I had a total revelation last night!! There I was laying in bed, crocheting and watching "Touch" when out of no where, a thought popped into my head and everything became clear.
- A surprising and previously unknown fact, esp. one made in a dramatic way.
I tell my addicted clients all the time that they MUST learn to have fun in sobriety or there will be no reason for them to be sober and they will end up either relapsing or having a clean and sober life but will be miserable.
And then I realized - Am I truly enjoying life? I mean, I have a good life, and I enjoy it, but could it be better? Damn right! Between constantly fighting my weight and placing rigid and inflexible demands on myself, I have narrowed my enjoyment of life. And, especially for me - who does not believe in any sort of afterlife - what the hell am I doing? What's the point of being thin and healthy if I don't enjoy the fruits of my labor?
How many more minutes of my life do I want to spend feeling guilty because I ate a piece of cake? How much more time do I want to spend hating myself because I missed a workout? I only have so many days left of this earth and why would I want to spend even one more second hating myself because the number on the scale is 3 pounds higher then it "should" be?
The answer my friends, is ZERO!!! So let me tell you what I am thinking. This is NOT going to be an excuse to fall back into old and unhealthy behaviors. I am still going to eat right and exercise. But my plan is to cut myself some slack! I am no longer going to obsess about the number on the scale or let it define me, or let it dictate my happiness! I am going to allow myself times of off plan eating without then berating myself and calling myself names. I am going to miss a workout at times - life and shit happen - and that is not going to mess me up mentally.
Those are my goals. And they start TODAY, right now. I am a good person with a lot to offer this world whether I weigh 115 or 150. And it's about time I started treating myself better. I can't help but wonder if my self-hatred is what made me fat in the first place?
Wish me luck, and how would you feel about joining me on this quest of self-acceptance and a fuller more meaningful life?