Fooled ya!

Last week was an incredibly chaotic week at work.  If you aren't in the field that I work in, maybe you aren't aware.  But heroin use in this country, especially in the northeast right now, has just exploded.  And it's more deadly than it has ever been.  People are dying by the DOZENS.  It so scary and discouraging.  What we're seeing, which is unexpected for a lot of people, is kids from very good families, typically upper-middle class, getting into this drug and before you know it they are addicted, arrested, or dead.  

At any rate, this has led, not surprisingly, to my workload.

Wednesday was just nuts and a guy that I started working with recently dragged himself into my office and said that he desperately needed his lunch break.  He mentioned that he was heading over to the Farmer's Market which they hold locally on Wednesdays.  Another co-worker said "Oh yeah!  I forgot that was today!  I'm heading over too!'

They both looked and me and I said "Hell NO!  I don't go anywhere near the Farmer's Market." 

The guy looked at me quizzically and said "What?  Why not?  There's all kinds of fresh veggies and stuff like that - I thought that you would be on that!'

To which I said "Yes, and there's also fried dough and Whoopie pies and tons of other things that I can't eat.  The smell itself is like a torture chamber for me!!"

The guy just stared at me for a minute and said "Huh.  You know, you have such a strong personality I sometimes forget that you have you own demons you face."

It's funny how other people perceive me.  I think that I walk around and pretty much have a lighted sign on me saying "THIS CHICK IS TOTALLY FUCKED IN THE HEAD!"  Seriously, I think that everyone can clearly see how screwed up I am.  And yet, here is this guy saying that he forgets that I have any "demons".  This happened to be just 2 days after someone else said to me something about how it's like "nothing" for me to get out and run 5 miles.  I suppose I should be flattered that people think that it is a cakewalk for me.  But sometimes I hate that people don't notice my struggle.  Maybe what I should wish for is to somehow find the strength that people believe I have!

In other news, Chakotay has been on Prednisone now for a couple of weeks.  This drug is usually helpful - on a temporary basis - for Lymphoma.  But it doesn't always work, and with T-cell Lymphoma which he has, the chances of it NOT working are even higher.  But happily the lymph nodes have shrunk remarkably and he is still eating well and appears to feel pretty good.

A not uncommon side effect of Prednisone - as most of you probably know - is behavioral changes, including aggression.  We have not seen even a bit of this.  However, yesterday we had the party at our house to celebrate Marc's father's b-day and just have a summer get together with his family.  I have to admit, I was nervous how Chakotay would be with all the commotion - and was really worried about how he might act around our young nephews and the German Shepherd that I expected to come.

Fortunately, he acted pretty much his normal, laid-back mellow self.  He was great around the boys, the other people, and the dog.  He got a lot of extra loving from Marc's family - who are all animal lovers - who knew that might be the last time they see him.  He also got to eat a hotdog.  We rarely give our dogs "people food" but he's going to get many previously off-limits food choices he wants.

And you guys know what I'm going to say.  I was a complete disaster yesterday food wise.  I have fallen so far I feel like I have dug a hole for myself that I can never ever get out of.  I know that it is never too far or too late, but nothing - NOTHING - no strategy that I have employed has even had the remotest effect.    It's a constant 1 step forward, two steps back process.  

So apparently I have at least some other people fooled, that this is easy.  Now I just have to fool myself!!