Friday, August 3, 2012

An adjustment period...

Soooooooo..... after hitting my goal weight on Saturday, it's been quite a week.  The thought of increasing my calories - which will need to happen in order for me to maintain instead of continuing to lose - has been really sending me off the deep end.  On Tuesday, I ordered from a vending machine here at work what I THOUGHT was a raspberry flavored coffee.  Turns out that it was a MOCHA coffee.  As soon as I tasted it, I knew it was extremely sweetened, but I drank it anyway.  Then I had a complete MELTDOWN because I didn't know how many calories I just injested.  I seriously threw myself into a total panic.  It was really weird to have this happen now.  I never had these moments when I was like 250 pounds.  I'm not totally sure what that was about.

And I'm doubting whether 119 should be my goal.  I'm wondering if I should lose a few more pounds.  I want someone to tell me what my PERFECT weight is.  Logically and rationally I know there is no such thing, but I am a very concrete person and that's what I'm looking for.  I think that I look pretty good now, and I feel good, but how do I know I wouldn't look and feel better at 115?

On the other side of this, is people like Marc, my mother, and my sister-in-law indicating their fear that I will lose too much weight.  I'm definitely not anywhere near that, in my opinion.  I have a doctor's appointment at the end of this month, and I'm going to ask his opinion, but again, it's not like he can tell me what exact weight to be.  Plus, my weight can fluctuate greatly from day to day - 4 pounds or so. 

It's going to take me a while to get this figured out in my head, so I beg everyone for their patience while I do this!!


  1. I would like to throw a cautionary word your way after reading this post. I used to have an eating disorder for 3 years, and some of the comments you made sounded eerily similar to the way I used to think. I just wanted to tell you that there is no perfect weight or perfect body. Even international super models can find 20 things "wrong" with the way they look. Happiness is not some number on a scale, and if you think to yourself, "I will/could be happier about myself if I weighed ___," then you will be setting yourself up for failure. It is human nature to critique and find flaws in ourselves, but happiness is something you find within yourself, not a goals someone can give you to reach.

    I would say don't get too caught up in little details. For instance, I read a post about how you felt really guilty after drinking a mocha coffee. I think you shouldn't worry about the rare times you do something like this. When you start making bad eating decisions on a regular basis and it starts to become a HABIT is when you should start worrying and getting hard on yourself. You should make healthy food choices because they make you feel good, not because you feel you have to. I don't know if you think this way, but changing the way I thought about what I was eating really helped me through the bad times.

    You look so amazing and your transformation is so inspirational! And I'm not just saying you look good compared to what you used to look like, I'm saying that if I had never seen your before pics and I saw a picture of you now I would still think you are a beautiful, healthy woman. I hope you find all the happiness in the world, I really do. Just remember that you cant set a date, number, or scale to when you will be happy.

    If you don't like anything I said in this comment or are offended, I apologize. I don't want to sound like I'm preaching or that I'm giving you cliche advice. I just wanted to tell you what helped me through my struggles in the case that they could help you as well!

  2. First let me say that I am not upset or offended! I appreciate your care and concern. fortunately, that post was made during a 1-2 day utter meltdown that came out of nowhere and the disappeared just as quickly.

    I have since gotten beyond this and I think I am finding balance.

    However, I will be going to the doctor's next week, and will be asking him his opinion on my "ideal" weight. He is a cool guy and I expect him to laugh at me.