Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Who am I?

As I was running today my mind was pretty full.  Not sure what made me so reflective, but now that I'm able to run without concentrating on, you know, not dying, I am a little on auto-pilot and it gives me a chance to clear my head.  It was a good thing because I was in a MISERABLE mood this morning.

Anyway, I was thinking that part of me still feels overweight.  I see the number on the scale and it doesn't always register that this is me - I weigh 117 pounds.  Then at times I feel the exact opposite.  I feel like I've always been this size and I can barely remember the days when I was obese.

It's very weird, I know.  I was then thinking this "Am I a person that was born to be fat and is just thin for now, or was I meant to be a thin person and I just spent too long being fat?"  Every day that I hop on the scale and see my weight where I want it, my confidence grows that I can do this forever.  I'm been maintaining for about 3 months.  But then I get scared when I read statistics of how many people gain the weight back.  I've ONLY been in maintenence 3 months!  I worry sometimes of slipping and keeping the slip going.  I don't want that to happen.

I feel good most days in my body - I still sometimes go to lift up my fat/skin when I'm in the shower and then remember that it's not there anymore.  I still am shocked some times how physically fit I've become and how things are not as hard as they used to be.  The disgusting hanging skin on my thighs and the scar that goes all the way around my body is a constant reminder of what I did to myself, and I still get down on myself because of it.  I try not to live with regrets, but some days are easier then others.

So who am I?  Sometimes we see what we need to see and I ran across this quote today:

That's what I did.  I didn't discover some magical potion that let me make major life changes and find the real me.  Instead I worked and worked and worked until I created who I want to be - and I'm still working on creating myself.

So to everyone out there - create yourself.  Destiny is what you make it.  We all have our challenges, but forget genetics, forget what you have going against you, forget who you were and concentrate on creating who you want to be.  The power lies within you, not within some magical and fictional place.  You're not a runner?  Start running.  You've always been fat?  Create a thin you!  You are unhappy with something?  Change it.  Embrace the challenge and the journey and get there. 


  1. I agree completely with your conclusions, and the mental struggle. Just being cogent that maintenance takes work, as does self image and so many other things in life, puts you ahead of the game.

    I haven't noticed you around 3FC lately and checked out the blog in hopes you were doing well. This makes my day that you're still maintaining and holding up okay!

    --- Taryl (Arctic Mama)

  2. Thanks for checking on me, Taryl! I have been so busy - if I only had about 3 more hours in a day, I could get my crap together!