Now you can shut up!!

If this doesn't shut the voice in my head up, I don't know what will!

Yes, this old girl has still got it!  It was a beautiful day out.  I realized something as I was running - many times the difficulty I have in my "long runs" is that I keep thinking about everything I have to do at home, which makes me run too fast and I burn out.

I got so much accomplished yesterday that I was able to just relax today and enjoy the absolutely ideal weather.  I focused on running slow and steady.  I was tired when I got back, but totally refreshed.

The rest of the day involved eating lunch outside on our deck and mulching the only flower bed I didn't get to yesterday.  A few more small projects and then a run into the grocery store and some more planting soil.

 I got back and the dogs were looking at me expectantly.  So I took them on a leisurely 4 mile stroll.  So 19 miles covered today - not too shabby!

 I end this weekend feeling renewed and rejuvenated, just what I needed.  With a camping vacation in sight I hope to hold onto this high!

You should be ashamed!

What a week this has been.  I've been out of my routine for a few days, and it's enough to drive me just about to the edge of sanity - for no good reason.

Yesterday as planned I took the day off so that we could go out to lunch for my birthday and I could have a 3 day weekend.  I also had what seemed like an endless list of errands to run.  We left early and shopped all day.  We got home late only to turn around and head in to watch the large parade they have every year at this time.

Given our typical  party animal lifestyle - NOT - we got home at what seemed very late.  It was actually only 9:30, but we were both exhausted.

We got up at our normal time today with intentions to work out and then I was going to get to work on the gardens.  But Marc's nephew called early offering his truck to get mulch for the gardens.  So Marc went with him and I started weeding the flower beds.  They returned and before I knew it it was time for lunch.

I ate quickly and it was back out to work.  I literally spent the next 5 hours digging, weeding, planting, shoveling and spreading mulch.   I got SO much done and the gardens look great.

 Here is one of the beds I worked on yesterday.



BUT....

I did no formal exercise.  So after dinner I went out and began weeding the veggie garden and planted some more seeds.  And the voice in my head was non-stop chatter of what a disgusting,  lazy, horrible person I am and how FAT I am going to be again.

The rational part of me realizes that doing physical labor - and I WORKED - for like 6 hours at least - is at least as valuable as "formal exercise".  Both in terms of fitness and calories burned.  And, another clue should be my body - I'm sitting here utterly worn out - in a good way.  My legs ache from bending and squatting and carrying.  And my arms and shoulders and shot from all the shoveling and spreading.

But that dreaded voice just won't be silenced.  I wonder if it ever will...

Guest Post - Amy's story.

 Jen's note:  I asked my cousin Amy to write about her journey - she is doing fan-freaking-tastic and I am so happy for her and so very proud of her!

 Hi there! My name is Amy and Jen asked me to write a guest blog about my weight loss.

I started gaining weight in middle school and have struggled with it ever since. I am currently 31 so for about 20 years.  In 2007 I got pregnant with my first son and tipped the scales at over 300lbs by the end of my pregnancy.  I wish I could say that was when I decided to make a change but it wasn’t because I dropped back down to around 270lbs after I had him.  I stayed at that weight for awhile. I always had some excuse as to why I couldn’t diet but my biggest excuse was what if I got pregnant again? I wouldn’t want to hurt the baby by not eating enough. Yes, I was deluding myself and it is pretty laughable now.  But I did get pregnant again in September of 2011.  I was ecstatic! Then we had a heartbreaking miscarriage in November 2011.  This sent me into a bad depression where I gained more weight.  Then we made the decision that we were okay not having more children so I decided to focus on myself and in March of 2012 when I weighed a whopping 285.1lbs I decided to make a change.  I lost 50lbs by September.  Then in October I found out I was pregnant with our second son. What a blessing!  I gained all of the 50lbs back with my pregnancy.  So I had to start over again but I did start over and that is no easy feat.

If you are like me and countless others you have tried so many different diets that you lost count.  Here is what made this time different for me.  I am doing this for me, not anyone else.  Of course my family benefits from it but first and foremost I am doing this for ME.  I am NOT on a diet.  I have changed my lifestyle.  I can never go back to eating the way I did before. Not ever!  Do I splurge occasionally? Of course, I am only human but I maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Are you going to fail sometimes? The answer is yes.  So do you know what you do?  You pick yourself up and start again the next day.  I exercise.  I found out that I love to run and finished my first 5k in May.  I surround myself with people who support me.  Social media is an awesome way to do that too.  You will be surprised at the amount of people who cheer you on and want to see you succeed.  Weight loss is hard. Changing your habits are hard but it is so worth it!

I began my final and most successful weight loss journey on July 8th, 2013.

Now here I am almost a year later 86lbs lighter and weighing in at 199.3lbs.   I have people asking me what I did to lose the weight and the real answer is I didn't quit.  I didn’t do anything that anyone else can’t do.  I still have some work to do but I will succeed and so can you!

A before pic...

 From a couple of days ago.  Doesn't she look spectacular??

Why me?

OK, so I think too much.  I know this.  But I started thinking about this yesterday after a pretty good birthday.

I talked to someone yesterday.  She is a WONDERFUL person.  Dedicated, generous, caring - an all around just good human being.

She is so good that she often gets taken advantage of. And she has never found a partner who has stuck by her.  She was talking about being exhausted and going through some emotional things and wishing that at the end of the day she could just come home and have someone to talk to - who she could lean on - to tell her everything was going to be okay.

My heart hurt for her.

So I went home and there was Marc.  He cooked a magnificent meal for me.  And as if that's weren't enough, he showered me with gifts.  I felt almost guilty.

Why me?  How did I get so lucky? I often say that I believe in karma.  And I try to be a mostly good person - although I fuck that up regularly.  But I see someone like this friend of mine and I know she doesn't deserve the shit she deals with on a daily basis.

I guess life is not fair. Sometimes bad people win and good people lose.  Sometimes we can't explain why things happen

Rather then asking myself why I am so lucky, maybe I need to just be grateful for this and continue to strive to do the right thing more times then not.

The scale was even kind to me this morning - giving me a lower number then I have seen in a while.  I haven't been perfect with eating and exercising, but I've been more good then bad.  And so, like life, we get our rewards most of the time.

Life is not completely rational or predictable - which is a blessing and a curse.

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeee!

Well, we've arrived at my 42nd birthday.  It's one I've been anticipating and dreading.  But when I awoke this morning, nothing had miraculously changed overnight.  In fact, it's been a pretty normal Tuesday!

Marc quietly leaned over after the alarm went off and wished me happy birthday.  My mother called as I was driving to work.  It was 7:38 AM - the exact time I was born.

The truth is that while I feel old at that number, my body is probably "younger" today then it was 20 years ago!  I certainly couldn't have ran 7 miles back then like I did today!

After running 7 miles - not sexy, but in shape!





I don't have much to complain about, either!  Marc is cooking me a "special" dinner - the contents a surprise - as I type this and my mother is taking me out to lunch tomorrow.  I also took Friday off so I can make it be about ME for several days instead of 1 lol!

The war that I sometimes get into with myself isn't over, unfortunately.  But the battles are starting to turn from full blown acts of war to small skirmishes.  I wasn't in love with the number I saw on the scale this morning but it didn't lead to a freak out, either.  If this is what I have to look forward to in my old age?  That's pretty okay!

Massage and a Mammo - 2 bits!

As I mentioned, for coming in 2nd at the 1/2 marathon, I won a 1/2 hour massage from a local salon. I went in for that on Friday.

I’ve never had a professional massage before. I should have known that they would start with me filling out a medical questionnaire. I had to list any places that were bothering me (I listed IT Bands) and also give my medical history.

I was glad, actually, to list this because I would have felt obligated to explain my scar to the woman at some point, but that was taken care of by me listing out that I had had the surgery. She questioned me about the surgery and I explained and she was quite shocked (as most people are) when I explained my weight loss and the need for surgery.

Some of the things about the massage I was expecting - the soft hippie music, the massage bed. She started me on my back. One thing I didn’t expect was that she would talk continuously the entire time. She talked about “relevant” things - like alignment and how to “self-release” when muscles tighten up. But she also talked about her cats and her friends and her husband. For someone like me who has a hard time relaxing, anyway, PLUS having a stranger’s hands all over me, the talking was a bit distracting.

The good news is that she really knew what she was doing. She really worked hard on my IT bands and hips. She worked my calves and feet as well. Much less time was spent on my back and shoulders.

I did not expect her to focus so much on my scar, either. But she talked at length about scar tissue and the importance of “breaking it up”. She told me that I need to press in and massage the scar regularly. I’ll be honest, I was skeptical. While on my stomach she pressed in and began massaging the scar right about my butt crack where it is the deepest scaring. It didn’t feel any different then her pressing into the “normal” skin. She made the comment that because I am so active, that maybe the scar doesn’t get the opportunity to “settle”. But as she moved around, suddenly it felt like tiny needles were jamming into me. Simultaneous she said “Oh that feels like a spot!” It was really strange.

I might try to massage the scar for a while and see if I notice any difference in the tightness that is still there.

So, I guess I would say that while I really enjoyed the massage while it was happening, I felt no difference that night or since then in how I feel. So I can’t see myself - especially being the cheapskate that I am - paying to have a massage in the future...

Then today I went for my first mammogram.  I was originally told I should have a baseline done at 40 and I managed to delay until 1 day before my 42nd birthday!

I have heard horrible stories about mammos - someone even told me that it is worse for flat chested chicks like me.  So I was a bit nervous headed in.  The nurse was so awesome and professional without being patronizing.

Now they do this stuff every day.  But it's a bit disconcerting to have a stranger just grabbing you tit and stretching it and getting it into place!  But there was no pain at all - NONE.  When she squished it down it wasn't even what I would describe as uncomfortable!  Maybe they have to squish you much harder if you've got large tatas, but for me, it was easy peasy.

So hopefully the results come out well and there's nothing to concern myself with!

Work and play...

This weekend I tried to find balance between "play" and work.  I'm getting more skilled at finding this balance.  When I was fat I feel like I didn't always accomplish much even though I wasn't working.  When I think of the hours spent screwing around playing games on the computer?  I get SO MAD that I wasted time like that.

Saturday we headed to SUNY Oswego.  That's the school where I got my Master's Degree from.  However, I have actually only been on the campus 3 times - once to interview to get accepted into the program, once to take my finals, and once when renowned serial killer expert Robert Ressler came there to speak!  I had the luck of taking all of my classes at the local community college that worked out a deal to have the SUNY professors come there in the evenings to teach the Master's classes.

Anyway, I found some hiking trails near there and we headed down with the dogs for an eventful day of hiking.  I was thrilled that these ended up being my favorite types of hiking trails - dirt trails through woods with some steep climbs and also some peaceful walking on grass through meadows. 

It was a nearly perfect day.

Then today I got up to do my "long run".   The weather was AMAZING.  So I am NOT, I repeat NOT complaining!  BUT, the truth is when you have been running in temps of the high 50's and mostly cloudy?  Running in the mid 70's with humidity takes some getting used to.  It definitely was not my most graceful run, and I had to stop more times then I would like to gulp down some water.  

But I managed 14 miles and I am so happy that I was able to start June off right!  

The rest of the day brought planting and then, blissfully, Marc and I laid in the heat in our hammock and just enjoyed the gorgeous weather.

I also washed my sheets and the comforter and let the comforter dry in the wind.  I mention this only because I can't be the only one who LOVES freshly cleaned and sweet smelling sheets!  And when I lay down in those sheets tonight, I will feel good about what I did this weekend. 

I wish that I had a way to bottle feelings like this to take out during dark moments.  But for now, I'll hold onto this serenity as long as I possible can...

I hope your start to June was as good as mine was!!  Fill me in!