MIA

So, I’ve been missing in action for a while.  After my post about the percentage of failures in maintaining weight loss, I dove head-long into a vat of self-pity and stayed there.

I was bound and determined to make it through that stressful week of planning and executing the graduation.  It went off almost perfectly.  But my stress level was so high that after it ended and I was cleaning up, I looked at the left-over cake and pizza and well, it wasn’t pretty!!

Armed with a extended clip of self-hatred we left for our annual vacation to the cabin in Western PA on Sunday.

I was so in my head and such a train wreck that I was miserable on the way down.  I was convinced that I was fat pathetic piece of shit and that all hope was lost.

We spent the week hiking in the crisp fall weather.  We walked miles.  We looked for places that we hadn’t been before and found a wildlife refuge in the area and walked the trails looking at birds and other wildlife.  The dogs – my wonderful boys – were SO good!!  They relished every minute. 

We wore them out and when we woke up one morning and the forecast was correct and it was DOWNPOURING – we left them in the cabin and hit a nearby mall where we spent the day shopping and hanging out.     

As the week ended, I FINALLY started to get out of my head a little bit.  You see, I recognize how absolutely RIDICULOUS I am.  Intellectually I get it.  But emotionally, I just can’t get there most of the time.

It was a long drive back and I tried to talk to myself about holding on to some inner peace.  To worry about eating right most of the time and exercising reasonably instead of obsessively until I am exhausted and starving.

I’d like to tell you I’m all better now.  That I get it.  That I will now lose the 25 pounds I want to lose and life will be a breeze.  But never bullshit a bullshitter, right guys?

I got up this morning and it was cold and windy.  I took the dogs out and we went on a slow 10K run – the first time Chakotay has run 10K straight!!  He did so great!  And then I ate a normal healthy lunch. 

I’m not making any promises here, but I’m going keep pushing forward….