Losing the faith

I’ve told you guys many times before that I don’t know why I lost weight when I did after so many failed attempts. I do know that once I got into the groove with my weight loss though, I gained tremendous confidence.

Previously, I knew for SURE that I COULD NOT lose weight. That being fat and unfit and dying an early death was inevitable. And then, a minor miracle happened and I suddenly had faith in myself.

I had set a goal - and I was certain I would achieve it. That’s not to say there weren’t dark moments. There were many frustrating times. I remember shortly after getting under 200 pounds, I stalled for a while. I was continuing to eat right and exercise, but I would step on the scale faithfully every morning and I SWEAR the scale said “FUCK YOU BITCH” instead of giving me a number.

But my persistence paid off and I began dropping. Then in 2012, after my surgery, my body was in such flux and healing and I couldn’t work out the way I had been and I was OH SO CLOSE but SO FAR AWAY from my goal. But I had complete and total faith in myself to stay the course and I knew I was going to hit my goal.

I realized today, that I have completely lost that faith in myself. I was getting dressed to run today and after squeezing myself into my running capris I stared in the mirror and saw the amount of fat hanging over the sides and how terrible I look, and I had this thought that I should just give up. I should start buying larger clothes and accept the inevitable slide that I have been taking.

Yeah, I know, call the WAMbulance!!

I have lost all faith in myself to get back on track. I know that studies have show that believing one CAN - for all sorts of things, not just weight loss - is closely linked with success. And the belief that one CAN’T becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I believe that I can’t do it, the more I sabotage myself. It’s a vicious cycle.

That Jen of the past that didn’t believe that she could lose weight - that she would be forever obese? At least she had an excuse. She had never experienced success, so her thinking it wasn’t possible, it was at least partially understandable.

But the person I am now, she doesn’t have that excuse. I’ve done it before - OF COURSE I can do it again. It’s a matter of setting my mind to it and DOING IT.

As we all know though, this is easier said then done. And it’s getting that time of year, when I’m CRAVING carbs and the LAST thing I want to do is work out. It’s dark and cold and all I want to do is get into my flannel PJ’s and curl up under a blanket and pretend that the real world doesn’t exist!

So tomorrow is December 1^st, I have to re-discover that faith in myself and my ability to get back on track.

Power

And…we have Christmas!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Yesterday, Marc and I ran the local “Turkey Trot” as we have for the last few years.  It was a little windy but incredibly mild for this area and there were a ton of runners – 598 to be exact!  Plus there were who the heck knows how many more walkers who did the shorter distance walk that they offer.

I came in 224 out of the 600 which is a bit of a blow to my overblown ego.  But going in, based on how I have been running, I knew I was going to be much slower than in the past, so it was no surprise.

We then went to Marc’s niece’s house and spent the day eating, eating, watching football, eating, talking, and then EATING.

I can’t believe that Christmas is 1 month away! 

Today I got up and ran with the dogs – running a 10K is not exactly the hardest thing in the world, but it ain’t the easiest either.  And running a 10K the day after a Thanksgiving feast??!!  I’m just glad everything stayed IN ifyaknowwhatImean!

We spent the rest of the day getting the holiday decorations up.  I have not been in the holiday spirit AT ALL this year, but a little Jim Brickman in the CD player and getting out all the decorations and fixing up the tree helped.

As we tackle this last month, I am far, far away from my goals.  So my plan is to attempt to figure out how I have gotten so far off track and what I can do to get back on in 2016. 

I am very unhappy with myself right now, but I’m avoiding a total meltdown.  I hope to have a positive and productive holiday season and then onwards and upwards in life and DOWNWARDS on the scale!!

What are you hoping to accomplish before Christmas??

Let’s talk turkey!

For those of you that have read this blog for a while, you have heard my rants on this before. I’m going to repeat myself here - it may be more beneficial for new people, but I suppose that we could all use it as a reminder.

I’ve heard people all week talk about the stress that comes with getting together with family over Thanksgiving. And no doubt it can be a stressful time. Many of us are going to see relatives and in-laws that we don’t see too often - some we don’t see for a reason!!

If you are in the midst of a weight loss journey, this holiday - which seems SO focused on food for most families - it can be extra pressure. So I’ll offer some words of wisdom here - take them or leave them. And certainly if you have anything to add, please feel free to comment!

First off, I recommend you have a PLAN! If you have lost some weight or gained some - people are going to notice. And you might get some comments and questions. What are you comfortable sharing with people? Do you want to keep it vague and say “I’ve been trying to eat healthier and exercise some.” OR do you want to brag it up? “I’ve lost 50 pounds and I work out 4 times per week!!” Either way you decide to go is great - but preparing and knowing what you’re going to say helps.

Now perhaps the most important decision to make is how you are going to eat tomorrow. Stay strictly on plan? Indulge a little? Eat whatever you want and not worry about it? Any of those choices is right. It’s YOUR body and YOUR choice.

Unfortunately, most families have at least one person that feels the need to comment and question your choices. You know whether you have that person in your family and you should prepare your response.

So when you great uncle loudly asks “Are you SURE you want to eat that piece of pie?” What will you say? “What I put in my body is none of your fucking business!” Is one way to respond - that would be more my style. Or you can tell him that you’ve decided to treat yourself today.

How about a well meaning mother-in-law who - if you decide NOT to have the piece of pie - tells you that you are looking “too thin” and that you need to eat more? What will you say to that? You can tell her that you and your doctor have discussed what a healthy weight is and that this is your goal.

There is no doubt that situations like this are hard. And I think that MANY of us deal with such shame and guilt surrounding our weight and eating that we feel that we don’t have the right to stand up for ourselves.

Well let me tell you - you don’t need to be ashamed - you don’t need to feel badly and you DON’T deserve to be treated like crap. So don’t allow it.

I hope that most of you reading this are lucky enough that you will be in a positive supportive environment and that you just are able to relax and enjoy the day. But if you know that you’ll face challenges, the best defense as they say is a good offense. Be prepared, be confident. OWN your choices as being right for YOU!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

It’s all relative…

You know how they say everything is relative? Boy that is certainly true. Facebook was kind enough to show me a photo I posted of myself 4 years ago today. I remember when we took that photo. We were taking a bunch of different photos for our annual holiday card. I thought I looked pretty damn good. I probably weighed about 175 pounds there.

Today when I saw it I was pretty horrified and embarrassed that I had posted it thinking that I looked good!

I was reflecting that this was 4 short years ago - even though it feels like a LIFETIME ago. So, I’m not doing too bad, right? Then I had to look through some pictures to send to someone concerning my running. And I ran across another photo - this one from 2013 - just 2 years ago. When I was running a lot and still carefully watching my eating.

Oh wow! Was my thought - I looked SO MUCH better then! How I have let myself go - how much fatter I have gotten since that pic was taken! I looked in the mirror and was just discouraged by my excess flab.

And so it goes. Today I ran 10K. In 57:48 - 4 years ago Jen would have been THRILLED to run that distance at that pace. 2 years ago Jen would LAUGH at that horrifically slow time. It’s all relative.

I don’t know if it’s my attempt at having a better attitude or the thyroid pills I am taking or the fact that we are having pretty sunny and warm weather for November here, but I feel more positive and generally better than I have felt all year. BUT - one thing that has unfortunately not changed? My eating.

I was hopeful that feeling better would equate with less appetite. But that is not true. This weekend I plowed through food with a gusto - and with Thanksgiving just a couple days away, I’m fucking myself - and not in a good way!!

I think that I’ve given up trying to lose weight before the end of the year. I think I need to try to take some pressure off by having the goal to maintain from now through December 31 and then, come January?

My goal is to make 2016 a MUCH MUCH better year all around than the grand suck hole that has been 2015. Looking forward, not looking back as we make our way through the holidays...

Are you actively trying to lose or maintain this holiday season?

Don’t say it!

There are RULES, people.  And one of my steadfast rules concerns a certain holiday.

I can’t say what that holiday is, because it’s not Thanksgiving evening yet. 

This is the holiday that shall not be named until that evening.  There is certain music associated with this holiday, and I quite enjoy listening to it – BUT NOT YET!!

Certain radio stations are playing this music.  And I have avoided hearing it – one more week to go!  And then I will drown myself  in this certain music, especially when it is sung by wonderful singers like Josh Groban and Michael Buble.

But I do have a favor to ask!  When you are shopping for this yet unnamed holiday – or anytime you shop, please remember to use this blog to go to Amazon and then shop as normal.  I will get affliate credit which helps to support the cost of this blog!

Simply hit the Amazon button to your upper right or click on this link below!

Thanks!

http://www.amazon.com/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&linkCode=ur2&tag=myweilosjo06d-20

For the love of (healthy) food!

It is no secret that I love food. And so do most Americans. However, we have become a nation addicted to highly processed unhealthy foods. The companies that produce these processed foods know exactly what they are doing. They know that the more they get people addicted to these foods the more people will eat their products leading to a sizeable profit.

We know some of the names of these substances having heard them in the news - like high fructose corn syrup - and we know they are bad for you. But did you know that some, like MSG (monosodium glutamate) is a preservative that deliberately inhibits the hormone Leptin, an appetite regulator??!! I mean that preservative’s PURPOSE is to keep you from feeling full so you’ll eat more!!!

It’s unreal.

When I was obese I ate a lot of processed foods, but I was lucky that both Marc and I grew up in families where meat and vegetables were served. So we didn’t live totally out of boxes, so to speak. But it was common for us to throw together some of those instant mashed potatoes rather than making potatoes from scratch. We worshipped at the alter of cheese and cream sauces and “instant” rather than making healthy items. And of course, there was always - ALWAYS - cheap and unhealthy desserts like Little Debbie and Chips Ahoy and Oreos. Don’t forget about my PREMIER drug of choice - MOUNTAIN DEW.

I could always rationalize that I ate my vegetables - usually boiling up corn and covering it with salt and butter. Or I’d make myself a nice big salad and then DROWN it in creamy Italian dressing.

Despite my struggles, that lifestyle is well in the past. Marc cook dinner together every night. That’s not to say that sometimes we aren’t “naughty” and eat more sugar than we should or make not so great choices. But, overall, we have eliminated those type of items from our diets.

That isn’t to say it came easy - like any addict, I resisted change. There was a part of me that really wanted to get healthy. But the part of me that was addicted to these shitty food screamed and cried and DEMANDED processed food. I clearly remember the summer of 2010 when I first started this journey - I had lost about 40 pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself when I ran into someone and we chatted for a short while. Or I should say that this person talked while eating a GIGANTIC bag of Doritos as I stared enviously at the bag and tried not to drool. I realized later that I had no idea what we had talked about because I was so enamored by that forbidden bag of deliciousness that I hadn’t heard a word he said.

That shows how powerful this industry is. I believe to have a real shot at weight loss success you have to cut these foods from your diet completely. Forget the debates about eggs and butter and red meat and cholesterol and good fats and unhealthy fats for a minute. The #1 enemy is NOT a cut of steak that you cook on the grill. It’s these miserable processed foods - including from fast food joints!

Here’s the good news. Your body CAN be retrained. When I first started out, raw carrots sat like a lump on my tongue - how the hell do people eat like this I wondered. The list of things I refused to eat was long - things like tomatoes and fish. The list of food I had never tried - never HEARD OF - was vast!

Now? I seriously LOVE a good salad - WITHOUT dressing! Baby carrots taste sweet to me and are a MUCH more satisfying crunch than potato chips ever were. Marc cooked us Salmon last week and it was DEVINE! I love tomatoes. Mixing baked acorn squash and fresh cranberries together is like a sweet dessert!

I’ve learned to get out of my box - I peruse the produce section looking for items I have never tried and try them. Some I LOVE and others maybe not so much. But coming up with new things to eat and new ways to cook is a welcome challenge. I am never going to be someone who loves cooking - I’m just not. But on the menu tonight is turkey chili - and I will be much happier cooking that and letting it simmer while Marc and I do our nightly workout than I would be pouring instant mashed potatoes out of a box and slurping them down slathered with butter.

For those of you that have embarked on a healthy journey, how about you? Have you found that your body has learned to love healthy foods? Are there things you eat now that you never did before? Please comment!!

With the confidence of a fool….

Of all the characteristics I find distasteful in other people, arrogance has to be at the top of the list. I ran across an article talking about confidence and how it differs from arrogance. Some things they talked about were that arrogant people desperately seek approval from others. They also need to “one up” other people and make other people feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about themselves.

This differs from confident people. Confident people make others feel good. They seek to lift others up by being positive and encouraging. While most confident people appreciate compliments, they don’t need other people’s approval.

With this in my mind, I’ve been trying to observe people in my world who I perceive as confident or arrogant and listen to what they say and how they react to other people. And I noticed that when someone is confident, accepting compliments and being themselves DOESN’T come across as arrogant at all.

I know who I want to be. I don’t believe that I am arrogant. But I’m not exactly confident either.

So my attempt at evolution continues. In my new spirit of doing my best and realizing that everyone has flaws and just trying to be positive, I am going to pretend to be confident.

Yesterday I ran at lunch. My legs were a little tired and I was going slow. As I passed a parking lot, someone had pulled across the sidewalk and when they saw me heading towards them, they hurriedly threw their truck into reverse to clear the path for me. I looked over to give a wave and saw 2 women in the truck - both maybe in their early 30's - who gave me a thumbs up and clapped as I passed in front of them.

In the past I might have thought that they were making fun of me. But I immediately forced myself to think that I’m pretty awesome - here I am out running on my lunch hour and I bet they appreciated that.

Last night I was looking at myself in the mirror and saw how bright red my freshly dyed hair is. I know some people hate it. But I think it looks pretty outrageous and cool. I love it.

When I went to bed last night I celebrated the fact that I ate really healthy yesterday. That’s something I should be proud of.

I got up this morning, put on my dress and thought - geez, I look pretty good. I avoiding looking for fat rolls and flaws. Instead I looked at my overall picture. Despite everything, I’m NOT a disaster.

Exercise some, eat well most of the time, love yourself and your life. Make changes if you need to. That’s what it’s about, right?

Ok with not ok?

I know that not everyone here reads the comments that people sometimes send me on my posts.  I received a comment last night from an anonymous reader who linked to 2 different articles suggesting I might find value in reading them.

First off, to anonymous – THANK YOU.  These were wonderful reads and really have given me something to think about.

I think everyone would find a lot of important information and so I share the links here:

http://www.precisionnutrition.com/that-fit-person-whos-got-it-all-together-doesn’tdoesnt\

http://www.precisionnutrition.com/cost-of-getting-lean

If you read these articles, you’ll see that one talks about how truly difficult – on the verge of impossible – it is for the average person to get into incredibly lean shape.  If talks about the amount of sacrifice you have to implement to become a super lean, fit person.

The other article talks about how many of us compare ourselves to others and think they completely have their shit together when 99% really DON’T.  Their lives are messy and imperfect.

The message in the both the articles seems to be that with reasonable adjustments to our lifestyles, we can look pretty darn good and be pretty darn healthy and that should be good enough.

One quote stood out to me talking about what it takes to be in super-shape:

“You eat out of Tupperware. You measure everything that goes into your mouth. Your entire routine revolves around eating (or not eating), working out, and sleeping so you have enough energy to work out again.”

That sounds familiar….and tiresome.

Is  normal and  healthy for a 43 year old woman like me to be working out 3 hours a day?  To think about food all. the. time.? 

These articles seem to say – NOPE.  But with my all or nothing thinking, I seem to believe that I can fall into 2 categories – 2 categories ONLY:  EITHER I am a disgusting fat cow, OR I wear a size 0-2 and run 35-40 miles per week and never eat off plan.

Even as I read these articles I find myself agreeing with the points made.  AND YET – I can’t quite get there mentally!  How do I do that?  How do I be okay with just being “GOOD ENOUGH” as one of the articles talks about?

Ok, I’m going to go take the dogs for a run and think about some things….

Et tu?

I was talking to a young, really fit guy today.  He and I have had conversations in the past about working out and running and eating right, etc. He usually exercises in the morning and I’ve admired his dedication.

I’ve seen him eat his lunch before and it always seems to be really healthy things like sweet potato with lean chicken.  And I’ve never seen him indulge in the “goodies” that float about.  

Because I am the drama queen that you all know and love, I always assume that it is SO HARD for me, but SO EASY for everyone else. I especially assume this about young men like him that it always seems can eat endless amounts of food and not gain an ounce.

He was telling me the difficulties in working out outside starting this time of year when the sun comes up so late and it is so cold in the mornings. 

He further went on to talk about how at one point he was really dedicated to running and was taking supplements to build muscle and was very concerned about his fitness and appearance. I was unaware of this, but he also has a bad family history when it comes to heart issues and his cholesterol is apparently quite elevated. He told me after one doctor’s appointment he was determined to get his cholesterol down and for 3 months religiously worked out and did not waiver from a healthy diet AT ALL.

He went back and got his cholesterol tested and guess what? NO CHANGE!! He talked about how incredibly discouraging and frustrating that was - and I sure the hell could identify with that!!

He said that he has come to a place now where he’s not into the supplements any more. He said that he knows that he will gain weight during the winter months and have to work to lose it in the spring. He said that he started to realize that he needs to enjoy life - what is the point of being healthy and extending your life if you don’t enjoy it?  So, he said that he is going to eat a cookie once and a while and have that piece of pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving and enjoy it without stressing over making a “bad choice”. Once again - here he was singing my song.

As you guys know, this is exactly where I’m trying to get to, mentally.   It really is a struggle, though.  For example, yesterday Marc had to take his father to get some blood drawn and I decided to take the boys out for a short run. We ended up running 5 miles. Later in the day Marc and I decided to go hiking and got in another 7 miles. And despite my complete inability to cook, I tried making a homemade vegetable soup - without a recipe!! (Don’t laugh - that is a pretty big deal for me!) I was pretty happy with my choices that day and told myself that I am doing okay.

Of course, after feeling that last night, I then get up this morning and get dressed for work and look in mirror and am so dismayed with how horrible I look. It really is a never ending battle it seems....but maybe one day, I will just be okay with me…maybe?

Bottle it up, please!

Wow! You can’t buy these type of days! I told you guys that I am trying to take things one day at a time, right?

Today was a busy morning and before I knew it, lunch time was here. It was a cool and beautifully bright sunny day. Marc and I had taken the dogs to a local trail and ran with them yesterday. I normally don’t run 3 days in a row, but with it being such a beautiful day and the weather forecast saying that the rest of the week is going to be miserable, I knew I should get out and run.

Sometimes I take my first few steps and know that the whole run is going to suck - that every 1/4 mile is going to be a fight. And then sometimes a little miracle happens. Sometimes I take my first few steps and it’s like the mythical Hermes, it feels like I have little wings attached to my feet.

Today was one of those days.

I felt strong and calm and then I passed the local pizza shop. I always pass there, and inevitably I feel jealous of the people sitting in there, eating their huge pieces of pizza and watching me run by. Sometimes I try to tell myself that I am superior to them to make myself feel better.

Today was different. Today I looked in at them and I wasn’t even a bit jealous. I thought about when I used to go out to lunch. It would consist of sucking down a couple pieces of pizza. Or I would go to TGI Fridays and have their all you can eat lunch where I would eat a few bowls of broccoli cheddar soup and about 1 billion breadsticks. And I would return to work feeling heavy and tired. I would be sluggish all afternoon - half in a carb-induced food coma, and I would just count the minutes until I could go home.

I realized that - weight aside - it was not pleasant. I thought about how I feel now when I get back to work after running or another exercise. I sit at my desk eating my healthy lunch while returning phone calls and doing paperwork and am I energized instead of lethargic. I am way more productive and in better spirits now than when I used to eat fast food during lunch.

I had been planning on running 3-4 miles. But I felt so good I just kept going and I got in 6 miles. I wasn’t proud of myself and I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I just felt good. I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I’m a hell of lot better than that girl of the past.

Tomorrow, well we all know how that goes. Tomorrow I could fall into a vat of self-pity and loathing. But JUST FOR TODAY I will relish how I feel.

Dereliction of duties…

I haven’t been posting nearly as much as in the past.  I guess that’s because I really don’t have anything useful to share.

I am doing reasonably well in my attempt to stay positive and calm.

I would like to say that this translates into sticking perfectly to plan eating wise, but it hasn’t been the case.  I just cannot hold it together for more than a couple of days without deviating.

And with the temptations + stress of the holidays hurtling towards us, I don’t anticipate it getting better.

So taking it one day at a time is what I am trying to do. 

Today that meant getting out in the cold and sun this morning and running a 10K with the dogs.  I have really grown to love running with them.  Just a short couple of years ago, each run was an attempt to push myself HARDER and HARDER.  To break time records or distance records or something similar.

Now to just take it easy, enjoy a slower pace and the scenery and listening not just to my body, but theirs – it has become a bit of medicine for the soul.

And then I read an article yesterday on Molly Simms.  Do you guys know who she is?  I know her from the tv show of a few years ago Las Vegas,

I didn’t realize that before doing that she was a supermodel.  She talked about the demands of being a supermodel and always being told she was too fat.  How she would go DAYS without eating and walk 14 miles a day to exhaustion to fit into an outfit she would wear on the runway.

And she admits that she is much happier now that she is living a more normal life (and she is amazingly gorgeous), but there are still times when she looks back on old photos of herself and wishes she looked like that again. 

I suppose most of me KNOWS that those runway models have to obsess and that their bodies aren’t “normal”, but there are times when I look at magazines of these impossibly gorgeous women and think how LUCKY they are and how it seems so EASY for them. 

It’s refreshing to hear someone talk about how hard it is and how it is not realistic for the average woman.  And certainly not for a BELOW average woman like me

Lead me not….

Today I returned to work with the steely resolve to do better - to stay on plan - as much as I possibly can - especially leading into Thanksgiving and then the month of December - which is the month from hell and heaven for a fat girl!

I was busy for the first part of the morning and about 10AM I went back to a common area to refill my water bottle. And there is sat. Like a demon sent from hell to taunt me. Yes, it was [insert screaming] a box full of DUNKIN’ DONUTS.

Well FUCK ME!

I had 2 simultaneous fantasies.

Fantasy #1: This is the fantasy I really wanted to happen. That fantasy was that I took 4 of those donuts back to my desk and enjoyed the HELL out of eating them. AND not only did I not feel even a BIT of guilt, but through my superior metabolism, I ate those donuts and they had absolutely ZERO EFFECT on my weight. I simply did 10 jumping jacks and those calories burned right off!

Yeah, right. Well we all know THAT fantasy didn’t happen.

Fantasy #2: I had NO DESIRE to even look in the box. You see, I really am not tempted by donuts. No, I am a fit and healthy woman who LOVES salads and lean meats, and since I know that these donuts are horrible for my body, the thought of eating one actually made me feel ill. So I filled my water and carried on with my day as happy as can be.

Yeah, right. We also know THAT fantasy didn’t happen, either.

No instead it played out like this: I peeked in the box. I saw that there were 2 Boston Creme donuts in there. MY FAVORITE. I stared longingly and wished I could have one. Then I went back to my office where I obsessed about the donuts in the other room.

I’m pretty sure I heard one of them somehow access the PA system - “Jen, come EAT ME. I am SOOOO good! You can run at lunch and work me off! I’m just sitting here, waiting for you!” I think that was real...

And so throughout the morning I had to refill my water a couple of times. I went back once and an attorney was scarfing down one the Boston Cremes. That FUCKER! I then had another small fantasy of kicking him repeatedly in the head.

Each time I went back, I had to check on the donut status. Each time I opened the box, donut smell came out, causing me to gain about 3/4 of a pound each time.

And then I went out and ran during lunch. And I told myself maybe, just maybe, I would be allowed to have ½ of a donut if I ran 3 miles - and when I got to 3, it became 4 and then 5.

Coming back in, I resolutely avoided that room and ate my healthy lunch. Until I had to fill my water. And son of a BITCH, there were still a couple of donuts left.

Like any sane person, I returned to my desk and while on hold for an important phone call, I checked the Dunkin website to see how many calories those fried, chocolate covered gremlins had.

300.

Sigh....

I’m home now, safely away from those donuts. I have to say that this never ending ritual of mind games in my head is either pathetic or funny or both. I guess it depends on the day.

November has arrived!

As a NYS employee, I am lucky enough to have a lot of paid holidays.  One of which is Election Day.  I almost always take a vacation day on Monday to make it a 4 day weekend.

So I’ve been spending this time off trying to get my head on straight, holding on to a positive frame of mind, and looking to salvage what has been a pretty rotten year for me mentally.

Old habits do die hard. Sunday, Marc and I chose a particularly hard yoga DVD to do together. Shortly into it, while doing downward dog, I looked at what was hanging off my belly in that position and started a mental rant about what a fat cow I am.

Rather than allow that to continue, which is my typical M.O., I actually said “STOP!” out loud. (And then faked a cough so Marc wouldn’t think I was losing it). I forced myself to concentrate on feeling my body in the sometimes unpleasant positions and told myself that my body was strong and I should celebrate what I am able to do that not everyone can.

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  Marc has been wanting to walk or ride our bikes along an old canal route in an area about 1.5 hours from us.  So we got around early.  Because Marc wasn’t sure that the path would be maintained enough for biking, we decide to walk some of it with the dogs and re-visit at another time if it was “bike worthy”.

Fall is proving to be warmer than normal, and it was about 55 degrees and partly sunny.  We leisurely walked the path.

 

We walked a total of 12 miles and I ALMOST didn’t think about whether that was “good enough” or how many calories I was burning.  Instead I enjoyed the day and talked with Marc and watched the dogs running around having a marvelous time.

At this point, I might be only faking it - I’m not sure that I believe it yet. Fake it til you make it, right?

Being positive is not in my nature. PLUS I have spent YEARS of my life hating my body and never feeling good enough. That isn’t going to change overnight.

You know how other weight loss sites tell you that you need to reward yourself for achieving goals?

Do you know that I didn’t ONCE while losing weight reward myself with ANYTHING. It’s not that I deprive myself of things or don’t buy presents for myself - that’s not true. But not once did I say for example - “Good job - you just lost 100 pounds - you should get a pedicure!” About 2 months after I achieved my goal of getting down to 119 pounds I bought new sheets and said that this was my goal present.

As someone who has studied psychology, I know that REWARDS work much better than PUNISHMENT. Unfortunately, I am the first to punish myself and I’m not good at rewarding myself.

I hope you guys reading are nice to yourselves. I hope you are rewarding yourself when you achieve a goal. I hope that you are appreciating the progress you are making!

So there are 2 months left in this year, and my goal doesn’t lie with a number or a skirt size right now.  My goal is to gain some mental stability to lead me into 2016 ready to take on the world!