healthier than her, so you carry yourself well (in pics), and she does not.
You will eventually figure out what will work for you, and what doesn't! I know you can do it!
Chris
Chris, Thank you so, so much. It is gratifying to know that I've made a positive impact in someone's journey! And thanks for sharing that about your friend. I hope at some point I will.stop comparing myself to others and feeling so inferior.
DeleteI'm really NOT as crazy as I sound at times,but I try to be as raw and as real as I can here!
Jen
I like crazy! It works well for me! lol
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