So now that I'm almost at goal, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I realized yesterday that I am really fit. Not only are my running times pretty damn decent for someone who has been running as short of a time I have, but between lifting weights and all the other workouts I do, I'm strong and just in good shape.
That led me to coulda, shoulda, woulda. What would my life have been like if I had made this decision to be thin and fit when I was in high school. Or even college. Or, FUCK, even 10 years ago??? I mean, I clearly have some athletic ability in me.
Which then leads to me to be REALLY super ANGRY at myself. I should not be 40 years old and making these discoveries. I feel like I have wasted the best years of my life being fat and unhealthy.
I intellectually know that every choice I've made has led me to where I am right now. And I think that I'm a pretty okay person. But still, it doesn't feel great to be full of regret.
I'm hoping that a little ways down the road that I can forgive myself and just enjoy where I'm at now. Better late then never, as they say. And life, well, it's pretty fucking good today. However, I'm not anywhere close to forgiving and accepting myself.
You dear girl... have the BEST part of your life in front of you... You'll be around for another 40 years OR MORE - and I know you'll make the most of those years - so PLEASE forgive yourself... and don't pressure yourself and fret over what you could or should have done... those days are gone and cannot be gotten back (believe an old lady!) So just enjoy your new body and your future life with your great husband and family!!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say something really profound about this but the best I can come up with is that you have always been a wonderful person and this has just improved things in your life from this point on. We all have regrets in our life but to dwell on that and not live for today will waste the time we have in the future. Love yourself and put the regrets behind you.
ReplyDeleteyup, been there, done that. I constantly wonder what my life would have been like if I had been fit and healthy in High school and college. I guess we'll never know the answer.
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