The Twilight Zone…

This is NOT how I wanted to be spending my weekend.

The last part of last week, I really felt that I was starting to get my mojo back.  I was exercising faithfully and my eating was actually mostly in check.  I kind of felt some hope that I maybe I could do this.

I woke up Saturday with a plan – after weeks of being in drought conditions we we going to get rain.  So I was going to run on the treadmill and then clean the house some.

That’s what I get for having a plan.

We got up yesterday and Chakotay was limping horribly.  I looked down and his right front leg was HUGELY swollen and he couldn’t put hardly any weight on it.  I called the vet’s office who wanted him brought right in.

A quick exam pretty much ruled out a traumatic injury.  The vet told us that this was likely the lymphoma and it was not a good sign.  Just in case there was an infection – even though we saw no sign of a bite or cut, she prescribed a broad spectrum anti-biotic.  But she gently told us that we are nearing the end.

We got him home and tried to make him comfortable.  But with the clouds moving out, it became blisteringly hot outside and not much better inside.

And what did I do?  Nothing.  I felt paralyzed.  I literally couldn’t make myself do anything but sit.  And sit.  Oh yeah – and eat. 

So I wasted the entire day doing nothing except worrying, feeling sick, crying and trying to distract myself by multiple trips to the kitchen – HATING myself  but unable to do anything about it.

Chakotay seemed to get progressively worse.  By night, his leg was actually grotesquely swollen and HOT.  We had to lift him up to get him outside where he was able to limp around to pee.  We laid him in front of the fan and retired to our bedroom to watch some tv.

I checked on him after the show ended at about 11:30PM and he would  barely lift his head to see me.  I went back to bed and cried – I knew that we would, in all likelihood – have to take him in this morning for his final journey.

I hardly slept at all – tossing and turning.  I dozed off and at 4AM I heard some noises outside the bedroom.  Chakotay was at his dishes drinking water.

I got up and he actually wagged his nub seeing me.  I let him outside and noticed that while his leg was still very swollen, it had gone down some and he was able to walk better.

Relieved, I went back to bed and was able to fall asleep.

We got up just an hour ago and he is okay.  My boy is, most definitely, a fighter.  I gave him his pills – with some peanut butter to wash them down and he scarfed them up.

Chakotay is like his mommy apparently – we can and do eat through pretty much anything.

So today, I have to not sit around like some pathetic cow – you know – I have to be someone other than ME.