Yoga!

First off I am excited to report that I FINALLY saw the scale drop a pound.  After hanging out at what feels like forever at 123, I am now at 122.  3 more pounds until my goal of 119.

I did P90X Yoga for the first time since my surgery today.  I was interested to see how the removal of the excess skin would effect this exercise.  It was a bit differently then I anticipated.  Certainly most of the moves were easier.  Here I am doing the Warrior II pose.

 

Some of the twisting and stretching moves were not easier, though, because my skin is still extremely tight when I try to stretch out.

What was the MOST effected - and I was not expecting this - was my balance moves.  Apparently having the extra skin was throwing off my center of balance.  I was shocked at the difference.

This is called the Tree Pose.  I think I could stand like this for a really long time.  Previously I would fall out of the pose and have to gather the foot back up again.

 This one is called Royal Dancer.  Before the surgery, I pretty much couldn't hold this one at all.  It's still a long way away from ideal, but it's certainly better and a start!

So again, at almost 12 weeks post-op, I continue to discover new things!

Day 2 of the experiment...

Yesterday was my first day of trying to not count calories.  I was shocked at how difficult and anxiety provoking it was.  I normally log all the foods I eat into myfitnesspal.com.  I resisted entering the foods there, but did do some calculations in my head, even though I tried not to.  It didn't help that I had a whole bunch of errands to run so Marc and I ate at Panera Bread and we...OMG....split a cookie.  I know that the cookie is like 440 calories so I added 220 to my meal (which was a salad).  

Ok, so anyway, this morning I ran and then we spent 6 hours - yes, I said 6 FREAKING HOURS - staining our deck.  My back is killing me, but we are about to eat and I can confidently say that I think I will be able to just eat tonight without thinking about how many calories I am putting in my body!!  I may even live life on the wild side and eat some of the skin from the barbequed chicken Marc is putting on the grill right now.

So admit it - how many people think I'm crazy?  For those of you reading this that have never been fat, you won't get it.  My relationship with food is not normal.  But I'm trying, and I'm learning, so don't judge me too harshly!

 

Frustrated - time for an experiment.

When I was well over 250 pounds I would read posts from women who were a few pounds away from their goal on weight loss sites I was on and would get so angry reading their posts that they couldn't lose the last few pounds.  I would think - sarcastically - "Oh, POOR YOU!  You weigh 128 pounds and can't get down to 120!!"  Now this is the position I find myself in.  For the last 3 weeks at least I have been bouncing between 123 and 125.  It is so incredibly frustrating to be this close to achieving my goal weight and nothing is working to get these last few pounds off.

I posted something about this on myfitnesspal, and a friend (thanks Nicole!) suggested I listen to a podcast by Dr. Robert Maki.  The essence of what he said is that when someone has lost a lot of weight and is a normal BMI, the harder you work to take off the last few pounds, the more the body fights you on this and hangs on to the weight.  (Naughty body!)  

I then started thinking - for the last 2 years and 4 months, I have been constantly losing weight.  There has literally not been more then a 2 week stretch when I haven't lost at least some weight.  In addition to eating less to lose weight I have exercised.  With the exception of the time I was recovering from surgery - and most of those days I at least walked a couple of miles - since September of 2011 I have exercised every single day and MOST days I exercised twice for a total of 1.5-2 hours per day.  I'm not a doctor or any other type of expert, but this has to have some sort of effect on hormones and brain chemistry and other stuff, right?  

So, as of 4PM today, I started a 1 1/2 week vacation.  Starting tomorrow, I am going to try an experiment.  I'm going to try to not obsessively count calories.  I will continue to exercise, but will be maybe a little more relaxed.  I am going to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and try to just be a normal human being.  We'll see what happens at the end of this 1 1/2 weeks and what the scale says.

I am terrified that I will gain weight during this experiment, but, as they say, if nothing changes, nothing changes.  And right now, nothing is changing.  So it's time to shake it up a bit.

Wish me luck!

A great start to July!

First off, speaking of stupid questions, I went to a work-related cookout on Friday.  Since Fridays are a run day for me, it worked out well to run 5 miles and end at the cookout.  So while I was there, I was wearing all my running gear.  

These are the shoes I run in - Fila Skeltoes.  There are considered "minimalist" sneakers.

I must have been asked AT LEAST 7 times - "Do you like those?" and/or "Are those comfortable?"  What I wanted to say was "No, they are horribly uncomfortable and I hate them, that's why I run in them you effing moron."  But I was on my best behavior and didn't say that.

Anyway, I started off this month right - with my first ever double digit run!!!  I ran 10 miles in 1:28:26.  I also posted my fastest mile ever at 8:15.  I continue to be shocked at how my mile times are improving.  The first 7 miles were great, but then I started dragging.  It started to get hot and the last 3 miles have a LOT of hills, so I slowed down dramatically.   

I was low on energy but after lunch still managed to weed out 2 flower beds that I have sorely neglected this year and got a new bed mulched.  Then it was some serious hammock time.  

I've been diligently wearing my bikini, LOL, so my tummy has actually turned brown!  Vacation starts this week, and I am feeling pretty good about life in general.  It certainly feels better then the funk I was in a month ago!!

The question/comment that I HATE!

Since I started losing weight, I can't tell you how many absolutely STUPID questions and comments have been said to me and about me.  Recently - not to my face - it was commented that I am "obsessed" with exercise and losing weight and that I need an intervention.  I also had someone comment behind my back (to someone they clearly didn't know was close to me) that I am a liar, because "everyone knows" that it is IMPOSSIBLE to lose this much weight through diet and exercise and I MUST have had surgery and should just admit it.  

Most of these things don't bother me all that much.  If someone thinks I'm a liar, fine.  People who know me know the truth.  But there are 2 comments that absolutely drive me crazy.  In second place is this one:  "You must feel so much better, don't you?"  And in first place - it makes me cringe every time - is "You are a whole different person!"  I think people mean well when they say these things.

BUT I think they bother me so much because it makes an assumption that all fat people are sedentary, lazy, stupid, and completely unhealthy.  Now don't get me wrong - some fat people fit that description - as do some SKINNY people!!  But that is NOT true for many fat people.  I was active.  I was not dealing with a lot of health issues.  I walked the dogs and gardened and all kinds of things.  And guess what?  I am the SAME EFFING PERSON now that I was when I was fat.  Yes, my priorities are different and I made some hard choices and worked my ass off.  BUT it was in me all the time, or I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I know I AM healthier now.  And I have made changes.  BUT, I am me.  My intelligence, my personality - it's all the same.  I am just thinner now.  

I hope all this makes sense.  I would love to see some comments about what you guys think about this post!!  Please let me know!!

Things are different now...

I spent the last several days out of town with family.  Things are different now - being thin-ish.  I view things differently and I act different.  It was very noticeable spending time with people that I don't get to see nearly enough.  I'm more helpful.  Part of that is having more energy.  Another part is that I'm not worried that I'm constantly being judged.  I knew - KNEW - that before when I left a room people were talking about how heavy I was to one another.  It is a terrible feeling when you walk into a room and conversation stops and you know exactly what was being said.  This weekend was totally different.  I didn't have to worry about that.

I was more sociable with strangers.  Once again, that fear was gone that people would be judging me.  I went over and played volleyball with one of my cousins right next to where my other cousin was playing a frisbee game with a bunch of her teenage friends.  I wouldn't have done that before - to create in my head what the teenagers were thinking/saying about the fat girl playing volleyball - no freaking way!

That's not to say that the weekend was a complete success.  I still have difficulty moderating my food intake.  Even eating things that are good for me, I ate WAY too much.  And I am paying the price in spades today!  Severe acid indigestion and diarrhea.  Good times.  What I did realize is that because I so rarely allow myself ANY off plan eating, that when I do give myself permission, I go crazy.  It's like I have to cram a few months worth of treats into one or two days.  Not cool.  As I move closer to maintenance I'm going to have to learn to give myself treats once and a while so that I don't feel so deprived and feel like I have to stuff myself.

Ah well, as they say in AA it's an AFGO - Another Fucking Growth Opportunity. 

I am 100% back on plan today.  The scale is showing a HUGE gain, but most of that is from water retention.  It'll be later this week before I know the complete damage and continue to try to lose. 

Finally, congrats to my cousin Hayley for graduating high school!! 

This IS reality, right?

Haven't posted in a couple days.  Been working hard weeding the vegetable garden -  it is TERRIBLE this year for some reason!  I also ran my longest run ever on Sunday - 9 miles.  I was pretty excited!

So I was talking about this with Marc the other day and I don't know how to explain this without sounding crazy!  I guess part of this is just making the adjustment.  I've been through tremendous changes in the past 2 years and I've said before that my mind hasn't caught up to all these changes yet.

I realized on Sunday that I haven't accepted that the new me really IS the new ME!  It is as if I've been given a chance to experience someone else's life and it can suddenly be taken away.  Like when I put on a bikini - it's like it's not really how I really look, rather it's like it's my head temporarily on someone else's body.  Every time - and I mean EVERY TIME - I take a shower, I go to lift up the fat/skin on my stomach to wash under it.  Then I notice it's not there.  It's weird.

Today while running, I ran past some guys who were working on the underground lines in the City.  Every freaking one of them stopped working and just watched me run by.  It took me a minute to realize that they were probably checking me out - not making fun of me. 

And then there's the comments about me being tiny.  I don't really know how to respond to this.  Some people who knew me at my heaviest have been making that comment for months now - when I was a lot smaller then I used to be, but not "tiny" by any stretch of the imagination.  Now, I think that it is true - I am a small boned person and now the flesh matches the bones - so how the heck do I respond?

Anyway, the last few pounds that I want to lose are hanging on for dear life.  I really would like to shed them and begin practicing maintenance before fall hits when I want to start The New Rules of Weight Lifting for Women.