Monday, June 25, 2012

Things are different now...

I spent the last several days out of town with family.  Things are different now - being thin-ish.  I view things differently and I act different.  It was very noticeable spending time with people that I don't get to see nearly enough.  I'm more helpful.  Part of that is having more energy.  Another part is that I'm not worried that I'm constantly being judged.  I knew - KNEW - that before when I left a room people were talking about how heavy I was to one another.  It is a terrible feeling when you walk into a room and conversation stops and you know exactly what was being said.  This weekend was totally different.  I didn't have to worry about that.

I was more sociable with strangers.  Once again, that fear was gone that people would be judging me.  I went over and played volleyball with one of my cousins right next to where my other cousin was playing a frisbee game with a bunch of her teenage friends.  I wouldn't have done that before - to create in my head what the teenagers were thinking/saying about the fat girl playing volleyball - no freaking way!

That's not to say that the weekend was a complete success.  I still have difficulty moderating my food intake.  Even eating things that are good for me, I ate WAY too much.  And I am paying the price in spades today!  Severe acid indigestion and diarrhea.  Good times.  What I did realize is that because I so rarely allow myself ANY off plan eating, that when I do give myself permission, I go crazy.  It's like I have to cram a few months worth of treats into one or two days.  Not cool.  As I move closer to maintenance I'm going to have to learn to give myself treats once and a while so that I don't feel so deprived and feel like I have to stuff myself.

Ah well, as they say in AA it's an AFGO - Another Fucking Growth Opportunity. 

I am 100% back on plan today.  The scale is showing a HUGE gain, but most of that is from water retention.  It'll be later this week before I know the complete damage and continue to try to lose. 

Finally, congrats to my cousin Hayley for graduating high school!! 

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