Just a little change…

Here we are halfway through the month.  I can’t believe we have almost arrived at Christmas.  It will be here and gone before we know it.

In a lot of ways I feel completely and totally in control.  I have 1 gift for Marc that was shipped yesterday, but other then that, all my shopping is done, wrapped and organized. 

My house is pretty clean so there won’t be a lot to do before having everyone over for Xmas Eve.  Yesterday, I bought everything that won’t spoil that I’m going to make for Xmas and Xmas Eve.

Even with my exercise I’m okay.  After a very long day yesterday, I still got my ass downstairs and was running on the treadmill at 6:30 at night!

But then there’s my eating.  It’s the only thing I can’t get under control.  And while I’m okay not LOSING from now until January 1st.  I don’t want to gain a ton, either and that appears to be where I’m headed.  For a few days I’m great and then – well, not so much.

I am aching for a change.  My wonderfully beautiful and talented Aunt Karla posted a pic to Facebook of one of the rooms she decorated in her house for Xmas.  It is gorgeous – like something out of a magazine.  And my Uncle Kevin, who is slightly less beautiful, but just as talented (), commented that she should open her own decorating business.  And I jumped on that saying we could start a business together, because I LOVE decorating. 

I allowed myself for a moment to reflect on if I only had the courage to truly do something like that.  To pick up, move south and start a whole new adventure!!  I WISH I was that type of person.  Because I really feel like a need something different in my life.  Part of it is the weather – I keep telling myself that just another week, and we start getting more light.

Could I really be having a mid-life crisis?

So instead I made one little change – one thing that I had the courage to do that is no big whoop to most but to me?

Yes, I went red for the holidays!

Hey! I remember you!

This week Thin Jen made a valiant return to our lives.  She hadn't gone missing completely, of course, but she hasn't had the strong and much needed presence that I’ve been used to.

It has felt good to feel back in control.  Now, in reality, it's only been a few days, but knowing it's possible to be back on track is pretty relieving.  It is obviously about choices. 

This has been a pretty bland week without much to challenge my resolve.  And I know that I can and WILL be going off the rails several times before the month’s end.  But I am okay with that – my practicing.

I want to leave you with a video of Archer and my Hallmark Xmas decoration!

Open up and say ahhhh!

I almost had to eat my virtual words today.  Which would actually be fitting considering how I'm pretty much eating everything else in sight!!!

I said nothing would be unusual this week.  And then I woke up with a start at 2:20 this morning and the power went out.  So I waited and it flashed on and immediately back off.  Marc got up and confirmed that the lights were off all down our street.  So I set my phone to go off at the regular time and envisioned myself coming to work today without having showered and hair in a ponytail.

Fortunately, they restored it about 30 minutes before I had to get up.

I am starting to get into the Xmas spirit and dressed a little festively today and had Marc take my pic in front of the tree.  When he sent me the pics, I was pretty horrified at how terrible I look!

So I guess this serves as both my Xmas and my new "before" pic.  PLEASE let it be a before pic!!

My friend Jess told me today that she is considering that calories don't exist for the rest of this month.  Oh I so WISH that were true!!

BUT I want to end today's post on a couple positive notes - after running 6.40 miles yesterday at about an 8:35 per minute mile, I had almost ZERO pain last night or today.  And since we are expecting a huge storm starting tonight I decided to do another short run today.

I ran only 3 miles, but did it in 24 minutes exactly AND had no pain.  Whoop whoop!  I am feeling optimistic that I can be a real runner again.  Maybe not where I was, but at least my running career isn't over completely!

Marc is at the doctor's with his dad and will be home late.  The thought of pizza and stuffing myself sat in my mind for some time.  We deserve it!  But instead when he gets home there will be homemade tomato soup waiting for him and we'll make wraps with chicken and lots of veggies!

Practice, day 2, accomplished!!!

Dress rehearsal?

I have felt off kilter for a long time now.  From my injuries and physical therapy to being totally off track eating wise I just feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

So this morning I woke up and realized this should be a "normal" week.  I'm done with physical therapy, I am working a full week, and I have no parties or anything else planned that should derail me.

In theory, anyway!!

I was very busy at work this morning and looked out the window shortly before lunch to see filtered sun, very little wind and I was informed by the Weather Channel that the temperature was in the high 20's.

Fat Jen didn't have one of her many excuses to not run outside and we suited up and headed out.  For 6.5 miles.  My pace was slow and the weight I've gained was obvious with every step.  But I ran.  Mr. Achilles offered a little protest but I generally felt pretty good.

I could almost feel myself slowly returning to my new old normal.  Oh yeah - I remember what it's like to be a runner.  Oh yeah - I remember what's it's like to eat a healthy lunch!  Oh yeah - I remember what it's like to feel like a thin person.  Oh yeah - I don't have to throw myself a pity party today.

I can't promise you or myself that this mental reinvigoration will last.  But there is some research to show that when people practice healthy behaviors for some time without committing 100% to a lifestyle change they are more successful then people who suddenly decide to make the change all at once.

And I realized that's what I did in 2010.  I didn't set a deadline.  Instead I made some changes.  Like going from 1-2 Mountain Dews per day to 1-2 per week.  And from almost no exercise to walking a few times per week.

After some time "practicing" I made a full commitment and ended up 225 pounds lighter!

So December, you are a practice month!  And come January I will hopefully ready to be completely back to Thin Jen mode!!

Who wants to practice with me?

So….yeah.

Anyone been wondering where I have been?  Maybe not…

Thursday, the early December curse continued as we received some potentially bad health news about Marc’s dad.  We don’t know anything yet, so I’ll wait before entering drama mode.

Friday dawned and I had been asked to be a speaker for a group of professionals.  That, fortunately went off without a hitch.  I was able to spend a minute reflecting on the difference between speaking in front of a large group now versus when I was fat.  I always have been pretty good at and comfortable at public speaking, but there is even less pressure now that I don’t worry about being judged.

Friday night brought me to a housewarming party.  And stuffing myself silly.  I really am baffled why I can’t get back on track, eating wise.

Yesterday, though, I was determined to make some progress.  So first thing in the morning I was outside with the dogs and we did walk/run intervals.  Chakotay started off strong but was lagging some by the end, but in total we ran 7 and walked 3.  Not too shabby.

And then it was time to concentrate on making dinner for my mother for her birthday.

I had decided to make a full turkey for my first time ever.  I got advise from various people and bought those Reynolds bags.  First off, I didn’t remove the giblets.  We noticed quite quickly, forturately, but had to take the turkey back out of the oven, unwrap it from the bag, and get the giblets out. 

As a reward for their hard exercise that morning, the boys got the giblets! 

Mom and her boyfriend, Lee, arrived and I was quite impressed with the way everything was coming out.  I thought my timing was perfect.

Until we cut into the turkey and it was still pink.

Back into the oven and waiting.  When it was ready, Marc began cutting and – something wasn’t quite right.

Lee gently shared that we were cutting into the back.

Yes, I had cooked the fucker upside down.

I was pretty upset at my screw up, but really, the only harm was no crispy skin.  Which isn’t that good for you anyway.  The turkey was moist and I had made some acorn squash that I stuffed with fresh cranberries and walnuts.  That was awesome.

So despite some folly, it was a good evening.  But seriously, people, could I be a bigger IDIOT?

Today is the anniversary of my head on car collision when I was 16.  So I will get through today and leave the curses behind me!

Making it through the rain…

I made it through yesterday with only some sadness and melancholy.  You would think 24 years later (!) it wouldn't hurt as much, but as anyone who has lost someone - especially suddenly - can attest, those feelings don’t fade.

I do feel with this milestone passed I'm on the path to a good season.

My Christmas shopping is almost done!  I have been eating extremely well, but a huge test comes tomorrow.  3 employees are retiring so we are having a big party for them.  With PIZZA and salad.

Did I mention there would be pizza?  And cupcakes.  And brownies.

Fuck me.

Lol.

Of course I can eat the salad and I don't have to eat dessert.  Yes, that's a choice I can and SHOULD make.

And then there's the part of me that throws the I shouldn't have to be deprived tantrum.  We'll see.

I had my last physical therapy appointment today.  My Achilles has actually been really good.  I'm not 100% pain free, but I feel like I’m made huge progress and the last week it’s felt great even after running.  They have submitted the request for the electrical stimulation unit to the insurance company which should be approved so I can continue that treatment at home.

So, so far a good start to the true holiday season.  Onwards and upwards!!

Last month of the year!!

Welcome to December!  For someone who has slight *cough* OCD, starting a new month on a Monday has a certain perfect symmetry to it.

December 1st brings mixed emotions to me.  It's my mother's birthday.  I'm having her over this weekend for dinner.  I'd tell you what I'm making, but she reads this and I want it to be a surprise!!  I did call her to wish her happy birthday!

On the other hand, this day is always marred by tomorrow's anniversary of my father's death.  And this date marks the day we sent my Rottweiler, Riker, to the Rainbow Bridge after a horrific battle with bone cancer.

I've felt anxious and restless all day today.  Usually working out helps but a tough core workout at noon hasn’t touched it.  Even putting on Christmas music hasn't done squat to ease my mind.

I just want to get through the next couple of days and then can hopefully get into the holiday season!!