Is it possible? Could I really be getting this? Since I hit one year maintenance last week, I've been remarkably at peace over the last week.
I have managed to not obsess about calories. I think I might have actually had 1 or 2 days where I didn't mentally try to calculate how many calories I had eaten that day.
After the 10K they had a pancake breakfast. And I ate some chocolate chip pancakes. Without then berating myself for it. I felt almost....normal.
Then came yesterday. I had planned to run. However, because I had run so hard on Saturday, my achilles was killing me. So I decided that even though I might be able to push through the pain and run, that this would be stupid and that I needed to rest it. I'm not going to lie - there was some anxiety involved in this. But, it was better then it usually is.
I am becoming optimistic that living a healthy lifestyle is becoming a routine reality for me. I am seeing a glimmer of hope that I can just live my life as a real person that doesn't constantly obsess about food and exercise and calories. The line between dedication and obsession is a fine one, I think.
Right now I feel that I am just riding a wave of calmness and inner peace and satisfaction.
How long can this last? I don't know. I wish I had the confidence that it is a permanent state of mind and body, but as soon as the scale spikes up for one reason or another, or I miss an exercise routine or it will probably drive me batshit again. We'll see....
Oh, and I wanted to add something. It is interesting how long the mind takes to catch up sometimes. I was in Walmart yesterday. And as I walked by an aisle, I heard a young woman talking to her boyfriend and I wasn't really listening but then heard the words "SO FAT!" INSTANTLY, the old feelings of shame and anxiety came on, because they were clearly talking about me, right? And then I was like"Oh, yeah" - I realized that no one would be talking about me using that phrase anymore.
I have managed to not obsess about calories. I think I might have actually had 1 or 2 days where I didn't mentally try to calculate how many calories I had eaten that day.
After the 10K they had a pancake breakfast. And I ate some chocolate chip pancakes. Without then berating myself for it. I felt almost....normal.
Then came yesterday. I had planned to run. However, because I had run so hard on Saturday, my achilles was killing me. So I decided that even though I might be able to push through the pain and run, that this would be stupid and that I needed to rest it. I'm not going to lie - there was some anxiety involved in this. But, it was better then it usually is.
I am becoming optimistic that living a healthy lifestyle is becoming a routine reality for me. I am seeing a glimmer of hope that I can just live my life as a real person that doesn't constantly obsess about food and exercise and calories. The line between dedication and obsession is a fine one, I think.
Right now I feel that I am just riding a wave of calmness and inner peace and satisfaction.
How long can this last? I don't know. I wish I had the confidence that it is a permanent state of mind and body, but as soon as the scale spikes up for one reason or another, or I miss an exercise routine or it will probably drive me batshit again. We'll see....
Oh, and I wanted to add something. It is interesting how long the mind takes to catch up sometimes. I was in Walmart yesterday. And as I walked by an aisle, I heard a young woman talking to her boyfriend and I wasn't really listening but then heard the words "SO FAT!" INSTANTLY, the old feelings of shame and anxiety came on, because they were clearly talking about me, right? And then I was like"Oh, yeah" - I realized that no one would be talking about me using that phrase anymore.
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