New month, same me…

Today is August 1^st. We are now way past halfway into 2016. Needless to say that this is not the year that I wanted to have so far.

When 2015 came to a close, I was bound and determined to get my shit together for the new year. I was so sure that I had it in me to get back on track. But it hasn’t happened. I cannot find the inner strength or will or whatever to focus long enough to make any progress.

I am trying so hard to stay in the here and now and live each day gratefully, but that is just not in my nature. Fortunately, at least so far, neither is giving up.

Speaking of bright spots, Marc’s father’s birthday was Saturday - he turned 98. 98 years old!! Because we were in the bike race we didn’t do much for or with him, but we are hosting the annual family get together next weekend and will celebrate with him and the rest of the fam dam then.

We did make some time to go visit him. Recently he has been somewhat focused on getting his house cleaned up so that the family won’t have a lot to do when he is gone. I don’t know why he is suddenly focused on this, but I guess when you’re that age you worry about things like that a lot.

Anyway, as we were talking he asked me to wait and he made his way over to a bookcase in the living room, got down on his hands and knees and started rummaging around. He pulled out this large hardcover book.

He held it out towards me and asked if I remembered it. I stared at it - it was one of those books in the Time-Life series and it was “Pictures of the Century” or something like that. It had each decade and lots of pictures of what was going on then in pop culture and the world in general.

I then remember that one of the first years that Marc and I were dating I had bought that for him for Xmas, because he LOVES reminiscing and seeing pictures of things from the past.

He told me that he wanted me to have it “when the time comes” and asked if I “could possibly make room for it” in my house because he thought it should be returned to me. According to him, he had been very worried about this and by me agreeing to take it, it set his mind at ease.

Now setting aside that he was worried about who would get this book after he is gone - he is 98 years old. Marc and I started dating in 1989. So I probably bought it for him in 1990 or 1991. And he remembers me buying that for him all that time ago!

I typically can’t remember what I did 2 DAYS ago, let alone what someone bought me for Xmas years and years ago!! It’s pretty amazing, right?

Marc - and I - are pretty lucky to still have him in our lives.

So each day I am trying to be grateful for things like that. That Chakotay is still here. That I can ride 50 miles in a bike race and wake up the next day and do 25 as a “recovery ride”. That each day I come to a job that is incredibly challenging and so heartbreaking and frustrating at times, but that maybe, just maybe, I help make someone’s life better.

And would things in my life be remarkably better if I could just find the strength to lose 40 pounds? Well, that is the battle that rages in my head.

The rest of 2016 will hold some challenges for me. I can’t say right now how well I’ll handle them.