Monday, August 5, 2013

Getting into a rhythm...

Is it possible?  Could I really be getting this?  Since I hit one year maintenance last week, I've been remarkably at peace over the last week.

I have managed to not obsess about calories.  I think I might have actually had 1 or 2 days where I didn't mentally try to calculate how many calories I had eaten that day.

After the 10K they had a pancake breakfast.  And I ate some chocolate chip pancakes.  Without then berating myself for it.  I felt almost....normal.

Then came yesterday.  I had planned to run.  However, because I had run so hard on Saturday, my achilles was killing me.  So I decided that even though I might be able to push through the pain and run, that this would be stupid and that I needed to rest it.  I'm not going to lie - there was some anxiety involved in this.  But, it was better then it usually is.

I am becoming optimistic that living a healthy lifestyle is becoming a routine reality for me.  I am seeing a glimmer of hope that I can just live my life as a real person that doesn't constantly obsess about food and exercise and calories.  The line between dedication and obsession is a fine one, I think.

Right now I feel that I am just riding a wave of calmness and inner peace and satisfaction.

How long can this last?  I don't know.  I wish I had the confidence that it is a permanent state of mind and body, but as soon as the scale spikes up for one reason or another, or I miss an exercise routine or it will probably drive me batshit again.  We'll see....

Oh, and I wanted to add something.  It is interesting how long the mind takes to catch up sometimes.  I was in Walmart yesterday.  And as I walked by an aisle, I heard a young woman talking to her boyfriend and I wasn't really listening but then heard the words "SO FAT!"  INSTANTLY, the old feelings of shame and anxiety came on, because they were clearly talking about me, right?  And then I was like"Oh, yeah" - I realized that no one would be talking about me using that phrase anymore.  

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