Ending on a high note!

I remember the first of this month.  We were on vacation, Marc and I and our boys took a long hike.  Life was grand!

Then we got home.  I faced the scale and have been stuck at a horrible number all month long.  Archer got sick.  Physical therapy is going pretty well, but I lost desire to run.  I've been feeling BLAH and have just wanted this month to END.

I wasn't aware that Mr. October is a sensitive fellow and he couldn't bear leaving with us on bad terms.  So he decided to step up his game.

First he had a talk with the scale and worked out a compromise.  I was 126.3 this morning.  Certainly not where I want to be, but headed in the right direction.

Over the last day or so Archer's ear has seemed better.  Instead of a thick river of yellowish green goo gushing out, it has been a bloody pink trickle.  The vet visit this morning confirmed that he is healing well.  I was hoping he would be completely better by now, but like the scale we're headed in the right direction.

And then today I went for a run.  There was no arguing with myself or insisting that I HAD TO run because I'm so fat.  It was simply a "I think I'll run a few miles.". And so I ran 3 - and then I felt like continuing so I ran 3 more.  And I felt great even though it was cold and cloudy.

So I'm pretty happy to be ushering October out on a high note!  And I hope Mr. October lets Miss November know that I deserve to be treated right!!!

Chasing Happiness…

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who is generally unhappy with her life right now.  She is desperate for something to change, but she has felt this way for months and she still feels this way.

In AA they use the phrase "If nothing changes, nothing changes". In that spirit I asked her how much longer she plans on being unhappy.  She told me that was a question she couldn't answer.

I think that she is waiting for miracle - a magic fairy to come make everything better.

Boy do I know that wishful thinking.  I spent year after year being miserable and fat, WISHING something would change, but not doing a fucking thing about it except getting fatter and fatter.

I feel a little stuck like that right now.  I want to be happy.  But, if I'm being honest, I don't want to work right now for the happiness I seek - being thin.  I want the magic fairy to sprinkle thin dust on me while I sit on my ass and eat whatever I want.

Yesterday I went into a meeting and there were cupcakes.  FUCK ME!

As I tried desperately to avoid eye contact with those liberally frosted bastards, my friend Sue tried to pass them down - "Jen wants one" she said.

"No, Jen wants THREE!"  I said " But her fat ass isn't getting ANY". And people laughed.

Later in the day I was happy that I hadn't eaten one, but in that moment I would have been really happy to chow down!

So I'm trying to find that balance, still.  Living a full life, being a normal weight, short term gratification versus long term happy.  It ain't easy, folks - at least not for me 2.5 years into maintenance...

Making mistakes...

Tears…

I woke up this morning to - you guessed it - GREY skies.  I felt - in the spirit of the season - like a zombie.  Standing on the scale, cleaning Archer's ear out, squeezing my huge ass into my skirt.

I had a productive morning at work, but late in the morning I found out that my mother's cat, Toes, made his trip to the Rainbow Bridge this morning.  Toes started his life as a fragile abandoned kitten.  But my mother and her boyfriend took him in and he spent the last 16 years as a adored member of the family.

16 great years is a wonderful life for a cat, but it is still tremendously sad to lose a loved one.  And out of nowhere I burst into tears.  The tears of sadness for my mother and her boyfriend - of course.  But also I think my worry about Archer, and my weight gain, and the GREY - they all came together in that moment.

I pulled myself together quickly, fortunately, and suddenly NEEDED to run.  I changed my clothes and looked out the window, and - like a beautifully wrapped gift - the clouds were breaking apart and bright, glorious sunshine appeared.

If you are a runner, you know that many times you can tell how the run will be right away.  From practically the first step I knew I was going to have a great run.  And I did.  My best run in what feels like - and may in fact be - MONTHS.

My pace was SLOW. But I didn't care.  I ran with no demands or expectations.  I ran because it felt great to run.

I thought about life and Toes and the future.  And then I thought about nothing.  At 3.5 miles in, my MP3 player picked "Kathy's Song" by Simon and Garfunkel.  Not a traditional running song, but I came to a hill just then and felt like I was gliding up it.

My Achilles and hamstring both hurt some.  But mentally?  What a sweet and unexpected relief.  When I got back and was in the bathroom changing, I felt tears in my eyes again - this time of happiness.

I hope that this is yet another new start - a time of healing.

And I hope Toes is greeting old friends at the Bridge....

Spinning my wheels….

My plan this weekend was to spin my wheels literally.  I wanted to take the bike out on a nice long ride.  Instead I feel like I’m spinning figuratively – and going nowhere.

The entire weekend has brought the same thing ALL. DAY. LONG.

Mid 40’s, GREY CLOUDS and vacillating between raining, spitting or looking like it’s going to rain.  And, oh yeah – a heavy dose of wind.

I could have ridden, of course.  But I’m trying to do things that involve exercising because I like it and to keep fit instead of as a punishment.  And riding in spitting rain and wind didn’t cut it.

My eating yesterday was off the charts terrible.  And I didn’t give a fuck.  I started to continue that trend today mentally, but fortunately I dug out this healthy recipe I’ve been wanting to try.  With food in the crockpot awaiting us, I feel less tempted to go off the rails.

Archer’s ear is still horrible and cleaning it out 4 times a day while he shakes and screeches in pain is a fucking NIGHTMARE.

I am treading water and trying to keep my head above.  I did manage a 6 mile power walk on the treadmill while watching the 2nd half of the Dolphins game, but the Jen that used to burn hundreds of calories running on a Sunday – she seems like a distant memory – or maybe even a figment of my imagination…

Washing the grey away…

I'm in a very weird place right now. 

I almost always wear a skirt or dress to work, but last night I pulled out one of my favorite pairs of pants that I haven't worn since spring.  They are pretty skin tight, so I stared at them this morning wondering if they would even zip up with my weight gain.

Fortunately, they did, proving once again – I guess - that numbers on a scale aren't the whole story.

I went to physical therapy and after the treatment she actually put me through a pretty vigorous routine, including box jumps, grapevines and balancing squats on a Bosu ball.

Even though it was a gorgeous day for fall - sunny and high 50's - I just could not bring myself to go out and run.  I have lost all motivation.

I walked in the sun instead and the many voices inside me staged a vicious debate to whether I am a lazy fat cow or whether it is okay to just take a break.  I can't say who won.

I do know that I'm feeling a little like a spectator of my life and that I seem to have lost sight of the prize so to speak.

Towards the end of my walk I quieted the ruckus in my head and asked what my goal or goals are.  The resounding silence actually surprised me.

Maybe that means I'm lost or maybe I need to just be okay where I am for a while.  Is being a decent - although not ideal - weight okay?  Can I just be relatively active and fit and not SUPER RUNNER GIRL?

I am such an all or nothing person that I really struggle with that mentally.  I believe in pushing your limits and being the best you can be.  But I also am getting to the point of wanting just to be happy and healthy.  It seems like common sense, right? 

Appetite for Destruction…

Food cravings are a weird thing.  Last week I really wanted broccoli of all things.  I eat a ton of veggies and broccoli is a staple for me.  But must be something that broccoli has in it was missing from my diet because I just wanted a plateful.  Which I indulged in.

Unfortunately, my cravings are rarely for something healthy like that!

I crave sweets WAY more now then I did when I was fat.  At the time I would knock down a DOOR for things like bread covered in butter, but chocolate?  Nah.  I probably ate 2 candy bars a year.

But now I crave sweets a LOT.  It is difficult to manage sometimes.

This week though, I've had a bizarre craving - I want PROCESSED foods.

I literally have not eaten an Oreo cookie in probably 3 years.  But I could sit down and eat through a bag right now.

It's not even specifically the sweet taste I'm after - I am totally fantasizing about things like Little Debbie snacks and those terrible packaged cake things.  How weird is that?

The scale ignored my plea for mercy yesterday - I weighed in this morning at a dismal 127.1.  I keep reminding myself of that.  But Fat Jen doesn't give a flying fuck right now - she just wants some crap in her PLEASEANDTHAANKYOU!

She will, instead, get haddock and a pumpkin/sweet potato bisque for dinner tonight.

I hope that will shut her up!