Losing the faith

I’ve told you guys many times before that I don’t know why I lost weight when I did after so many failed attempts. I do know that once I got into the groove with my weight loss though, I gained tremendous confidence.

Previously, I knew for SURE that I COULD NOT lose weight. That being fat and unfit and dying an early death was inevitable. And then, a minor miracle happened and I suddenly had faith in myself.

I had set a goal - and I was certain I would achieve it. That’s not to say there weren’t dark moments. There were many frustrating times. I remember shortly after getting under 200 pounds, I stalled for a while. I was continuing to eat right and exercise, but I would step on the scale faithfully every morning and I SWEAR the scale said “FUCK YOU BITCH” instead of giving me a number.

But my persistence paid off and I began dropping. Then in 2012, after my surgery, my body was in such flux and healing and I couldn’t work out the way I had been and I was OH SO CLOSE but SO FAR AWAY from my goal. But I had complete and total faith in myself to stay the course and I knew I was going to hit my goal.

I realized today, that I have completely lost that faith in myself. I was getting dressed to run today and after squeezing myself into my running capris I stared in the mirror and saw the amount of fat hanging over the sides and how terrible I look, and I had this thought that I should just give up. I should start buying larger clothes and accept the inevitable slide that I have been taking.

Yeah, I know, call the WAMbulance!!

I have lost all faith in myself to get back on track. I know that studies have show that believing one CAN - for all sorts of things, not just weight loss - is closely linked with success. And the belief that one CAN’T becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I believe that I can’t do it, the more I sabotage myself. It’s a vicious cycle.

That Jen of the past that didn’t believe that she could lose weight - that she would be forever obese? At least she had an excuse. She had never experienced success, so her thinking it wasn’t possible, it was at least partially understandable.

But the person I am now, she doesn’t have that excuse. I’ve done it before - OF COURSE I can do it again. It’s a matter of setting my mind to it and DOING IT.

As we all know though, this is easier said then done. And it’s getting that time of year, when I’m CRAVING carbs and the LAST thing I want to do is work out. It’s dark and cold and all I want to do is get into my flannel PJ’s and curl up under a blanket and pretend that the real world doesn’t exist!

So tomorrow is December 1^st, I have to re-discover that faith in myself and my ability to get back on track.