Flexibility...

No, no not THAT kind of flexibility!  I'm talking about the flexibility that allows you to adapt and cope when things are not going exactly as planned.

I've always had a problem with this.  I am a total type A personality and am not flexible when it comes to things like a change of plans.  I really admire people that are the "go with the flow" type people and can quickly wrap their head around change and just go with it.  Since I've lost all this weight, I think I've become way more rigid, and I've made a commitment that this is an issue I'm going to work on!

Let me give you an example - on Wednesday I was very flattered to be asked to go out to lunch with my friend, Sue, as a VIP was coming up to meet with her about work related issues and she thought that I would have good input.  I had planned on doing a DVD workout at lunch that day.  So when I got to work, since it was going to be a business type lunch, I thought that I would take some time early, do the workout and then head to lunch.  But, I got too busy.  No problem, I thought, I will be back in time from lunch to go the workout before heading to the dietician appointment.

The lunch ended up starting later then planned and we got to talking and I got back way to late to do the workout before leaving for my appointment.  Rather then just taking it in stride I was filled with anxiety and regret because this meant that I would only do 1 workout that day instead of 2.  I did go home and lift weights, but I still felt guilty and uneasy.

This is related, I think, to obsessive-compulsive behavior and it is totally unhealthy.  I have very all or nothing thinking.  Either something is all good or it's terrible.  If I eat 1 cookie, I have destroyed everything that I have worked for and, in turn, it reflects that I am a terrible person.  Somehow my worth as a human has become tied to my weight.  My worth USED to be tied to my intelligence when I was fat.  Now it's tied to my weight.

I posted about this in a weight loss site that I am on (www.3fatchicks.com/forum) in a section for those of us who have lost weight and are now maintaining.  I was pretty relieved to know that I'm not the only one that has these feelings.  Interestingly enough, I don't project these feelings onto other people.  If other people slip up or don't follow the plan exactly, I'm still supportive of them and don't judge them.  But for myself?  Not so much.

I also realize that this is a self-esteem issue.  A lot of people see me as very confident and self-assured.  Let me tell you, it's all a front.  I look in the mirror DAILY and see a very unattractive woman who is not deserving of good things happening  in her life. 

When I was fat, I always assumed that IF I ever lost weight that it would solely be a physical transformation and that it would not effect me emotionally/mentally.  DAMN was I WRONG! 

So starting today, right this minute, I am going to start making a conscious effort to:

1) Value myself more

2) Be more flexible

3) Give myself allowances to make mistakes without then berating myself

4) Have more FUN in life

Who identifies with this and is in with me??