Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Little tiny steps…

Well, I wanted a fresh start this week and - a whole days in, it feels like I have it. Yesterday was extremely busy at work. I slipped out the door for my lunch and ran. I was really sore for some reason. My foot is not completely normal - there still is some pain, but most it was my hamstrings that ACHED.

I am wondering if I pushed it really hard during the bike race on Saturday. I didn’t feel like I was riding really hard, but it was a little faster per mile than I normally ride and we didn’t stop once. Usually we’ll stop about every hour-ish for a break - and to stretch a little.

So I only went 5.5 miles, but I managed not to meltdown that I was “supposed to” run at least 6.

And then, another miracle. I wasn’t hungry. And I am always hungry. I surveyed my lunch and ate it - slowly. I know that some would suggest that if you’re not hungry, don’t eat, but the only thing I had eaten that day was a 100 calorie oatmeal pack, and I thought that if I didn’t eat I would end up being so hungry that I was plow my way through anything and everything when I got home.

As soon as I get home from work, I usually pick out what I’m going to wear the next day. Staring at my clothes I eyed this floral dress that I love. But it is a tighter one - and it has a dreaded zipper. I pulled it on and tried to zip it up, but the zipper kept getting caught. I figured it just wasn’t going to fit. I asked Marc if he could zip me up - you know, I love my husband and there are rare things that I don’t share with him - but I have to admit that it was terribly embarrassing to ask him to try to zip me up and admitting that I have gained so much weight, I wasn’t sure I could still wear it.

Marc fiddled around and determined that the zipper was stuck - not on my fat, shockingly, but in a imperfection in the zipper. With that remedied, it actually zipped up.. Ok, so it’s not like I lost weight and could fit into it, now, it’s just that I haven’t gained SO MUCH that a favored dress didn’t fit. So I took it as a victory anyway.

So all totaled yesterday I ate “off plan” once - I had a strawberry. ONE strawberry.

This morning - another test of will. It sounds so ridiculous to those people - like my co-worker - who don’t have to or choose to obsess about calories and weight and whether things “should” be eaten - but I believe that some of you will get what I’m talking about. A person came in to talk to us about a treatment center. And she brought... wait for it... BAGELS. A normal person would just either have a bagel or not. I, of course, wanted, a bagel. Not because I was hungry, but because it was a BAGEL.

I had already eaten breakfast. I didn’t have one. But when she left, she left the bagels there. My co-worker took a couple and left me with a couple. On a normal day, even if I didn’t eat one, they would CALL TO ME. Today? I put them in a bag and they have sat there waiting for me to take them home. No wrestling in my head or negotiating with myself about whether to have one.

So look, let’s be real. It hasn’t even been 2 full days. But in a one day at a time life, which mine needs to be - 1 day of better choices is a day I will take!!


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