Painful history and now…

On this day in history the world changed forever.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  Today we woke up to a changed personal world.  Compared to the devastation of that horrible day in 2001, what we are going through is minor, but it is no less real to us.

Yesterday, we had a 10K race.  When we got up, Chakotay went outside to do his business.  He ate the peanut butter covered treats with the pills hidden in them, and drank water.  As we were leaving he laid down by my computer.

Which is where we found him when we got back from the race.  in the exact position we left him.  Based on this we think he went quickly and painlessly.  There was no sign that he was in distress and based on the way he acted, we don't even think Archer knew his brother was gone.  That is such a blessing.    

But… I wasn't there for him.  I don't know how I will ever forgive myself for that.  He was alone, and the thought of that – and a million other things I could have done differently that morning – breaks my heart. 

We buried him in the backyard, where other pets we've loved and lost lie.  I said goodbye to him with Archer who appeared very confused and even frightened.

The first thing Archer did this morning when he woke up was search for him.  I can't believe how empty the house feels.  And I know Archer feels it as well.

Today, we planted a painted willow shrub in his memory.

We also made a mold of his footprint before we said our final goodbyes.

I am okay as long as I keep doing something.  I’m quite sure the house is cleaner than it’s been in years tonight.

But tomorrow I return to work and have to get used to a new normal. 

I had fooled myself into believing I was prepared for this.

What a fool I was…